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Rough time of year

Ok, so I'm in a pretty similar head space soooooo grain o salt and all that.

Ya, so I've been with my t for almost 8 years and happened to mention last week how suicidal I was when we first met, and in some of the following januarys. She asked why I didn't tell her. Honestly I didn't think about it. Guess it's that fear of support thing I seem to have going on.

She asked if I would tell her now. I honestly don't know. I think I fall under the "spontaneous suicide" realm. That's those people who do it and everyone around them is shocked because they didn't see it coming. It just -- happens. So she has asked me to try to be aware that I'm going down that rabbit hole and at least ask her if she has any ideas on how to distract me. Not the "holycrapsuicidalperson!!!!!" thing. Just a "so, lets keep you busy till it passes" thing

A big part of why I don’t want to tell her is that I don’t want to recreate the pattern of my mother who constantly threatened suicide and in the end honestly did it as a big f*ck you to me.

No one has the right to do that to their kid - no matter how old the kid is. If you want to kill yourself fine. But don't try to ruin someone else's life along the way. (sorry - 911 flashback because you never forget those calls 🥺 )

With that being said - unless you pulled the trigger you are NOT responsible for her death. It was her choice, based in her values system, and no one else's. You can't "make" someone kill themselves. They will either do it or not. It's up to them.

We had to teach our trainees that - if someone says they are suicidal what happens next is on that person, not the call taker. You can't say the wrong thing to make them pull the trigger. That is their response to what they hear and think, which may not even be what you said.

I don't think you are like your mom at all. There is a huge difference between drama queens and people who simply need help to survive a crisis

The other part is that it gives up some of my power. It’s like the final thing to tell her that admits I can’t do this on my own. It also takes away my emergency way out.
It took me a long time to learn that asking for help is a power move, not a weakness one.
Yep - let that sink in for minute.
Suicide is easy
Living is not.

Asking someone else to help you stay alive? Means you see the path you want to be on and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to get there, even if it means admitting that you are "weak".

You aren't giving up your power.
You are harnessing your resources to make you stronger.
I was able to talk a bit more directly about how I’ve been feeling. I also asked for extra sessions for the next few weeks. That was really really hard. It took a long time before I would take an extra session when offered. Now three years in I asked for it. I feel icky about it but we spent some time talking about why it feels so awful to ask for help aloud.

Living really is harder. Recently someone was professing to advocate for people with mental illness and said that suicide is hard and not the easy way out. I supposed none of it is easy but it’s sure easier than waking up and facing all this crap. I’ll keep doing it for now though. Having a purring kitty on my lap makes me willing to put up with a lot. And my sweet wife’s smile when she sees me at the end of the day. Right now I’ll hang on to those things.