Rough Time.

[HoosierGal]

I've been having a rough couple of days. The worst I've had since August - which is when I had a major breakdown. I don't think it will get to that point this time. But its a low. I had a history conference to speak at this weekend. Something I was looking forward to, because I enjoy public speaking and enjoy history. Unfortunately, the Thursday before that weekend I had a terrible therapy session. I felt very misunderstood by my therapist - maybe others can relate. I left feeling very raw, upset. I didn't sleep much that night, not at all really. The next day I knew I had to pull myself together to get ready for the conference, but I also knew that I'd be completely nonfunctional at work. I called in at the last minute, using the excuse of conference prep. as why I couldn't come. My boss didn't like this, understandably. She sent me a stern email which left me bawling. I hate disappointing her, because she's been so understanding and supportive. I wished I'd told her the real reason I'd missed work - but sometimes its easier to think of a lame excuse than to give a real, painful reason. That sort of left a dark cloud over me. I did go to the conference, I did present my speech and research, I did do very well - no nerves, no mistakes, very engaged, interested audience. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy my own success and, as soon as my panel was over, cried in the bathroom for the 10 minutes between me and the next speaker. I felt very alone as other congratulated me, and as I congratulated others.

I came back to work today and apologized to my boss, and tried to explain to her why I missed. She seemed understanding, but I'm still crying now. I hate it when PTSD robs me of things - naturally I'm a very intelligent, talented, dependable person but PTSD occasionally makes me come off as slow and unreliable. And I hate this. I almost punched a hole in the bathroom wall thinking of it, but was able to stop myself because I didn't want to cause a scene or trouble.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks to whoever read this and listens :)

 

[Bloomy]

I completely understand I think. I also consider myself as intelligent and talented with resources. In my case PTSD and being mobbed at work has thrown me out of work. Having all this resources and seing it myself, but suffer from PTSD and not being able to get work again makes me.....out of my mind sometimes. Im glad you could control yourself and I know it must have been hard. Hang in there :)

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I hate it when PTSD robs me of things

Hold on to that you did VERY WELL in your presentation. The core of you is there, and always will be.

 

[City Slicker]

Hold on to that you did VERY WELL in your presentation. The core of you is there, and always will be.

Agree totally. Also, this is the time to be very gentle with yourself. When you hit 'black ice' it isn't the time to slam on the brakes.

I know many of us hit those spots, the thing to remember is how well you guided yourself through - you let yourself cry, you did what you needed to do to stay safe and you spoke with your boss.

PTSD is not only a thief but it is a liar too. Don't believe the lies it tells you about your worth.
This is the time to tell yourself how well you did.

 

[Born to Run]

So much understanding for this, and good for you, you still proceeded with the talk. f*cking ptsd has robbed me from everything at the moment and all I can do, is accept, have patience, keep doing the work, and then I will rise again :happy:

 

[HoosierGal]

Thanks guys. Feeling joy after an accomplishment: something others take for granted.

 

[ladee]

Fantastic @HoosierGal, The only thing holding us back sometimes, is us. Congratulations on your successful presentation !!!! :hug:'s if you accept them.