Rough Time

[Raven]

Things have been unraveling for a while. I have no job now and I'm spending money like it's going out of style. My husband is in the process of moving out but he's still living in the house. He keeps finding reasons to delay the move but it should be sometime in the next few days.

I'm half-assedly trying to save it, and then turning around telling New Guy that I have no feelings left whatsoever for my husband. I'm already starting it off with a lie. Great. If I knew some magic word that would save my marriage, I would say it. I want to forgive. I want to know how to forgive. I don't owe New Guy anything yet. He's very annoyed with me and rightly so. I'm dicking him around and he senses it. But no. There's no commitment.

I want him to say the things the things my husband used to say to me. I'll believe it. I'll fall in love. I'll try not to f*ck it up this time. I'll try to keep my craziness under control this time. I'll try not to be controlling.

No, he just stands in his yard watching me pull out of his driveway and I think we make indirect eye contact through my rear view mirror. Then he blows up my phone the next day, freaking that I'm taking a while to respond. Knowing that my husband is still in my house. He says it's really annoying. If he's smart, he'll bail real soon.

The beast has me in its jaws and I don't know how to get out. I want to just let it chew me up and eat me. I have a recurring dream in which there's this two mile wide tornado and I'm driving towards it, into the storm, into the wild beast, faster and faster. I wake up when the car starts to lift off the ground. It's disappointing. I'd want to wake up when I'm at the top, looking down on the world before I die. If I just cut my wrists open then I won't have to wait for the tornado to happen. I don't see the way through.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Raven,

Haven't talked in a long time. I see things aren't going so well with you and your husband and that that may not be able to be fixed.

I'd say this; what do you want in your life? It's a good question and sometimes even the converse, what don't I want in my life, is just as good. I think you need to decide what you want regardless of another person. Marriage shouldn't be constant fighting and drama, I think most would agree with that. If you're seeking something from a relationship you have to know what it is, which I already think you know, and seek that by giving it sometime. I wouldn't advise going from one to another in the hope that the new one might be what you want. Perhaps some time alone to regroup and feel better for you might be in order.

I know you as a smart, funny and talented person who has much to offer and should have some great opportunities a head as well. Listen, we all know the 'beast' conspires to make us miserable and do things that are not good for us. You may not see a way through it all right now but give it some time so you can collect your thoughts.

You deserve to be happy and have a good life. Let me know if I can help. Still a good listener.

Jeff

 

[dutchiedelta]

Hiya Raven, not sure i I can offer any valuable advice here.
How about letting you know you are heard? That some things are recognisable?
That you have my sympathy as well.

 

[vikingr24]

Jarhed is right. I don't have the longer experience of knowing you but what I have seen is a very creative, dynamic person who deserves better. I think we all have the emotional scars of a divorce (and long relationships as I have many times) but they are always unique and hurtful. Having PTSD just adds a monkey to your back and interferes at times you are unaware of it happening. And by the time you do, the damage is done. And forgiveness without atonement is nothing. My ex asked me to forgive her but I am sure my list of sins she did and her list of sins she did, are different.

Waiting is not a thing someone with PTSD can do very well, but often it's what is necessary. I hate the cliche but time does help healing. I sense you are divided about letting the husband go and that's kinda "normal" unless some feelings really got stomped on. Most of the time we let go, get the divorce, and let our real feelings catch up later. But it is a mourning period and there are always questions we can't answer. I believe in subliminal thought. He may be hesitating to leave because he is just as conflicted as you and it is not in the forefront of his thoughts. If New Guy can't understand your feelings now what will he be like if you marry him? I should ask, who is controlling whom? Boils down to, is New Guy worth the wait? If you feel you are giving up a worn out Cadillac that rides well and is paid for, that new car better be a Ferrari. (Well, you know what I mean.)

Just know that the best thing is to follow your heart and conscience. You will recognize those feelings as those that hurt when everything else feels great. Also know you've got some good friends here. Be happy.

 

[Raven]

I'm not leaving my husband for New Guy. My hysband is throwing in the towel, and New Guy happens to be there and he is a source of intimacy. A port in the storm. He doesn't know the whole story.

Husband and I got drunk last night. It turned into such a shit show. We were just saying things to hurt each other. We're doing things just to fill the void and/or get back at each other.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of hurting. I've been going to war against him for the last three years and I'm tired of it.

His entire purpose is now devoted to being angry at me and trying to make me miserable. Mission successful. He f*cking won.

Now I just have to figure out how to lose with some modicum of dignity while he gloats.

 

[Friday]

New guy is dating a chick who doesn't even have ink on divorce papers, yet. If he's got 2 brain cells to rub together & get a spark, then he should know its 50/50'on whether or not you'll even get divorced, and if you do? You're gonna be a hot mess for awhile, and your STBXH is going to be very much in & out of your life over the next 6-12mo unless one of you does a runner. That's just sense.

Get your Bitch, on Raven.

Worrying about NewGuy, worrying about your STBXH, worrying about the animals... been seeing you worrying about absolutely everyone else but you since your STBXH drew on you & discharged his weapon next to your f*cking head.

No shit the beast has come out to play. What your husband did is enough to cause PTSD, and it's been pure stress ever since. Sex, drinking, fighting... Holding your shit together... Sex drinking fighting... Holding your shit together. When you get to the level of stress where those are the only things that even make a dent in the stress levels? Chica.

Let me introduce you to my little friends : Self. Care.

 

[vikingr24]

Glad I asked. Than ks for the catch up, Friday. I say what Friday said. And do it yesterday.