Teasel
VIP Member
Recently I have had to see how really in my life and family I just don't seem to be important to anyone. For the last couple years, I have been unable to shake the feeling that I just don't matter to anyone. It hurts like hell, piercing crippling pain!
I'm thinking that I need to learn me some new skills, to learn how to lbe there for myself. To decide that I matter no matter what anyone else does or doesn't seem to think. To give up wanting so very badly to be accepted?
I still am feeling some shame even now though, thinking I oughta have more spirit or something. I'd like to be more confident so much. Shame and humiliation can do one!
Feels so sad to realise actually the Dad I loved so much really isn't the great Dad I thought he was, he was so neglectful, violent, innapropriate, did not protect me, repeatedly hurt me through a plain lack of love. He was a terrible husband to my Mum and taught me to choose equally abusive men for myself.
I tried so hard to please him all the time, and he was awful to me, no love or care or attention, barely noticed for years except to rage at.
Where Mum was so depressed I can remember he would buy Christmas presents, some years he got us such great presents, and I can temper sometimes he would play briefly with us, all excitement before he tired...
In our family he was supremely confident in his goodness, rightness, we all knew Dad was the good one and that Mum and I were shameful disdppintnents to him.
A coward with anyone else in the world tho!
My partner us like him too :(
I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be there for myself enough to repair any of this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling so worthless and pitiful, feel so humiliated so often having flashbacks and just getting it wrong, embarrassing myself.
Been in a horrible relationship for years, it's been truly miserable, felt like the walking dead.
Have reached out for help with a DV helpline, scared but hopeful to get help to leave.
I don't really have supportI've friends - have isolated, also Ibeen too skilled at making friebds with people who aren't sht about getting what they want. And I've been terrifief of showing need's much.
It's changing though I think. Standing up for myself a bit more,,need to do that s0 much more, have been so paralysed by the abuse, unable tO trust my own perceptions - and his frightening unpredictable cruelty n gaslighting has made me so low and humiliated.
I want to get back some self respect :(
I'm thinking that I need to learn me some new skills, to learn how to lbe there for myself. To decide that I matter no matter what anyone else does or doesn't seem to think. To give up wanting so very badly to be accepted?
I still am feeling some shame even now though, thinking I oughta have more spirit or something. I'd like to be more confident so much. Shame and humiliation can do one!
Feels so sad to realise actually the Dad I loved so much really isn't the great Dad I thought he was, he was so neglectful, violent, innapropriate, did not protect me, repeatedly hurt me through a plain lack of love. He was a terrible husband to my Mum and taught me to choose equally abusive men for myself.
I tried so hard to please him all the time, and he was awful to me, no love or care or attention, barely noticed for years except to rage at.
Where Mum was so depressed I can remember he would buy Christmas presents, some years he got us such great presents, and I can temper sometimes he would play briefly with us, all excitement before he tired...
In our family he was supremely confident in his goodness, rightness, we all knew Dad was the good one and that Mum and I were shameful disdppintnents to him.
A coward with anyone else in the world tho!
My partner us like him too :(
I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be there for myself enough to repair any of this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling so worthless and pitiful, feel so humiliated so often having flashbacks and just getting it wrong, embarrassing myself.
Been in a horrible relationship for years, it's been truly miserable, felt like the walking dead.
Have reached out for help with a DV helpline, scared but hopeful to get help to leave.
I don't really have supportI've friends - have isolated, also Ibeen too skilled at making friebds with people who aren't sht about getting what they want. And I've been terrifief of showing need's much.
It's changing though I think. Standing up for myself a bit more,,need to do that s0 much more, have been so paralysed by the abuse, unable tO trust my own perceptions - and his frightening unpredictable cruelty n gaslighting has made me so low and humiliated.
I want to get back some self respect :(
