Same Story You've Heard Before! Spouse of Tonka Tuff Soldier

[ryair]

Hi everyone!
If life didnt have its drama's, how boring would it be????
I have the same story as most couples here have. My man joined the military straight out of school and was moulded into the 'perfect' soldier. He is unbelieveably Tonka tuff!!! Unfortunately, the military isnt so hot when it comes to releasing them back into civillian life, is it now?!!
I adore him. I look at the ptsd as just another battle. I consider myself extreamly lucky that he is not violent or verbally abusive with myself or my kids. The same cannot be said for civvies!! It doesnt take much for him to snap.
We have done the breakup 'dance' for a while now. He gets scared. 'Why should you be living with such a monster?' he asks? And yes, his nightmares are a sight to behold. one of his biggest fears was that he would kill me, thinking I was the 'enemy'. I was never sure if I would be able to talk him around.
When my big tuff man finally broke, It probably saved his life. I agreed to leave if he took the help that was being offered. I am never gone for long. Since then we have learnt soooo much. I am his soft place to fall, he will always be my big tuff man. We have a 'weird' connection. It cant be love, cause he doesnt believe in that!! Hahaha!! But he says he will still be chasing me when we are in our nursing home, and we both know as bad as it sometimes gets, we will always be there for each other. Comfort in the dark.
Thank God for all the information available, and the psych's the military have kindly provided. And thank god we both walked the dark road before we met, or we may never have noticed the good that lives in us both. Every day, we try to be kind to each other, even if it's a crappy day. PTSD is NOT my man, but it affects his life.
And we battle on!
xxxxx

 

[Deleted member 93]

Welcome to the forum, your attitude about PTSD with your spouse is very refreshing! Good going keeping up the hard work.

 

[cookie]

ohh, i loved reading your post. welcome to the forum.
cathy

 

[wildcritter44]

:hello: hi Ryair,

Welcome -- enjoy the forum. Thank your "tuff guy" for the service to his country, as w/o these guys we would be in trouble.

I'm spouse of Army airborne ranger (ranger).

D (wildcritter)

 

[anthony]

Hi Ryair, welcome to the forum. I must say, your post captivated me actually, well written, well described, too the point of your emotional overall relationship. Nice...

 

[Lee]

Hi,
Sorry to hear of the 'hell' you are going through, but I can see why you stick by your man. It must be really scary with the nightmares and things and the anger. Because my man directs all his anger at me and the kids and has no nightmares I think I must be the worst off, but you must also live in fear. What an awful, horrid, insidious thing this is, with so many twists and complications. Even through W is horrid a lot of the time, I still love him when he is 'himself' and comes out of his shell. The sure keep you on a roller-coaster.
XX

 

[ryair]

Thankyou everyone!
I think alot of the time we spend so much energy REACTING to ptsd behaviour, instead of seeing it for what it really is, fear, anxiety, and the physical response,to list them basically. Being able to take a step to the side with our thinking, and not looking at ptsd as something that is being done to personally hurt the partner, allows a more gentle response.
We all know ptsd is not the person, but something we have to live with all the same. So much positive self esteem is lost by the sufferer, and I feel so much of that is because society and loved one's take personal affront to the painful behaviour. How many times are the sufferers confused because of our responses to them?
My partner is only just becoming aware of how others portray his body language. Very much to his credit, he has been adjusting it in stressfull situations. Because of the marked response, he has realised just how threatening and angry he unconsiously seems to be.By adjusting his body language it changes perception. If people around him treat him 'normally' he feels so much more relaxed. In turn, he is also more aware of others body language. If you can read a situation in advance, and not take a personal affront, it is easier to ask the all important question... "WHY????"
Why are they acting that way? What are they feeling? What do they need?
This is just a small part of how Tonka and I have been living. And the difference it has made has been amazing.
Thankyou for welcoming me to your community!!!
xxxxx

 

[anthony]

Ryair, some very good advice for others to take and apply to their relationships, as you have both done. Its great that you both can put in such a great effort, I wish it where the same all round, but congratulations on such good work... to you both that is. You could certainly help many here with your experience, I have no doubt, myself included.

 

[Nam]

Battle ON! That's awesome. Welcome aboard. :hello:

 

[jods]

Hi Ryair,

Welcome aboard!

I like the way you think! Love that you call your hubby Tonka!
Look forward to chatting to you in the spouse section.

 

[Terry]

Welcome Ryair, I see my wife Tig in your post. I too know how it feels to be afraid of physicaly hurting my loved one's. Makes you want to find a cave. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a big hug for the caring, compassionate person you are.

 

[vcc123]

Hi Ryair.. welcome.. you sound like a great source of comfort and support for your Tonka.. He's lucky. Look forward to hearing more from you. :redface: