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Relationship Scared and lost

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I’ve never posted here but I’m reaching out as I have no one else to talk to about this and I need to share I some way.

My husband suffers with PTSD and lately is becoming more and more angry and volatile. He has now started to direct this towards me ,I think as an outlet. He becomes very nasty and angry, but is always sorry and remorseful afterwards. He says he doesn’t mean the things he is saying. But it is crushing and it’s really affecting me. I don’t know if he is actually just not wanting to be together anymore but doesn’t want to admit it. We have been together over 8 years and have had many episodes and tough times but never anything like this.

He is a beautiful and compassionate man but this side to him is something which I don’t know how to handle.

He is pushing me away and I keep telling myself that it’s not what he actually wants or feels, that it is a result of his illness. But the doubt is always there.

I love him and have always done everything I possibly can to support him but I’m lost at what I else I can do and I can’t go on like this.

Has any other supporters been through similar periods? Does it get better or can you share advice?
 
Sure... unfortunately lashing out is a stress reaction a lot of supporters know all too well.

The easy thing to say is “don’t take it personally.” It’s only human nature to feel hurt when somebody is being horrible to you. Eventually you do start to recognize it for what it is though... a stress reaction. It makes it easier to let it roll off.

Sounds pretty sick and dysfunctional, right? It can be. The difference is when your partner knows what they’re doing and chooses to actively work on NOT doing that. They don’t get a license to be an asshole all they want whenever they want because they have PTSD.
 
Is your husband currently in therapy/getting help with managing his symptoms?

Yes, he has been in therapy for a number of years. I’m hoping that this anger and outbursts are as a result of him reconnecting with his emotions and I just hope we can find a way to manage them.

Maybe walk away when he does that? If you don't engage with him when he is like that, it may help and certiantly would be better for you emotionally!

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! It's very hard!

Thank you for your kind words. If I walk away, even when he demands I do, I’m accused of abandoning him which leads to more issues.
 
If I walk away, even when he demands I do, I’m accused of abandoning him which leads to more issues.

He also doesn’t get to dictate that you stand there and take piles of abuse. You walking away is you setting a boundary. I will not be yelled at/name-called/ spoken to like that. I will leave, and I will do it every time. We can talk when you can speak to me like an adult.

You have to set that boundary, or nothing will change.
 
He also doesn’t get to dictate that you stand there and take piles of abuse. You walking away is you setting a boundary. I will not be yelled at/name-called/ spoken to like that. I will leave, and I will do it every time. We can talk when you can speak to me like an adult.

You have to set that boundary, or nothing will change.

I know and this is the thing I need to work on without having the inevitable guilt.
 
Have you spoken to him about this cycle of lashing out and then remorse? I mean when he is calm and in control?

If this isn't a normal characteristic of your husband and your relationship it might be time to ask him to get some more help. He may need some kind of medication or an adjustment to medication if he is already taking it. Or extra sessions with his therapist to get that support while he processes what is going on.

Do you have support in your real life? Someone you can speak to that will keep what you say confidential? Doctor, social worker, therapist? Look after yourself and please don't tolerate abusive behaviour - for any reason.
 
He also doesn’t get to dictate that you stand there and take piles of abuse. You walking away is you setting a boundary. I will not be yelled at/name-called/ spoken to like that. I will leave, and I will do it every time. We can talk when you can speak to me like an adult.

You have to set that boundary, or nothing will change.

This right here! @RoseByAnyOtherName, Your boundry is for you. You won't take verbal abuse so when he yells you are walking away and will not engage with him until he can have a calm civil discussion. You have zero control over how he reacts to say boundry. The boundry is for you, not him. It is not telling him he can't yell at you. It is simply advising what you'll do if he does. If he thinks that's abandoning him then he does but he doesn't get to guilt you about that.

That does bring up some questions for me.

If I walk away, even when he demands I do, I’m accused of abandoning him which leads to more issues

How does that play out and what other issues does it bring up? Does he blame you for this at the time you walk away or later?
 
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