N
nanalma
I have been thinking about writing this post for several days and thought that my confusion would lessen with time, but, err, no. :(
I am a little in love. And have been fighting the emotions that have come up. It's positive emotions, mostly. Some abandonment stuff, too. Some anger that comes from not being in control of how things will go. A feeling of helplessness for being in control only for me.
Wonder what's been hardest to feel, the positive emotions or the negative ones. The positive emotions have given me hope in a happy end. I am not talking about a happy ever after relationship; I do not expect that anymore and have tried and been successful living in the now. What I mean by happy end is finding my way into this relationship and finding a balance. A balance of closeness and distance, of time together and time alone, ... and of corresponding balanced emotions.
Sometimes I find myself hoping that he will not contact me again. Simply to avoid the relationship ending some time later. Sort of as if not living a relationship could spare you the pain of it failing. I do see though that it might not even fail. :confused:
I am scared. I am so, so scared! I am scared of letting go and enjoying him and the relationship. Of losing sight of red flags once they appear. Of drifting of into fairytale-relationship-land and not hearing the alarms go off! Of getting into another abusive relationship and wanting to believe. Of finding out later that all I was was someone available and not wanted in the relationship for me, who I am as a person. :(
So far, it's been a nice time. More of it is planned. Planned as in "all set". I think he'd be very hurt if I called it off. I would be too. But I'm scared, too. :confused:
Sooner or later I'll have to give it a try. At the end of the day you'll only know once you've tried. Blahhhhh.
Don't know what to do. :cry:
I'm the one with the PTSD. He's got two disorders himself. We both know and have been talking about it all.
I am a little in love. And have been fighting the emotions that have come up. It's positive emotions, mostly. Some abandonment stuff, too. Some anger that comes from not being in control of how things will go. A feeling of helplessness for being in control only for me.
Wonder what's been hardest to feel, the positive emotions or the negative ones. The positive emotions have given me hope in a happy end. I am not talking about a happy ever after relationship; I do not expect that anymore and have tried and been successful living in the now. What I mean by happy end is finding my way into this relationship and finding a balance. A balance of closeness and distance, of time together and time alone, ... and of corresponding balanced emotions.
Sometimes I find myself hoping that he will not contact me again. Simply to avoid the relationship ending some time later. Sort of as if not living a relationship could spare you the pain of it failing. I do see though that it might not even fail. :confused:
I am scared. I am so, so scared! I am scared of letting go and enjoying him and the relationship. Of losing sight of red flags once they appear. Of drifting of into fairytale-relationship-land and not hearing the alarms go off! Of getting into another abusive relationship and wanting to believe. Of finding out later that all I was was someone available and not wanted in the relationship for me, who I am as a person. :(
So far, it's been a nice time. More of it is planned. Planned as in "all set". I think he'd be very hurt if I called it off. I would be too. But I'm scared, too. :confused:
Sooner or later I'll have to give it a try. At the end of the day you'll only know once you've tried. Blahhhhh.
Don't know what to do. :cry:
I'm the one with the PTSD. He's got two disorders himself. We both know and have been talking about it all.
