Relationship Have i messed up? or am i taking positive steps?!

[Justmehere]

I don’t think I’m going to be able to convey this now to anyone tho.

@ByrnesT - I have not meant to imply your motives as being "borderline abusive" or "arrogant" or "bit of an egomaniac" at all. Those are all your words. Not mine.

I do believe your motive has been to help her. Most co-dependent actions are done with a motive to be helpful and compassionate and supportive. I believe you do have a huge heart and desire to help, and that you care for her very deeply.

In fact, it is because I believe you have a desire to help, I have focused on how your actions and choices are actually not helpful to her. (Please re-read this again, carefully, before you respond with another defense.)

It's only you that is stating that you are "borderline abusive" or "arrogant" or "bit of an egomaniac." You are the one with those interpretations.

If my motives are portrayed as the complete opposite to what they were, then I think it’s worth me saying that. 1. Because it hurts a great deal, 2. Because ultimately it means the advice being given will also be wrong.

Your motives could be as pure as white driven snow, without any flaw in them at all, (and I don't believe any human can be totally flawless, myself very much included) and the feedback from me would be the same. My feedback has nothing to do with your motives. Or hers. Because it's not about anyone's motives.

 

[EveHarrington]

Heh.

Now everyone else is seeing what I said on day 1. This isn’t CPTSD....

Can I call ‘em or what?!? LOL.

 

[ByrnesT]

Thanks for being so amused @EveHarrington . If I remember correctly it wasn’t your diagnosing that upset myself or other people. It was your insistence that I was diagnosing when it was made clear I wasn’t.

I’d recommend thinking a little before you type again please.

 

[Justmehere]

I wanted to add that I think you are so used to having her attack and gaslight your motives so much @ByrnesT that you are assuming people will do it here to you as well.

But as others have said from your first thread on, you can be super duper wonderful, but that doesn't change that she is still too unwell to be in a relationship.

She has continued to sporadically contact me today. I recently replied to say I accept she doesn’t want this. I don’t plan on doing anymore. So that’s my next step.

It's great you don't plan on doing anymore. That's a good next step.

Can you define what that's going to look like a little further?

It will feel like sh*t to not do anything more. It will feel terrible and hard for awhile to make these changes. If you stick it out, it will get a lot better over time. Try to not take feeling bad, even worse, as a sign that you are doing something wrong. She will also likely act out even more and try even more drastic measures to pull you back in. Try to take that as a sign that you are actually making healthy changes. (That usually seems SUPER counter intuitive in the middle of this kind of cycle and just learning about this for the first time - I've been there...)

I'd also count on her contacting you again, and that you will feel pulled in, or "lured in" as you phrased it, and you'll need a very robust plan of what to do when that happens again. Because it's almost certain it will happen again.

Think about it this way: if you tell someone don't think about pink elephants... what will they think about? pink elephants. So it fails every time.

But if you tell them to think about blue lakes... they will think about the blue lakes and less about the pink elephants.

Replacing the old action with a new action, rather than just not doing the old action, is usually a lot more effective as well.

So I'd suggest finding a replacement action other than continuing to engage with her. It'll be a little easier on your weary and worn out heart. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Yes @Justmehere I’m absolutely here to get feedback on choices I have made. And I...

Believe me man, I hear you loud and clear. However, it sounds like you may need to set some boundaries in place ie, I don’t think this is a healthy enough relationship for me to continue, I don’t think you should continue contacting me or trying to see me, I need to heal from this, so it’s probably a good idea for you to move on and not come back. My ex hasn’t said he would call the police if I continued reaching out, but at the same time, he is still not contacting me back and has said he needed more time (which give a person hope). I actually don’t want a relationship with him any longer because the trust has been compromised and he would have to work very hard to regain that. I hope you can gain some solid answers to your plight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Anytime anybody says anything about cops it should put the brakes on immediately.

Even if they're sending "mixed messages".

Bye Bye Birdie. You're not worth the jail time.

 

[blackemerald1]

It doesn't matter what you think she wants or needs.
It doesn't matter what you think she thinks you want or need.
It doesn't matter what her diagnosis is or isn't.
Learn to say no and mean it.
Learn to live with yourself and be content with that.
Leave her children alone.
Make a plan for what you want (which doesn't include her in it). Get on with that.
Read again, @Justmehere responses, I think they are quite sensible and on the mark.
And I totally agree with @Sweetpea76 . The mention of Police (justified or not) is the end of the line.

 

[Hojay]

Oh man @ByrnesT folks on here are really giving you a hard time. I think you know and understand the codependency and boundary element. But I don’t think that what it’s about for you right now? I get a sense you really need to understand what the heck just happened to you, how you got here, and how to regain your own power here. I get that. Even though we know how wrong a relationship has been, the sheer insanity of it, can be enough to hook us and throw open questions and maybe also old wounds we didn’t even know we had.

Have you looked at the idealization/devaluation/discarding cycle as well as the concept of love bombing in narcissistic personality disordered relationships? Not trying to diagnose anyone, but there are many resources online that describe these phenomena and why we get so stuck in them.

Ps. And “hoovering” is another good concept to look up. It doesn’t always have to be positive, as in “I love you so much, come back.” Hoovering can happen with “drama” too.

 

[LuckiLee]

One other thing I want to address.

You said how you realize how dangerous her mentioning the police was but it wasn't a reflection on any of your behavior.

I'd have to disagree. She felt threatened by your actions which is why she mentioned calling the police.

You're trying to reason with a mental illness (whichever one she has). That is impossible.

Someone very wise here (@shimmerz) posted something recently and it really stuck with me.... "Never put more energy into a sufferers health then they put into themselves.

I know you probably feel attacked here. And I'm sorry for that. We just want you to see the dysfunction. You have alot of "but" phrases in your posts. I've found when someone says something then adds a "but" in the next breath. It cancels out what was said previously.

Good luck. I hope we haven't scared you off.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have no idea why you’re posting if you have no intention of listening to anything that anyone says and get upset when people don’t tell you what you want to hear. This is an exercise in futility.

And really, you were dumped SIX MONTHS AGO which makes you “not a supporter”. Your ex may have issues, but I think you need to seriously examine your own pathology, and why you feel the need to get support from strangers on the internet to fix a relationship that ended half a year ago.

It’s really distressing that you are single, made an online dating profile, and upset you EX OF SIX MONTHS?

Please. The rest of us are either drowning in our own symptoms or supporting someone drowning in their own symptoms. I think your actions are incredibly selfish as to waste everyone’s time. (There are many posts here that hardly get any replies. Yours get many——pointless as you don’t actually want to change or take anyone’s advice.)

Because yes, this dating site stuff? It’s a non-issue. Not even a blip on the radar of heavy shit the rest of us deal with.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@ByrnesT please don’t let the opinions of some chase you away from this forum. As mentioned earlier, I understand you and your need for validation. It’s only human to need closure or to have answer to your whys. I’m sure you see by now that it’s looking very bleak at the moment for your ex to rekindle in a normal way. So that being said, it’s probably now time for you to work on you. You’re definitely worth healing for yourself and for someone new to enter into your life. I believe I may be codependent as well as and I’m finding myself trying to really back off from the hysteria.

 

[joeylittle]

And..another reminder for the sufferers that this is the supporters area - please post accordingly.

Sufferers: that doesn't mean you can't contribute honest thoughts, opinions, questions.

It does mean, however, that you need to take into account your own symptoms and your own reasons for reacting as you do. Try to accept that your point of view might not be the one that makes the most sense, to the supporter.

This isn't hard to understand if you flip it around, and think about how supporters contribute to the sufferer boards - when and why it's helpful, and when and why it's just adding noise. Make noise in the sufferer areas all you'd like, but let the supporters make their own noise, here. Your dysregulation is your responsibility, no-one else's.

@ByrnesT - you aren't being attacked in this thread, but you are definitely getting some blunt feedback, and some wide ranging opinions. That's not unusual. Support often looks like challenge. And sometimes, bad advice can be as helpful as good advice. It's all in how you take it in. Sometimes, getting a little distance helps.

We say often on the board: take whats useful, and leave the rest. You can read the community constitution, to get a clearer sense of the board philosophy. And, check out how to use the ignore function, here.