Scared To Face My Therapist Tomorrow

[digger]

Last week at the end of my session, I managed to hand over some things I had written down for her to read between sessions. This is a pretty big deal for me. I have been seeing this counsellor for about a year now, but most of that has been building up trust and its only really in the last few weeks that we have been starting to get some of the background stuff out there really.

She still doesn't know everything, but the writing I gave her last week is the biggest stuff I have told her so far, but now I've got myself to being petrified of facing her tomorrow. She hasn't given me any reason to fear her response at all, it's all coming from my head, I know that, but somehow facing her now knowing that she knows, is even harder than telling her has been.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't expect any one to wave a wand. Just feeling shit and needing to vent it I guess.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes I get that when I get really brave and can get some stuff out on email hate waiting for my T to reply .

Trusting someone makes you vulnerable and when you are vulnerable you do not have the same about of control over things as usual and that can feel scary.

We are scared of being judged and not understood. You know logically you have taken a great big step in the right direction and you know your T will support you and help you and not judge you . I often remind myself - all of its going to have to come out at some point my T hasn't a hope in hell of sorting it if he doesn't know. And things I have felt terrible about for decades he has managed to make sense of - its still coming out little bits at a time but the more you do it and see its ok the more you trust the more you can get stuff out and deal with it.

I understand your apprehension totally but it will be ok - you have been really brave and you will feel so much better after your session.

Good luck

 

[Nativia]

I know this will sound absolutely ludicrous, but....

Try to envision that you have given your therapist a list of requirements on which s/he must now work. You are the paying customer and you expect to get your money's worth. You could have anything on that list (or in those writings) that you want. It is not your problem what s/he thinks about the work to be done, just that s/he performs properly and as expected.

View it as a basic transaction devoid of emotion. Your therapist will not let you down, but you can work yourself into a frenzy worrying about it unless you have a strategy.

I sure hope this one works...if not...come back online so we can help you find one that does.

 

[mytai]

Hey @digger1 I've been there too. Scared to face her for things I've said, for running away. But digger1 I worked myself into a frenzy and guess what? She (my T) did not disappoint me, she handled it amazingly as I'm sure yours will as well.

Sending support your way. Sorry I don't have more for you - running on empty. Just released from the hospital and still fighting pneumonia, and a kidney infection.

 

[macca]

Digger1, it's understandably scary to disclose stuff that we've never let on to anyone before, or very few, or even to ourselves. It's not easy, and I'm so glad you found a way to tell her. I told mine some stuff and really didn't want to go back, knowing that she knew something about me that I tried to hide even from myself. I was freaking out driving to that next session - but it turned out ok. She was really professional and caring, and though I couldn't look her in the eye, she has been nothing but helpful. She validated me, and I had always been invalidated, so it was healing in part just by telling her and not being told it didn't happen; she didn't brush it off. It can't be sorted if it can't be acknowledged. First step!

 

[Tinyflame]

When I have revealed things, such as SI, though usually I felt better at first (or amazed at the lack of an 'awful' reaction), after I really felt terribly awful, and it takes time for it to go away, a process really. Well, a process of being treated the opposite, I guess. It's hard to believe otherwise. Probably because I felt that way, bad about it, ashamed of it, 'nuts', 'contagious', hopeless, toxic.

 

[Abstract]

You are very brave and have done some great work.

I think for me it is also the being understood and being seen that is difficult. I suspect it is about being faced by the reality of what I share. I am always at least separated from things and someone else knowing something is the biggest means of stripping that away.

Maybe you can aim to just be really patient and kind to yourself. Whatever way you react is OK and part of the process.

 

[digger]

Thanks for the replies. Still a mess this morning and haven't slept well, but holding onto the fact that no matter how scared I have been, I have so far at least managed to get myself to all my appointments with her to date, so hopefully won't bottle it today either. Having a very tough time convincing myself to get ready for going this morning though.

 

[CVC]

How did it go??

 

[digger]

Sorry meant to update here but I'm struggling with words a bit at the moment. Not great but down to me more than her. Tried to put something in my diary here about it but I'm not sure that's any clearer really than this sorry. All a bit too much at the moment.

 

[Nativia]

Just give it a few days. Your real thoughts about it all will start to form and clarify for you. I'm just so proud of you for being so strong in this situation! I know that this was hard for you...REALLY hard. Just be very kind to yourself for a few days as you let it settle.

 

[macca]

Digger1, I know you have been feeling really scattered and overwhelmed, I just wanted you to know how proud and admiring I am of you for going to therapy despite your fear. Well done indeed. We are in the dark before the dawn - I know it's a cliche, but the darkest part of the night is followed by the first rays of light, and I try to think of that often. Hang in there, as Nativia said, it will settle.