Scared

[lonelyone82]

I have been out of my psychiatrists office for months. I have to see her next week. A nurse that was supposed to be helping me ended up going off on me in my apartment telling me I am weak after I trusted him enough to tell him of my rape and violence incidents. He laughed at me and then told me to have a shower. I cried all night and felt awful because he built trust in me over the months. I told the psychiatrist, and this nurse is going to be there this week. I don't want him in contact but I asked him to come so I could ask him why he did that to me?. He still wants to control of my file. I am not interested. I have to confront him about his behaviour. I'm not getting help right now and am suicidal so it's just crazy. I have been using online resources for therapy. I'm praying the psychiatrist helps me. I need someone to talk to but not him. It's a bad situation. I hope it goes well and they take this seriously.

 

[moomin]

I'm so sorry that you were subjected to such appalling treatment by someone who had the privilege of hearing your story. This nurse was abusive and it was not okay. I'm concerned that if he can behave like this, confronting him is not going to get the reaction you want and deserve and could make things even worse because he might traumatise you further. I would suggest making a complaint against him. You're allowed to change your mind about having him there.

He did not do this to you because of anything you did. He did this because he is an unpleasant and abusive person and you can't make him not be that sadly. The lack of empathy or appropriate response is not your fault and not a reflection on you.

I'm sorry you're feeling suicidal. I can't post links yet as I'm new but google the following for some pages that have helped me:

100 ways to get through the next 5 minutes

Reddit suicidewatch swresources

Mind UK suicidal feelings helping yourself now

Pandys (has some good resources for survivors of rape and sexual violence).

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now.

 

[Ronin]

Is there a way for you to change psychiatrists?

This victim blaming is unacceptable.

You don't have to go see someone who has violated your boundaries and trust.

 

[Richie]

this sounds completely unacceptable and under the circumstances, can you not only put a complaint in but also insist on a female nurse? I know that in the UK they are trying to match up female support with female victims (which makes sense so why is this not common practice?) but I dont know if this can be done outside the UK.

 

[lonelyone1982]

Thanks for the concern. It has been traumatic dealing with him. I told the psychiatrist that he did all of that when he was coming to my apartment. After I told her she asked him what he was doing. He called me up and yelled at me for telling the psychiatrist what he had said. I then told her about the phone call. This nurse is very unstable. Throughout the community I have friends and a woman that got cancer said he told her she got cancer because "god loves her". The psychiatrist isn't impressed with him and she is on my side.
I think it's so dangerous though for the vulnerable. The night he hurt me by saying I was weak and got human trafficked because I made a poor choice and other horrible things I thought about harming myself. I felt stupid because I thought he was trustworthy.
I am going to record the conversation on my phone, and if nothing gets done I'm going to complain to patient quality control. In Canada mental health is low quality and underfunded. They have too many patients and not enough resources so they treat most people as a number. There are a few workers here and there that are compassionate but our system is broken. Sometimes I wonder if it is designed to make people worse.
The psychiatrist is nice though, and a resident so she is not burned out. I do trust her and her judgement. It is still scary though and too much stress for PTSD.

 

[Richie]

I am not sure I should continue with this conversation. I am studying psychology to help people like you and i am on this website to learn about PTSD from first hand discussions. I want to be good at this and all it takes is someone with a bad attitude to put people off seeking therapy. This is not your fault and it is a completely natural self-preservation instinct to become wary after an experience of something like him.
I think I would focus on the psychiatrist and try to not even listen to that nurse. The stubbornness in me says let his words go in one ear and out the other. Do not rise to it because that would be giving him some sort of twisted satisfaction. I would like to see the profession get rid of him for everybody's sake but I dont know if that is possible

 

[lonelyone82]

I'm sorry. I'll try not to think about him. I just pray something happens to make the situation better. :(

 

[Richie]

why are you apologising? You are not the problem in this situation. If he is causing you distress then he should not be allowed near you. There are ethical guidelines and codes of conduct and this guy is clearly not adhering to them

 

[lonelyone82]

I feel bad about the entire thing at this point. I think it's my symptoms coming up with feeling like a burden with guilt. With having no treatment I feel distressed and have been sinking in and out of the depression phase. I have been doing yoga nature walking, and trauma release exercises to try to cope. I was drinking vodka at night for a while but it just made me depressed. I'm just starting to realize how irresponsable this whole situation is on their part. If I can see it happening to someone else it would be wrong especially if the person was alone for so long to cope. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself and blame myself sometimes for things going wrong. I always feel better after seeing the psychiatrist and talking with her because she is on my side and wants me to be ok. It will have been six months when I see her on Wednesday.

 

[Richie]

i think there is a queue of people on this website who are all on your side too ;)

i can see why you might feel guilt about all this. people do have a tendency to question themselves when someone else has a go at them. did i deserve that? did i do or say something wrong? etc etc etc but this is in a general situation. in the situation that you are in i can see why these thoughts would be emphasised but they are completely unmerited. this guy is supposed to be there to support you so the social contract is completely different and so are his responsibilities. he should be more accommodating and even if you lost your temper for some reason, this guy should be controlled enough to not react to it at all. i realise that this is not the case but it helps to make my point.
given the actual circumstances, it sounds like he is just some little boy trying to be a bully. given the level of responsibility that he holds, his attitude is not compatible with the position that he has been trusted with.
you are in no way responsible for his actions and no guilt can be attached to you. he should know better and he should be able to conduct himself accordingly. clearly he is not capable of this so he should be mopping floors or something

 

[lonelyone82]

I went to the meeting to discuss my concerns about the improper treatment. At the meeting sitting in was the psychiatrist, the abusive nurse, the new replacement nurse the psych was introducing me to, and the support clerk. I had a strong panic attack including shaking and told them all I have lost trust in all of them because of what happened with the abusive nurse. He was quiet most of the time. I explained how it is psychologically damaging to gain someone's trust and open up to them with sensitive issues and be betrayed then gaslight when I try to say it was wrong. I told them I still need help and am distressed. The psychiatrist questioned me if I am over sensitive and taking things out of context. I assured her no. I think it was fair she asked me that because that is a possibility but in this situation, a huge no.
The new nurse was visibly disturbed and upset over what she was hearing. She explained how she can help and asked me my concerns. I told her it will take me a while to trust her not to hurt me after what the abusive nurse did, as in the past trusting people then having them hurt me I get called naive.
The new nurse then asked him questions in a way that he admitted he had been lying to try to feel powerful without him knowing she was getting him to confess. She was very smooth about it. He basically confessed he was lying about having the ability to kick me out of the program and I got to say "he just wants the power feeling", and everyone nodded. (Including abusive nurse)
When it was all over my head was spinning and I was dissociated a bit but after abusive nurse left I spoke to the psychiatrist and she was laughing at what the new nurse had gotten him to admit without him knowing. I got rid of him now with support and the good nurse renewed my faith that not everyone is an abusive power hungry idiot.
It was actually awesome except that I was anxious but I did speak up against his hurting and the new nurse got the truth out that he was in the wrong.
She told me she works with girls that have had severe trauma and knows how to be supportive and is trained in DBT CBT. It's not a black and white good and evil situation either. She's not a therapist and was upfront about her credentials being a nurse. I am not expecting her to save me it just made me feel better to hear her say she would not abuse me and be totally ridiculous.
I'm glad he is gone.
My psychiatrist wants to see me in three weeks and said to take a break after all of that...
I need one now.

Thanks for listening. :)

 

[joeylittle]

@lonelyone82 - that's a great outcome. You can be proud of yourself for speaking in that meeting, and representing yourself so well. The new nurse sounds like a big improvement too.

Well done!