I'm new to this site and have already found comfort and relief in reading many posts and comments on PTSD. I hope that by joining I can continue to find ways to support our loved ones who suffer.
My boyfriend and I have been together about 14 months. We began dating only a couple of months after he got out and we hit it off really well and were inseparable. However, our relationship has been an emotional roller coaster that I have never before experienced. While he can be so loving, happy, and kind one minute, the next he is rude, distant, and seemingly just existing. He can appear happy at times and at other times, he claims to not be able to find happiness in anything. He has so much built up anger and generally takes it out on me...and most of the time I'm caught off guard and am clueless as to why he's even angry. He has stated before that he's not really mad at ME, just mad.
We have talked somewhat about his experiences in the military, but when the discussion turns to "getting help" or talking with someone professionally (or even just someone who has similar experiences) he clams up. He is untrusting of everyone, including me, and often pushes me away. He has "broken up" with me multiple times claiming he "doesn't deserve me" or that he just needs to "get away." However, he will show up at my house or text me later and act like everything's okay. Other times, him being as stubborn and independent as I am, we can go days without talking. What started as a simple argument can escalate into something major because of his refusal to talk about it and get to the heart of the problem. I'm a fixer. I want to argue, get it out in the open, and be done with it...all in a matter of about 10 minutes. He, however, can stay mad. It's so confusing and emotionally draining. I feel that even though I'm not doing anything "wrong," I'm the one who is always apologizing or “giving in” simply because I want it to be over. Unfortunately, we don't seem to get to the root of the issue.
I know there is commonality between my experiences and others on here, and I am simply seeking advice on how to cope and deal. I know he loves me and I love him dearly. I feel like he needs me, and he has said as much, but I feel like I’m there for him more than he is for me. He is understandably dealing with so much that I don’t even know about, but it comes across as being selfish and uncaring at times because I often take a backseat to his emotions and outbursts. I don’t know that all of this is a result of PTSD or just bull-headedness…maybe a combination of both. If I let things slide, I don't want to feel like I'm okay with things he says or does and feel like I'm being run over. Usually after being repeatedly pushed I will get extremely upset and retaliate, and unfortunately, that is what mostly brings the arguments to an end. I don't want to be like that, though.
Things are not always like this. We have so many good times and great memories and those are the ones I hold on to and one of the reasons I stay in the relationship. However, they seem to be few and far between lately and I'm not sure what to do. If I give him space, he says things like "you don't care" or "you never really loved me." But if I show an interest in spending time together and talking about things, he reacts as though he's been backed into a corner. I don't want to make him feel worse about his issues. I also realize I can't "fix" him or change him and that it will ultimately be up to him. I often feel like I'm walking on egg shells or that there is an elephant in the room. I know he knows he needs help but he feels that he is weak if he talks to someone. I'm not sure where that leaves us, and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I want to be there for him if/when he needs me, but what do I do in the meantime? How do I handle the roller coaster?
Sorry this is so long...it feels good to finally be able to talk about it with someone...
My boyfriend and I have been together about 14 months. We began dating only a couple of months after he got out and we hit it off really well and were inseparable. However, our relationship has been an emotional roller coaster that I have never before experienced. While he can be so loving, happy, and kind one minute, the next he is rude, distant, and seemingly just existing. He can appear happy at times and at other times, he claims to not be able to find happiness in anything. He has so much built up anger and generally takes it out on me...and most of the time I'm caught off guard and am clueless as to why he's even angry. He has stated before that he's not really mad at ME, just mad.
We have talked somewhat about his experiences in the military, but when the discussion turns to "getting help" or talking with someone professionally (or even just someone who has similar experiences) he clams up. He is untrusting of everyone, including me, and often pushes me away. He has "broken up" with me multiple times claiming he "doesn't deserve me" or that he just needs to "get away." However, he will show up at my house or text me later and act like everything's okay. Other times, him being as stubborn and independent as I am, we can go days without talking. What started as a simple argument can escalate into something major because of his refusal to talk about it and get to the heart of the problem. I'm a fixer. I want to argue, get it out in the open, and be done with it...all in a matter of about 10 minutes. He, however, can stay mad. It's so confusing and emotionally draining. I feel that even though I'm not doing anything "wrong," I'm the one who is always apologizing or “giving in” simply because I want it to be over. Unfortunately, we don't seem to get to the root of the issue.
I know there is commonality between my experiences and others on here, and I am simply seeking advice on how to cope and deal. I know he loves me and I love him dearly. I feel like he needs me, and he has said as much, but I feel like I’m there for him more than he is for me. He is understandably dealing with so much that I don’t even know about, but it comes across as being selfish and uncaring at times because I often take a backseat to his emotions and outbursts. I don’t know that all of this is a result of PTSD or just bull-headedness…maybe a combination of both. If I let things slide, I don't want to feel like I'm okay with things he says or does and feel like I'm being run over. Usually after being repeatedly pushed I will get extremely upset and retaliate, and unfortunately, that is what mostly brings the arguments to an end. I don't want to be like that, though.
Things are not always like this. We have so many good times and great memories and those are the ones I hold on to and one of the reasons I stay in the relationship. However, they seem to be few and far between lately and I'm not sure what to do. If I give him space, he says things like "you don't care" or "you never really loved me." But if I show an interest in spending time together and talking about things, he reacts as though he's been backed into a corner. I don't want to make him feel worse about his issues. I also realize I can't "fix" him or change him and that it will ultimately be up to him. I often feel like I'm walking on egg shells or that there is an elephant in the room. I know he knows he needs help but he feels that he is weak if he talks to someone. I'm not sure where that leaves us, and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I want to be there for him if/when he needs me, but what do I do in the meantime? How do I handle the roller coaster?
Sorry this is so long...it feels good to finally be able to talk about it with someone...
