Seesawing Again

[VioletButterfly]

It's been a beastly day. I laid in the floor, as I have no couch, and watched Downton Abbey just to keep myself focused and safe. Plus, the kid downstairs screamed all day and into the evening. I have earbuds on now just not to hear it. I pay too damn much money to live in what I consider to be a crappy/el cheapo apt with that racket going on. I'm dreading this job tomorrow. I don't want to go for a number of reasons, yet I should be so grateful to have an opportunity to make some money. I'm still in the throws of insurance wars and had a call from one rep today, and will have two calls tomorrow. Probably the same old garbage about them not being able to do anything. I'm furious. I tried to call our Dept of Ins on Friday, but it was closed due to the hurricane. Even if I can get out of this and get some of my money refunded, I don't know what to do about insurance coverage as I have an exception for open enrollment until 9/21, and I don't think going the private route is now a good idea, but don't want the gov't in my business. It's so flipping convoluted. Why couldn't I get a job with day 1 insurance? A good job out where I live with nice people where I knew what I'd be doing and felt capable? I just can't make sense of any of this. My moods are so up and down and turned around. I need to be going to sleep right now, but decided that today was the day I'd stop drinking as my body has had enough of that and I can no longer function after having any. So, here I am - miserable and seriously considering that bottle of Xanax I have downstairs in an abstract way. It' just all seems to be so difficult. Why isn't God delivering me from this? Why has my life been like this? Why is it running on the same tracks? It makes no sense.

I find this insane as in the past few days I have made a real effort to put out good thoughts to others on similar topics, yet it doesn't seem to stick with me. I'm exhausted and just want to shutoff like a television. I just want it all to stop. I'm sorry. It's just how I am right now. I tried to spare you and journal about it, but I'm just too devastatingly alone. I don't even have a T anymore due to the insurance debacle. She never offered anything other than going to the ER anyway when I kind of went dark. Like I noted in another post - it was a strange year with this one. How can one be their own T?! Whatever.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm tired of fighting for normal or even semi-normal, for peace, for quiet, for anything.

All I know is to take 2 Xanax and pray. Sorry to be a sad sack VB, but my wings feel tattered and torn.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((((( @VioletButterfly ))))))))))

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Eagle3]

I know what you're saying, I feel the same way. I have no insurance of any kind either. The only good thing in my life right now is my therapist, but I don't see him til Thursday, and I'm super-depressed now. Hugs if you accept them, lets both try to make it another day.

 

[Iamsensative]

Wow, so sorry you are on that roller-coaster. Sending good thoughts and please remember that it will get better. It will, God is with you and loves us. Hang tight the ride gets bumpy but we are strong.

 

[ladee]

Its ok to be tired and Fed up. Its ok to feel nothing will change. We do get beyond weary on this journey.
But we come on here and share. Others share and let is know we are heard and understood. And it gives a tiny lift to keep going.
It changes. Not fast enough but it changes and we made it another day. And lots of kudos for not drinking. We only get to be numb for a short time and our stuff to deal with
Didn't go anywhere. Great self awareness.
Hope you get good sleep and be proud that you did something you didn't want to do. Go to work, get a little money in your pocket and remind yourself of all the things you are doing right. Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you for all of your replies. I really appreciated the encouragement and hugs.

It has been a horrific day, stress-wise. I thought I'd lost my billfold and lost it. That's how I started my day. (I found it tonight, but that's another story).

The work situation was a nightmare. This type of job is exactly what I don't need - another job doing what I don't know how to do or like to do, is way out of my field, is very stressful, that has no work time boundaries, etc... I've decided to go in tomorrow and see how I feel, then I plan on calling my agency and letting them know the scoop. Tonight I saw a mirror image of the job I should be in through this same agency on Indeed. I'll ask them about it when I call to give notice and keep on applying. I've been in this situation before with my last job, only these are nice people and I feel a little sad about letting them down, but my stress level is what has destroyed my health and I have to take care of myself. I wish I could push through, but I'm not up for learning a bunch of new things that I have nothing to tie them to in terms of experience. I need a nice little job doing what I know how to do and have 25 years of experience doing. I don't need a trigonometry problem right now.

I have no real clue about what to do about finances. I'm walking in faith here. Maybe that's what God wants. Maybe this was a test job. Heck, I don't know. I just know that I can't endure the stress I went through today and that I've been feeling since accepting the position last week. I had one of those feelings - I think they call it "intuition." I think I should have listened.

Thank you for reading and for being here. I'm feeling really alone. I called someone I know and she told me to tough it out. That just isn't possible for me with my health and emotional baggage right now, and I think you guys get that. VB

 

[ladee]

Some days getting out of bed and getting dressed is the limit on 'toughing it out'. So do what feels right for you and sending lots of positive energy you get the job you want.
Sorry your friend is clueless but you are right. We do understand. Gentle hugs

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ladee - Thank you for reminding me of the sliding scale, your very apt assessment of my friend and the hugs. I spoke with another friend, wired more like me, and she was appalled by what was going on with the job and the insurance, but she well understood where I was coming from as she'd fought the corporate wars for many years herself. She encouraged me to follow my gut. I did in a limited way as I so need the money and hoped it would work out, but on Friday a line was crossed. On Monday I will not return to the company but to my agency to drop off their door key. My thinking and feelings have slid in another direction this week. I've drawn closer to God again and leaned into my faith, connecting with the real truth. The depression is at bay today, although I am worried and distraught in a dissociated kind of way.

Just a lot going on, but you know what, I am going with my instincts, I am taking a stand and defending myself. I know who I am. I worked hard for that company, despite the idiot owner, and I put up with crap, I followed the rules with my agency and reported the goings-on up until yesterday afternoon, then I made my own decision. This man crossed too many boundaries and violated the law to boot. So, I am indignant and don't care about what the agency says, trusting that God has a plan and will walk with me. I am trusting and breathing my faith. I still have a lot of processing to do here, but at least my mind is certain that I know right from wrong and who stepped over the line, I'm just afraid to speak out because there might be reprisals. There, I said it. I'm a scared little girl still. Much work to do here, but I'm flexing that muscle - it might not be a very graceful ballet leap, but at least I'm giving it a go today.

Also, I drew a line with the insurance carrier and called the Dept of Ins who has filed a complaint against the carrier. I'm still working with the representative at the carrier until the case is turned over to another rep and she is still trying to get part of my premium refunded. I'm being professional and courteous as this is not of her doing, but I am glad that I now have a legal arm in the game. Little girl scared in on this game too as I used to work for this insurance carrier and am feeling like I'm betraying them, but this is just stinkin' thinkin' as one boss I used to work for would say. Contracts are finite and they need to do the responsible thing here.

It is crazy how my moods are so responsive to what is going on in my world. It's unsettling and disparaging. I feel unstable in a way. I'm holding onto God and praying it all works out, but for today I'm not feeling as flat out as when I first posted. It gives me hope when I see that I have days where I'm not laying on the floor, curled up and watching television or numbing out in other ways.

Thanks again to all of you who responded with encouragement and support. I truly appreciate it. Humbly - VB