General Self Employed PTSD Hubbie - I am too scared to mention he hasn't got any work :(

[Sunshine71]

Just when I feel things are getting fairly nice (ish) again it all goes down hill.

Hubby is self employed and the work had dried up a lot. I say this is what happens - feast and famine! But networking etc isn't his thing.

I haven't said anything before (I am too scared) but yesterday felt I should as he hasn't been able to contribute hardly anything since Xmas - so 4 months of me paying for everything - and I am constantly overdrawn and working my socks off as I am self employed too.

I was kind and positive - but he stormed out despite me laying in bed ill and in pain with some bug. I know he feels bad - he loves giving me money towards the bills and feels terrible not being able to. But running your own business is just that - finding the work, keeping your bank records in order, updating your website.

He seems to think watching videos on how to improve what he does is OK - and maybe it is helpful but after months and months of just a small job here and there I feel it wont change unless he does something about it.

He hates not working - he has done the garden today. He may clean the house as well. But what else can I do?

He will flare up again.... I know me talking about this has caused him flashbacks, and he is down when he isn't working. It really helps his PTSD - but work isn't going to fall in his lap. And I am exhausted with the work I am doing. I don't want to be working so hard and doing everything.

I just spoke in a positive way and its caused such an upset.

What can I do???

Sunshine :(

 

[LovingH]

You said you're too scared to approach him about this. When you say he will flare again, what happens?

 

[Friday]

It would be awesome if doing the right thing also felt right, but it usually doesn’t.

I just spoke in a positive way and its caused such an upset.

IME... Hard truths can be gotten through, but lies kill.

So you’ve just told him a hard truth. He’s dealing with it a bit badly, but that’s to be expected, yes? It would be awesome if he just took it on board, and amaaaaazing if he not only took it on board but also got really excited about it, but that he was upset by it also isn’t a surprise or the end of the world, right? It was a very well known possibility, and you handled it the best way you could (minding your timing, being positive, “never bring me a problem without at least one solution” -ie problem solving, rather than bitching ;)- ).... and you’ll probably continue to handle it well (the whole being gentle around a bruised ego thing // not making hard things harder, whilst also hardlining the honesty/loyalty & faith-in-you/your work/belief-you’re-strong-enough-for-hard-truths-instead-of-pretty-lies /in your corner & got your back ...all of that underscored in coming to him motivations.

So if you handled it well and will continue to handle it well... The rest? Is on him.

 

[Sunshine71]

You said you're too scared to approach him about this. When you say he will flare again, what happens?

The same thing. All of the time. :( :( What can I do differently?

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re being assertive, truthful, and are approaching him in a kind, non accusatory way, then there is nothing more you can do. It’s on him.

 

[Sunshine71]

If you’re being assertive, truthful, and are approaching him in a kind, non accusatory way, then there is nothing more you can do. It’s on him.

Thank you xx

 

[Justmehere]

I know me talking about this has caused him flashbacks,

No, unmanaged PTSD symptoms from unresolved trauma causes flashbacks. Not you. It's him to handle his symptoms.

What can I do differently?

Set boundaries, like walking away if he gets loud or acts like a jerk.

As for what he can change, uh, yeah... videos are probably not going to cut it. Maybe he needs coaching from someone other than his partner to tell him the truth about what needs to change. There are some resources to help coach those who are self-employed. Everything from Voc Rehab, to Toastmasters and other non-profits, to learn communication/networking skills/to various mentoring services through various programs. Is he at all interested in that kind of help?