Self-imposed isolation & the gift of good supporters who don't back away

[Powder]

Does anyone have any good, current research on why PTSD survivors have a tendency to self-isolate and that classifies the forms and degrees of self-imposed isolation, both helpful and harmful?

Why is this topic woven into almost every thread, yet not fully explained anywhere? Hmmm. I read that PTSD is looked at as a disorder of isolation and is only healed in a therapeutic relationship, even with a therapy animal.

It's common when in pain to isolate. But why oh why do we push away someone trying to help us when we need it most?

Story:

A little girl was crying on the playground, sitting on the ground, arms wrapped around thin legs, tears rolling down her little cheeks. Nobody seemed to see her there. Children played around her, as she slipped into her own world of pain. (I've always noticed that people tend to ignore those displaying overt pain or crisis in public.)

I ask other kids I'm supervising, "Why is that girl crying?"
They answer, "I heard her friends saying mean words to her and saying they wouldn't play with her."

(These children observing were kindergarten girls. The crying girl sat by a third grade classroom door, as if she couldn't wait to retreat to the safety of the classroom, away from the social site of abandonment at Recess.)

The younger girls slowly walked to her, and quietly formed a semi-circle around her about 3 feet from her feet, as though instinctively aware of her personal space. (These are 5 and 6 year olds!). They use a soft voice to ask her if she's okay and waited patiently for a response.

The girl hid her face under her crossed arms, ashamed of her pain, and quietly told them to go away. This didn't hurt the children's' feelings, but they left immediately and regrouped for imaginative play.

I watched the crying girl, not wanting to make her feel bad, I, too moved further away. Soon, she stopped crying. Her eyes began to take in her environment and look around. She didn't look "cured" but she looked 70% more relaxed and normal that previous. I think having the intervention of caring invited a glimpse into a world that was not completely isolating and horribly abandoning.

So, when I saw her take interest in her surroundings and saw her posture relax a little, I saw that just knowing somebody cared helped her pull out of the worldview that everyone dislikes her. She was temporarily accepted.

How similar, I thought, is this to my flashbacks! When I go into a flashback, my environment, including my supporters, are eclipsed by the inner pain. That painful state I'm reliving, emotionally, physically, is all that is real to me for a while.

When my supporter carefully and gently approaches me, and offers practical and moral supports, rubbing my back, getting me water, or just sitting with me silently and letting me work through it, being there when I can look up again, I am reminded that "somebody cares."

My trauma was due to a combination of early profound neglect coupled with traumatic abuses. So the contrast between my flashbacks of intense emotional abandonment and the solid, constant, reliable and empathic presence of my supporter is night and day different, reminding me that in the present is the relief to my pain, in the present is a risk I can take, a chance at intimacy and friendship. I have the opportunity of a friend.

In the beginning of my recovery, I pushed that risk away. It seemed too risky.

This is why I plead with supporters to get their own therapy and to stand by their sufferers; do not take an emotional beating, but don't ever completely walk away when told. These kids walked away because they don't know the girl, and she was older, but if you are already in a relationship, the truth is it won't work to walk away; that's what the pain and hurt wants, but not the sufferer. Sufferers of all brands participate in reinforcing their own abandonment, but you know better, Supporter.

You stay right on hand, if you want to, and be accessible. The flashback will pass, and you will be there, faithfully waiting for the storm to pass, the tears to fall, the anger to be verbally expressed, or whatever needs to happen.

If you can wait out the emotional storm or silence, then you have earned the right to be the rainbow, "something to depend on" in order to risk vulnerability and being misunderstood in rejoining the land of the living once more.

There's so much risk involved when dealing with one's own trauma, that in order to earn even a little of our trust, you have to be very strong and consistent, able to deal, able to listen, able to feel some of what we feel with us in order to ride it out with us, the pain we contain. You supporters are heroes. You see our pain, yet you also see beyond it, to the parts of us that is unbroken. You see our potential, our goodness, and our desire to survive. You see how hard we are working, and you see how dejected we feel, how ashamed, of when we mess up.

We're hard on ourselves, but you are not. You see progress where we see failure.

You don't try to make us laugh until we're ready, and then your smile comes out at just the right time.

Have you thanked your supporter today? I think now is a good time to do so, don't you?

Supporters, have you done something just for you today? You deserve it! Go for it! And thank you for being loyal and standing by your sufferer through the good times as well as the hard times.

• Don't ever let us push you away because "we don't deserve you." You are your own gift when you know what a wonderful person you truly are and that you have accepted the challenge to help a PTSD survivor complete their time on earth and not self-destruct in isolation.

• My supporter said, that total isolation is 100% deadly. That even the most happy person would soon die if left to be the last one alive on earth.

• Why do we self-isolate when we need support the most?
• Why do we as a society ignore those showing the most need? Why doesn't the school curriculum, in its bully prevention workshops, teach compassion skills, compassion fatigue prevention, and self-care?
• If we were truly a civilized people, we would make it our priority to prevent isolation from being the norm and would encourage people to learn social skills and how to seek and ask for help when going through our darkness wisely and in self-protective ways.
• Why is it only the rare "empath" who fulfills this role? Couldn't we teach the skills of empathy in school?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow. I'm glad you speak for all sufferers. Bravo!

 

[shimmerz]

that total isolation is 100% deadly

I believe this, although I have at times longed for it. I thank god for the people who have helped me ground out because the desire was so great....and yes, I absolutely thank my supporters. I seriously don't know if I would be as good at supporting as they have been.

Thanks @Muse, this is beautiful.

 

[Powder]

@shimmerz I wish I could put it that way, and I agree with you. "helped me ground out because the desire was so great." That is it. Yes, I just didn't have the words. I go at length trying to get in touch with it. I struggle with that. Thanks for putting it like that because it helps me to see more clearly what I was trying to say.

 

[Chava]

For very young kids, making a connection is to another human is a survival response. But in really major life-death threat, like super high fight-flight response, I've read a bit about the vagal shutdown stuff...like the part of your nervous system that has any kind of warm fuzzies towards others just shuts down. I feel this. I am focused on something like bodily survival. I'll never know if this is what was going on with me when I nearly died as a kid or if it was because my mom really was pretty horrible, but in the hospital there was no differentiation between her and a nurse or aide. They were all equally blurry and unimportant to me. And it is terrible because we can't find comfort or any self-soothing either. The whole system is warped.

Maybe look up the vagus nerve, vagal nerve, or things like trauma and vagus nerve. There isn't enough written about this stuff. And I'm not even sure this is the answer, but I think it's interesting. I know I can't connect with others when hyped up or dissociated...like something really physiologically switches off. My therapist has been helpful for helping me keep somewhat of a connection to her through some of this, so I can sort of balance my stress responses in new ways and not shutdown so deeply.

Aside from my therapist I do not have support really, but that's part of the issue. I at least stick to going to my AA meetings, which is good for me but also lets me be supportive of others and have some of that connection. Finding any safe way out of isolation is extremely important. I don't do it much, but I have some very good options that I have learned to deeply value.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am amazed that anyone who doesn't 'have to' support does. :notworthy:

Yes the words don't come easily.

 

[Larksong]

@Muse Thank you so much for writing this, from a supporter.

 

[Friday]

I'm on the other side of the coin from most of this. Not all, but most. I think it's a lovely description of one facet (not sure if it's the neglect piece, or one version of the neglect piece, or personality type, or?)... But I personally isolate for very different reasons.

Not all who are alone are lonely.

& Not all who are lonely are disincluded. For some it's the better of 2 evils. For some it's for their own protection, or the protection of others. For some it's by necessity. For some, other reasons.

Similarly... It is my strong belief that 'No' is always an acceptable answer to any question. Can I play? Yes / No. I've seen hundreds of kids taught that no is as acceptable as yes. Doesn't mean a thing about them. It's an answer to a question. They're just as happy to go off and do something else. (Okay! Cool! Maybe some other time!). They're taught empathy for the people saying no. As well as discrimination, themselves. How to choose between two answers, for a variety of reasons. And to prioritize those reasons. But I've seen thousands of kids taught that they have no right to say 'no' to anybody, ever... And worse, if anyone ever says no to them? It's something to cry about. To be hurt over. To accept as someone judging them, and finding them unworthy. So everyone must say yes, all the time. That's just plain backwards to me. Feels very rape-ish, not having the right to say "no". And very... Co-dependent In Training to be taught that other people's emotional state is your responsibility. It also completely removes the authority of kindness. When a person wants to say no, has the right to say no, and decides on reflection to say yes? To shift their priories around? That's a mitzvah, a kindness. When it's forced? Shrug. Forced things have little value to me.

Also... A part of healthy social skills is isolation / removing oneself from an environment for a time. Time-outs take many different forms, and are valuable tools on bon a personal & interpersonal level.

LOL... If that had been my son in the story? He wouldn't have felt disliked by everyone by being told no, even if he was disappointed. And he'd have been furious at being disrespected enough to be pestered when he'd clearly removed himself from others, compounding the initial problem. A few minutes long timeout, interrupted at the wrong moment would, in fact, would most likely have turned into a good 2-3 hour meltdown instead of just a few minutes. He's an extrovert. A charismatic, outgoing, extrovert. He has no problem seeking out others when he needs advice, comfort, to be loved on. He finds it extremely difficult/painful to be by himself. He only does so when there's pressing need (to keep from lashing out at people who don't deserve it, and cool down). Myself I'm almost the exact opposite, so it's been super interesting learning over the years how his wants and needs are best met, when they're so different from my own.

It really does take all kinds.

 

[Powder]

@FridayJones I Completely agree that it's okay to seek the solace of own's own company and, yes, respect and admire those who know their own needs and are fine with it. In fact, when others have made judgmental remarks about mutual people who choose to live alone and see their friends only a few times a year, I've stood for their right to determine their own need for company and what's best for their social self-identity. Why is there such pressure to conform all around? Even when people think they are making a choice that appears "normal" I'm often shocked at the criticisms their choices draw. Everyone's a critic?

Sometimes, I want to be more introverted in my work, and perhaps my fatigue would lessen if I were allowed to be alone more. So I've considered that a change to spend more time, daily, alone, would benefit me and my family in some ways.

But I seem to derive most of my happiness from being with my spouse because he is first and foremost, my best friend. Holding onto this has been a challenge. I keep feeling it will be taken away, and I'll be alone. Have had to practice much thought-stopping and perception checks.

 

[Powder]

The Recovery Movement that includes the 12 Steps programs talks about Gratitude often.

But within Gratitude are many facets. Awareness of what someone is investing into me leads me to feel a certain feeling, and I'm not sure that "gratitude" really covers it for me.

Coming from a home that was both neglectful and traumatic, it is a bit more than gratitude that I feel. Other feelings can be triggered, not all pleasant. Some are shocking.

When someone, even me, is willing to help another and not expect anything in return, sometimes my heart gets overwhelmed.

 

[Powder]

This topic gets into the territory of the need for control for safety for survivors, according to Pete Walker. This is an area I need to work on myself, but I've met survivors who struggle more overall with it. (I link to the Amazon site of the book, but I'd suggest reading his website content, which is free, first before deciding on purchasing.)

And least people misinterpret, no I don't believe I speak for all sufferers or all supporters. So I don't speak for everyone, just myself and what I'm reading and what I observe in my intimates and coworkers, who I care about. I see all generalizations that are only generally true or the case to be on a continuum anyhow. It might apply to someone, but in such a small degree as to not be worthy of further work or thought.

Walker's Dead Link Removed states: "...one of the most common reasons that clients terminate prematurely is the gradual accumulation of dissatisfactions that they do not feel safe enough to bring up or talk about" (282).

This is why I think those survivors Walker calls primarily "Fight Types" tend to lose friends and relationships over their need for Control; he calls it "intimacy destroying control" and says they often don't admit to needing other people; it is not conscious that they need others. They (well, me) rub too harshly and people just walk away, maybe even fellow survivors triggered by the harshness or who don't feel safe enough to bring up the boundaries violations that are subtle and hard to explain.

Now, I suspect I'm a Flight/Freeze type, but I have Fight type issues with the best of them. I'm only now seeing it more clearly. But seeing it on my own, just by reflecting, is a good sign it can be worked on. Most people, according to Walker, need it carefully pointed out to them.

Well, I do this, not often, but I've done it enough to be the one in my family who does it most; and I have a tendency to control things, usually in the attempt to feel safer or make life better for everyone. :( There is good intentions in it, but it goes awry. So I think I'm needing to work on this.

Rapport Repair is an area that I'm working on, too. Walker says it is important to get skilled in, and it brings people closer together when they go through a disagreement or misattunement/miscommunication, and they are able to own their part in it, and come to the middle. They establish trust as they do so.

This takes "mutually respectful dialogical process[es] [are] typically needed to repair rapport" (281).

I've gotten better on this with my husband/intimate supporter, but I need to invest more into how this works with other people. It takes more energy and effort than I thought, and basically, it's a goal to work on.

I don't mean to offend by over-generalizing. I'm using the language of the book to describe some survivors, not all, focused on Fight Types.

Personally, I think context really matters, and I seem to be able to change my Type a lot.