Self & Self Acceptance

[intothelight]

A few months ago I would not have even started this thread, because I felt that "I" didn't exist. "I" defined myself in terms of others and their reactions to me. Through therapy, reading and this forum, I found out this is a common experience for people who have suffered complex trauma, especially from childhood.

So I started to sort through and work on what I could identify as my core values, characteristics, and attributes. In essence I have been trying to define "me". I have also been learning to accept myself for who I am. Without apology or self-depreciation, and this is the even harder part. Just letting myself be OK with who I am.

There have been some benefits:

• Being able to process traumatic memories without taking the entire blame for everything that happened.
• Elimination of suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm.
• Being able to recognize the boundaries I need and setting them.
• Being more assertive in my interactions with others.

It almost sounds like the cliche of "finding myself", but it is more than that; because I felt so broken I didn't even feel like I existed. Has anyone else been through a process like this? Did you also realize any benefits from it? Or am I off on another crazy tangent in my own head?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you're off on a Healthy Tangent Deb, good for you.- :)

 

[scott_1971_h]

It almost sounds like the cliche of "finding myself", but it is more than that; because I felt so broken I didn't even feel like I existed. Has anyone else been through a process like this? Did you also realize any benefits from it? Or am I off on another crazy tangent in my own head?

No it sounds like you are on the right track.
Scott

 

[Kintsugi]

Deb, I relate to everything that you are saying. I am trying very hard right now to find myself, and it feels so silly to say that because I sound like every other 20-year-old-kid on the block. But it's way more than that. My peers couldn't begin to understand. Where am I? I don't know. If you see her, tell her I am looking for her as we speak.

 

[Srain]

The only way I can say that I can relate is that I have been in a serious state of depersonalization coming and gong for years, if I were honest with myself. Sometimes I want to be here and others I really just want to run away if only from just the past because the present is nothing that I have to worry about at this time, that I'm aware of, I'm just so use to not being here that it's scary to look around, feeling the feelings.

I find your post frightening and interesting to read at the same time. I have taken a good long time making sure it was me I wanted to find before putting in the time and work that I have so far. It's still scary but so far those that are supporting me find I'm worth it and these people have been with me all along, go figure. I have no doubt you are finding the same :)

hugs,
Rain

 

[Spero3]

I finally have the space, time and safety to work on myself. I am experiencing what you are experiencing. It started with writing about the abuse. After a year, I have written 150 pages of an autobiography. At first, my writing lacked much description and sounded clinical. With a friend's encouragement, I started digging deep for the memories and details. It's the most cathartic thing I have ever done. Once I started really writing with detail, I almost couldn't stop. Some days I was writing three or four thousand words in a sitting.

Living with my father for five months out of the year (he spends part of the year in Colorado) has forced me to become assertive. He is a narcissistic, passive-aggressive asshole. I've had no choice but to stand my ground. I am finding my voice. I never thought I'd hear myself write these words, but despite the fact that my mother was a mentally ill, abusive, bitch, I can understand why she had so much rage toward my father.

Being back and school has boosted my self-confidence. All of this, especially the writing, has caused me to change my perspective on myself. I no longer see myself as weak, but as someone who is strong and who has overcome a lot of adversity and trauma. As my friend said to me one day after reading some of my writing, "Seriously, I don't know how you and your sister are walking around functioning at all." Those words really sunk in. I see myself as someone who stopped the cycle of abuse with my kids, got a college degree even with little support from my parents (both of whom have advanced degrees but did nothing to encourage us to go to college), homeschooled my kids, had really interesting jobs (either paid or volunteer) all while dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD and an asshole of a husband who, with almost certainty, has narcissistic personality disorder and is manic.

Keep up the wonderful work on yourself. It is heartening to read your words.

Spero

 

[Heather]

I am very late on this Deb. I told my therapist I want to leave the past behind for awhile and focus on "me" for now and all I can come up with is a big fat BLANK.

I have no idea who I am or what I like. The only things I do know is what I don't like. I guess that's a start.

I have reclaimed my living room :) and made it my space again. Instead of kid central. Which is really nice.

This is what I know about me:

• I have a good sense of humor.
• I'm a good mom.
• I'm a good cook.
• I'm easy-going.
• I'm a good friend.
• I take good care of my cat.

Wow - That's I know more about me than I thought. Hmm, I surprise myself:). Thanks for this thread, Deb.