J_trustno1
Diamond Member
Today I'm not going to complain about anything because I feel I have no issues except for things that go in my head at times lol.
Anyway, I want to share some of the good things that I have come across my life journey, sense of self-worth and self-accomplishments :).
1. I am very happy to be who I am, my body, my height, my weight, my gender, my color, my values and my principals. They make me who I am.
2.I don't dislike my culture as much as I used to because every culture has faults and most my problems come from my dysfunctional family NOT the culture!!
3. I am coming to terms with my self-hate, my self-comparison and beating myself to better than others and proving others wrong! I'm just over that shit. Yesterday, I saw this pretty/hot athletic girl at the gym doing bench press of 30 kg (i.e. barbell + 5 kg added weight on each side) while I can only do 25 kg max (i.e. barbell + 2.5 kg added weight on each side).
I was starting to go on that self-comparison path but then the chant my T taught me started repeating in my head over and again (Chant: I love myself and I accept myself EVEN though I do not understand myself). This whole chant changed my self comparison to that girl. I said to myself, "Well, Good for her that she can lift that heavy and maybe I can lift heavy if I slowly buildup. I do not need to beat myself up for it, if I do then I'm going the old path again and where does self love and self acceptance come into this phrase if I don't follow what I'm practicing?" Instead, i did my workout and went home without having any guilt. I know that I don't need to compete with her nor I need to compete myself. I don't need to prove anyone anything anymore. What I'm doing is just enough. I just want to be and be present in the moment.
4. I'm totally over the whole career thing and wanting to be at the top academia for the sake of my pride and fake prestige.
I knew from the beginning how much I hated being in chemistry labs because of the kind of chemical sensitivity I had in past, the standing up labor, and the kind of assholes I met in the labs. There is no doubt that I loved the theory behind chemistry and all the reactions but I absolutely HATED chemistry labs and the labor involved in them because it reminded me of my childhood kitchen-hand/ waitress and supermarket labor.
The stress I went through during Honors and masters was HELL and NOT worth it!!! I wanted to commit suicide everyday of my life when I was in post-grad. I saw many PhD students having meltdowns and now I'm seeing one of friends who's doing biology losing so much weight. I don't want to do something for the sake of big name and suffer in labs both mentally and physically.
However, doing this job I'm doing now has actually OPENED my eyes!!! This is because I had to deal with toxic chemicals which caused me breathing problems and skin infections for two days in a row. I used to want to be a student again when I was away from university but NOT anymore. I don't want to be part of it anymore. When I was a student I was part of this thing and I saw everything with tinted glasses. Everything during post-grad study looked like as if there is no life outside academia. Now that I went to university after 2 years, I actually don't wish to be there. The kind of bullying and bitching behind the back that goes in Academia isn't any different from the real world.
It's about time I WAKE UP and start looking beyond the horizon. I'm seeing a lot more depressed PhD students having melt downs in the middle of it, having trouble getting employed, some can't even publish papers. Everything doesn't look colorful as I made it to be when I was in and out of uni. It's NOT the place for me. I have decided to change my career path for my mental and physical health as well as for financial reasons. I do not wish to torture my mind and body anymore. I'm done with pleasing people and YES I Am ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY f*ckING MIND and it is a great feeling because before I was so damn controlled by the whole education and prestige thing. But now I want comfort, happiness, easier life than torturing myself, treat myself with love and respect. I DESERVE BETTER. Oh hang on, I DESERVE THE BEST :) :) :) :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
Last but NOT least, I met a great friend of mine in chem labs. She's a brilliant person, a strong female and very positive. We will be practicing positive talk. She is such a great person. I have known her for 3 years but lost contact after I finished uni. Thank GOD we met again. I suppose everything happens for a reason :). I'm very very happy and thankful today. :happy: :)
Oh one more thing before I finish my thread. I want to say that @Ed Norton you were right that "I am stronger than I think I am" and I realised this yesterday and today especially after I met this friend of mine. I am a STRONG person and I just need to believe in myself :) :happy:. Thank you all of you guy, I wouldn't have done it without any of your help :) :hug:s
Anyway, I want to share some of the good things that I have come across my life journey, sense of self-worth and self-accomplishments :).
1. I am very happy to be who I am, my body, my height, my weight, my gender, my color, my values and my principals. They make me who I am.
2.I don't dislike my culture as much as I used to because every culture has faults and most my problems come from my dysfunctional family NOT the culture!!
3. I am coming to terms with my self-hate, my self-comparison and beating myself to better than others and proving others wrong! I'm just over that shit. Yesterday, I saw this pretty/hot athletic girl at the gym doing bench press of 30 kg (i.e. barbell + 5 kg added weight on each side) while I can only do 25 kg max (i.e. barbell + 2.5 kg added weight on each side).
I was starting to go on that self-comparison path but then the chant my T taught me started repeating in my head over and again (Chant: I love myself and I accept myself EVEN though I do not understand myself). This whole chant changed my self comparison to that girl. I said to myself, "Well, Good for her that she can lift that heavy and maybe I can lift heavy if I slowly buildup. I do not need to beat myself up for it, if I do then I'm going the old path again and where does self love and self acceptance come into this phrase if I don't follow what I'm practicing?" Instead, i did my workout and went home without having any guilt. I know that I don't need to compete with her nor I need to compete myself. I don't need to prove anyone anything anymore. What I'm doing is just enough. I just want to be and be present in the moment.
4. I'm totally over the whole career thing and wanting to be at the top academia for the sake of my pride and fake prestige.
I knew from the beginning how much I hated being in chemistry labs because of the kind of chemical sensitivity I had in past, the standing up labor, and the kind of assholes I met in the labs. There is no doubt that I loved the theory behind chemistry and all the reactions but I absolutely HATED chemistry labs and the labor involved in them because it reminded me of my childhood kitchen-hand/ waitress and supermarket labor.
The stress I went through during Honors and masters was HELL and NOT worth it!!! I wanted to commit suicide everyday of my life when I was in post-grad. I saw many PhD students having meltdowns and now I'm seeing one of friends who's doing biology losing so much weight. I don't want to do something for the sake of big name and suffer in labs both mentally and physically.
However, doing this job I'm doing now has actually OPENED my eyes!!! This is because I had to deal with toxic chemicals which caused me breathing problems and skin infections for two days in a row. I used to want to be a student again when I was away from university but NOT anymore. I don't want to be part of it anymore. When I was a student I was part of this thing and I saw everything with tinted glasses. Everything during post-grad study looked like as if there is no life outside academia. Now that I went to university after 2 years, I actually don't wish to be there. The kind of bullying and bitching behind the back that goes in Academia isn't any different from the real world.
It's about time I WAKE UP and start looking beyond the horizon. I'm seeing a lot more depressed PhD students having melt downs in the middle of it, having trouble getting employed, some can't even publish papers. Everything doesn't look colorful as I made it to be when I was in and out of uni. It's NOT the place for me. I have decided to change my career path for my mental and physical health as well as for financial reasons. I do not wish to torture my mind and body anymore. I'm done with pleasing people and YES I Am ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY f*ckING MIND and it is a great feeling because before I was so damn controlled by the whole education and prestige thing. But now I want comfort, happiness, easier life than torturing myself, treat myself with love and respect. I DESERVE BETTER. Oh hang on, I DESERVE THE BEST :) :) :) :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
Last but NOT least, I met a great friend of mine in chem labs. She's a brilliant person, a strong female and very positive. We will be practicing positive talk. She is such a great person. I have known her for 3 years but lost contact after I finished uni. Thank GOD we met again. I suppose everything happens for a reason :). I'm very very happy and thankful today. :happy: :)
Oh one more thing before I finish my thread. I want to say that @Ed Norton you were right that "I am stronger than I think I am" and I realised this yesterday and today especially after I met this friend of mine. I am a STRONG person and I just need to believe in myself :) :happy:. Thank you all of you guy, I wouldn't have done it without any of your help :) :hug:s
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