T says it was a survival skill, I think it was just floating downstream with no rudder or compass. It gave me a couch to sleep on, away from my parents at 14, but it took me away from where I truly was headed. I was too young to have anything but survival skills, and when I finally looked around again age 18 I was way off course.well, is it? It doesn't feel like it is or ever was OK but it got me a couch to sleep on when I was 14 and needed it, I fit in and learned what to fade out, and when.
Even with house, home, and parents - it's the same if you have PTSD. Survival skills is all you get. You don't see the world or learn like others do.Is it okay to look back at your life and just see consecutive periods of adaptation and compromise?
What's it like to see a single thread of self-awareness and decisions made based on what was good for you, not just adapting and surviving, but actually steering and following a compass?
Isn't it a parent's job to steer for you until you are able to take the tiller? Is that where you came from?
kind words. I need to get this quote tattooed on the inside of my eyelids cause I am really working hard at foregiving myself for letting so much of the me that was supposed to be get squashed just for a place away from my parents, my step family. Courageous is not a word I can accept, I did what I had to do, took the best shot at the problem I was facing. Angry about it? Ho boy, yes. And all of those people are dead or so far from me that they wouldn't dare venture back for fear of having to face the adult version of the kid they worked over, there is no one to be angry at except the endless self imposed woulda shoulda coulda and all of the unnecessarily self hating bullshit it carries in with it. I need to get that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.I would say, imagine the courage and resilience and fortitude of a 14 year old to risk taking on the world on their own. Imagine the courage and resilience of a grown adult now looking back and being able to say, I wish I hadn't had to, but the situation was crazy and distorted beliefs and yet, here I am. Not the least of which is empathizing with and supporting a host of people on this site alone.
Flattering. I am vulnerable to the charms of flattery, I let it in and it feels good, this is hard work dammit, you distract me from the job in front of me that is all about changing who I am and how I see myself, uh, thanks? Yes, thanks, it's OK that I didn't drown. Better flotation devices were there to be found but I grabbed what was easy and close and survived, to stretch the metaphor. Surfing implies steering and that I did not do for a decade, or more. Am I steering now? Hope I can look back and say yes someday.You were not floating you were surfing so you wouldn't drown. That was sanity. And remarkable.
I remember a friend (Fire Capt that chose to retire early to take care of his wife), who said "Never say woulda coulda shoulda, don't go there.' Figured he knew of what he spoke.the endless self imposed woulda shoulda coulda and all of the unnecessarily self hating bullshit it carries in with it.
So says every hero, right?Courageous is not a word I can accept, I did what I had to do,
We all take this journey of discovery at our own pace and time. To be an empath has its down side as you can start to take on other’s pain. That does not work well. However, as Lionhearted shared he just loves others. That is an issue with many of us as we realize on our journey that we can’t feel like that. Is that the narcissistic part of my diagnosis.? Maybe? I think I am so caught up at times in working with this I don’t recognize hurting people around me. My goal is to learn to trust my discernment, open up with authenticity and honesty and care enough to realize everybody hurts. Some manifest it my bravado and that scares me, some manifest it by being too needy and that scares me. Some are truly broken for legitimate reasons and those people need listening to and understanding and words spoken or just walking along side them and listening. I am trying to take some of the energy I have toward my sense of self and give it away to others who are trying to do the same. I guess this is an attempt at loving others and I don’t do it perfectly. Everyone expresses pain in so many various ways. It is hard to see their outward behavior is rooted in pain. We want to get away. That is where as I get healthier I can get outside self.I think @Lionheart and @Hulda you have a great point about what can be a dichotomy of qualities. I read a tiny thought today about how a highly sensitive person/ child (not referring to the HSP definition, just traits, of which sensitivity is one apparently) is like a smoke detector to changes in environment and people's responses. But it's often associated with empathy. I have though sometimes I have indifference or apathy, but I think I throw up a wall to my empathy when I am too afraid. It actually is exhausting though, and never sits well with me. I think because it is harder to go against one's grain.
So to feel as though @enough said to be floating, not of agency, could (I'm just thinking) go against drive, desire for normalcy and success, desire for peace, expectation of self-agency.
Beyond owning my scars of the past, I just feel better if or when I can live with less defenses and fears. I guess that's part of where a desire for a feeling of safety comes in to play.