well, is it? It doesn't feel like it is or ever was OK but it got me a couch to sleep on when I was 14 and needed it, I fit in and learned what to fade out, and when.
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Sense Of Self
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T says it was a survival skill, I think it was just floating downstream with no rudder or compass. It gave me a couch to sleep on, away from my parents at 14, but it took me away from where I truly was headed. I was too young to have anything but survival skills, and when I finally looked around again age 18 I was way off course.
Really, I am asking:
Is it okay to look back at your life and just see consecutive periods of adaptation and compromise?
What's it like to see a single thread of self-awareness and decisions made based on what was good for you, not just adapting and surviving, but actually steering and following a compass?
Isn't it a parent's job to steer for you until you are able to take the tiller? Is that where you came from?
Freddyt
VIP Member
Even with house, home, and parents - it's the same if you have PTSD. Survival skills is all you get. You don't see the world or learn like others do.
Those selective periods of adaptation and compromise are still there because you are always in survival mode. That's how you understand the world, that's how you judge everything.
Even with parents "hand on the tiller" you don't learn life lessons the way others do or in a way they understand and at some point you:
A. Get out and start living on your own or with someone.
B. Turn into a useless thing they take care of in their basement.
@enough , I did not have the opportunities you refer to as ideal- but I also had loving parents for a while (both deceased). However they also made mistakes, and some things are questionable, buth both had come from less than ideal conditions. My own loyalty and care- something they couldn't control- could have made me the kid in the basement (figuratively), but out of meeting others' needs more than my own. God knows I was independent- did more by 5 or 6 upwards than most at 25. Did it skew my life- absolutely. Did I learn how to never be a problem? Yes out of my choice.
But, what could be a negative (you're not supposed to be burning your arms on the stove at 5, though I still can because I am (still) short and don't open the door enough lol), I can choose to look back on and say I (we) were remarkable kids. Sure, we missed much childhood, but we overcame a lot. And unfortunately in the overcoming there are same very ugly truths or situations we survived.
Not sure if this exactly applies the way I want to say it, but I once had that near-death-life-flashing-before-your-eyes \experience (an accident but not MVA, ended ok though was close); funny thing was all I remembered were a bunch of small, happy things, mostly from childhood (though shortly after I couldn't remember what they were). A kind word, someone's smile.
I think most people's lives don't go necessarily where they'd hope or plan them too. Or when they get there it's not what they expected. But you have always been you but not looking at yourself through the eyes of what you know and realize now. I would say, imagine the courage and resilience and fortitude of a 14 year old to risk taking on the world on their own. Imagine the courage and resilience of a grown adult now looking back and being able to say, I wish I hadn't had to, but the situation was crazy and distorted beliefs and yet, here I am. Not the least of which is empathizing with and supporting a host of people on this site alone.
I do think @enough , you should hear that was fr*ckn awful, what you survived. But you probably lived the rest of your life with a bigger heart for other's struggles than you know. As you said with the MVA's, what people said to you. But it was your voice, your heart, your face they were meant to see. Because of who you are, what you survived, from the beginning to the present. They certainly didn't need to see someone who thought life is simply a bed of roses, They needed to speak and see you. Because one thing people who have been through much exude and cannot be faked is a capacity for being able to give a sense of calm, comfort and protection like no one else can. You were not floating you were surfing so you wouldn't drown. That was sanity. And remarkable.
But, what could be a negative (you're not supposed to be burning your arms on the stove at 5, though I still can because I am (still) short and don't open the door enough lol), I can choose to look back on and say I (we) were remarkable kids. Sure, we missed much childhood, but we overcame a lot. And unfortunately in the overcoming there are same very ugly truths or situations we survived.
Not sure if this exactly applies the way I want to say it, but I once had that near-death-life-flashing-before-your-eyes \experience (an accident but not MVA, ended ok though was close); funny thing was all I remembered were a bunch of small, happy things, mostly from childhood (though shortly after I couldn't remember what they were). A kind word, someone's smile.
I think most people's lives don't go necessarily where they'd hope or plan them too. Or when they get there it's not what they expected. But you have always been you but not looking at yourself through the eyes of what you know and realize now. I would say, imagine the courage and resilience and fortitude of a 14 year old to risk taking on the world on their own. Imagine the courage and resilience of a grown adult now looking back and being able to say, I wish I hadn't had to, but the situation was crazy and distorted beliefs and yet, here I am. Not the least of which is empathizing with and supporting a host of people on this site alone.
I do think @enough , you should hear that was fr*ckn awful, what you survived. But you probably lived the rest of your life with a bigger heart for other's struggles than you know. As you said with the MVA's, what people said to you. But it was your voice, your heart, your face they were meant to see. Because of who you are, what you survived, from the beginning to the present. They certainly didn't need to see someone who thought life is simply a bed of roses, They needed to speak and see you. Because one thing people who have been through much exude and cannot be faked is a capacity for being able to give a sense of calm, comfort and protection like no one else can. You were not floating you were surfing so you wouldn't drown. That was sanity. And remarkable.
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kind words. I need to get this quote tattooed on the inside of my eyelids cause I am really working hard at foregiving myself for letting so much of the me that was supposed to be get squashed just for a place away from my parents, my step family. Courageous is not a word I can accept, I did what I had to do, took the best shot at the problem I was facing. Angry about it? Ho boy, yes. And all of those people are dead or so far from me that they wouldn't dare venture back for fear of having to face the adult version of the kid they worked over, there is no one to be angry at except the endless self imposed woulda shoulda coulda and all of the unnecessarily self hating bullshit it carries in with it. I need to get that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
Flattering. I am vulnerable to the charms of flattery, I let it in and it feels good, this is hard work dammit, you distract me from the job in front of me that is all about changing who I am and how I see myself, uh, thanks? Yes, thanks, it's OK that I didn't drown. Better flotation devices were there to be found but I grabbed what was easy and close and survived, to stretch the metaphor. Surfing implies steering and that I did not do for a decade, or more. Am I steering now? Hope I can look back and say yes someday.
Dear @enough , well flattery it isn't I mean every word of it. I can't do flattery, because that to me is for a purpose and not honest. When I've had to do it once or twice at work- over the last decade- I feel like 
. What I said is honest, and in my estimation true. (And fwiw Idk what the hang up in our society is on giving genuine compliments, they are facts. based on realities, strengths, deeds or traits.. And it's easier for me to see you more objectively than you might see your self and your own story. You've earned every one.) Not to mention, genuine compliments can help people pursue and have confidence in and succeed in their strengths- that is nice, I feel.
I understand the feeling of wasted years, not the least of which for me has been battling SI a long time. I don't 'regret' it as much as I'm ashamed of it, or who I either have become or am. But I think I intuit the context- I still don't know much of how or what I could have done much differently. I had a lot of help, or few but made up for in quality than quantity. When I think of this:
I think too we can be very misunderstood by others, and misunderstand others also. I remember someone at work thinking I was in the bathroom over a vanity issue, I was actually throwing up. I don't know how many times I either sat down or cried or wish I could, in stairwells, on curbs, in the gutter out of sight. Communicate what you feel they say. Wow that is a loaded statement, they make it sound so simple, not complex.
I am glad you feel angry, enraged even. That shows somewhere you value yourself, as you should. The strange thing I think about life is that were it not for things going wrongly we wouldn't be lead to places we wouldn't otherwise turn. Or perhaps develop realizations we never would have otherwise. We notice too our negatives but rarely our positive qualities.
I know as time goes I think I realize I feel numb when I feel too much, not too little. As far as a sense of self goes, it may change but we still are 'who' we are- you, me, Friday, everyone. This morning I was a hair breadth's from quitting my job, in response to BS they pulled for today and tomorrow. I didn't , because I know I can't. I know I don't regret I didn't, but I could regret I can't. But, I also knew Ye Old Stress Cup was overflowing. And I recognized so many times of how it bleeds in to areas not even related. And frankly, it's up to me to focus on the negative or positive. Including about myself, or yourself, or towards others. You made it, you are a good man, and you've succeeded more than people without the obstacles. You more than deserve happiness, peace, and a sense of great worth.
. What I said is honest, and in my estimation true. (And fwiw Idk what the hang up in our society is on giving genuine compliments, they are facts. based on realities, strengths, deeds or traits.. And it's easier for me to see you more objectively than you might see your self and your own story. You've earned every one.) Not to mention, genuine compliments can help people pursue and have confidence in and succeed in their strengths- that is nice, I feel.I understand the feeling of wasted years, not the least of which for me has been battling SI a long time. I don't 'regret' it as much as I'm ashamed of it, or who I either have become or am. But I think I intuit the context- I still don't know much of how or what I could have done much differently. I had a lot of help, or few but made up for in quality than quantity. When I think of this:
I remember a friend (Fire Capt that chose to retire early to take care of his wife), who said "Never say woulda coulda shoulda, don't go there.' Figured he knew of what he spoke.
I think too we can be very misunderstood by others, and misunderstand others also. I remember someone at work thinking I was in the bathroom over a vanity issue, I was actually throwing up. I don't know how many times I either sat down or cried or wish I could, in stairwells, on curbs, in the gutter out of sight. Communicate what you feel they say. Wow that is a loaded statement, they make it sound so simple, not complex.
I am glad you feel angry, enraged even. That shows somewhere you value yourself, as you should. The strange thing I think about life is that were it not for things going wrongly we wouldn't be lead to places we wouldn't otherwise turn. Or perhaps develop realizations we never would have otherwise. We notice too our negatives but rarely our positive qualities.
I know as time goes I think I realize I feel numb when I feel too much, not too little. As far as a sense of self goes, it may change but we still are 'who' we are- you, me, Friday, everyone. This morning I was a hair breadth's from quitting my job, in response to BS they pulled for today and tomorrow. I didn't , because I know I can't. I know I don't regret I didn't, but I could regret I can't. But, I also knew Ye Old Stress Cup was overflowing. And I recognized so many times of how it bleeds in to areas not even related. And frankly, it's up to me to focus on the negative or positive. Including about myself, or yourself, or towards others. You made it, you are a good man, and you've succeeded more than people without the obstacles. You more than deserve happiness, peace, and a sense of great worth.
So says every hero, right?
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Lionheart
Not Active
My original sense of self was an inanimate object. From there I graduated to "no one and nothing", shutting down completely out of self-preservation.
So yes, I shattered but way before I ever began to develop a true "sense of self" as my traumas began at a very young age.
Fortunately for me, and even tho, I had multiple perpetrators of various types of abuse; sexual, physical, emotional, and psychological, I grew away from identifying with the abusers and the abuse and became what I believed to be the opposite of what they represented and what they tried to change me in to.
I developed into a loving and compassionate soul which is my truest nature and I will explain here:
When I was four years old, my younger cousin would bite hunks out of my back. The adults in my life said, "Bite him back", to which I replied, "No. it will hurt him." So, it is my nature to love and to be compassionate...and as my T taught me, it is "who I am." Free from abuse.
I am still very much the child that said, "No, it will hurt him", but I have also developed into an adult who says, "Cut and be damned."
I needed both to be my true self and to grow independent of abuse issues.
I am not an inanimate object and I am not 'no one and nothing', but when I delve into the deepest rabbit holes of my abuse traumas I see that it is nothing short of a miracle that I turned out to be a good and decent person and human being. That is my newly "repaired" sense of self at this point in time. I still have a lot of work that I need to do, but I am getting there one step at a time.
So yes, I shattered but way before I ever began to develop a true "sense of self" as my traumas began at a very young age.
Fortunately for me, and even tho, I had multiple perpetrators of various types of abuse; sexual, physical, emotional, and psychological, I grew away from identifying with the abusers and the abuse and became what I believed to be the opposite of what they represented and what they tried to change me in to.
I developed into a loving and compassionate soul which is my truest nature and I will explain here:
When I was four years old, my younger cousin would bite hunks out of my back. The adults in my life said, "Bite him back", to which I replied, "No. it will hurt him." So, it is my nature to love and to be compassionate...and as my T taught me, it is "who I am." Free from abuse.
I am still very much the child that said, "No, it will hurt him", but I have also developed into an adult who says, "Cut and be damned."
I needed both to be my true self and to grow independent of abuse issues.
I am not an inanimate object and I am not 'no one and nothing', but when I delve into the deepest rabbit holes of my abuse traumas I see that it is nothing short of a miracle that I turned out to be a good and decent person and human being. That is my newly "repaired" sense of self at this point in time. I still have a lot of work that I need to do, but I am getting there one step at a time.
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Adobe
Gold Member
Rebuild? No .that implies it was there once , was broken down
and needed rebuilding. I saw a counselor 1x in my early 30s who said I had no core.I saw the movie “,Being There” with Peter Sellers. It was funny but very disturbing. I was put on an older generation anti anxiety med . I was in sales in radio and advanced to having an on air talk show. More performance! That lasted a few year and I was tired of all the producing and prep time. I said good bye and went back into sales. I dated a bit. Picked all the wrong men, doctor abuser, insurance abuser, city sheriff alcoholic, I let mysef succumb to the abuse. Finally ,that was enough and quit dating.I started read
Finish….. I started reading “Feeling Good”, purchased CBT workbooks, found some great podcasts. Things started to become clear. I began the work of letting go of performance based living. I am learning to tell the truth about my life growing up and not hide it. It is what makes me who I am. I will not be ruled by shame . Of course the sharing is wise and I don’t share with people that would stigmatize me. But being honest about the CPTSD was a huge step. I can no longer perform with those people. Like I said the Emotions Wheel is helping me become more authentic. It is a slow process but the bold faced honesty is causing me to have a sense of self. You can’t fight it, you lived it, now be real with it to yourself and with others. Maybe some of my setbacks were caused by the amount of emotional energy it takes to hold this all down. It is like pushing a beach ball under water to try to submerge it. It just keeps popping up. Being real and having a sense of self meant honesty with myself and honesty with others.Being authentic. Long way to go.
Reason this is in two parts…I fell asleep typing, I pad on the floor ,me out!
and needed rebuilding. I saw a counselor 1x in my early 30s who said I had no core.I saw the movie “,Being There” with Peter Sellers. It was funny but very disturbing. I was put on an older generation anti anxiety med . I was in sales in radio and advanced to having an on air talk show. More performance! That lasted a few year and I was tired of all the producing and prep time. I said good bye and went back into sales. I dated a bit. Picked all the wrong men, doctor abuser, insurance abuser, city sheriff alcoholic, I let mysef succumb to the abuse. Finally ,that was enough and quit dating.I started read
Finish….. I started reading “Feeling Good”, purchased CBT workbooks, found some great podcasts. Things started to become clear. I began the work of letting go of performance based living. I am learning to tell the truth about my life growing up and not hide it. It is what makes me who I am. I will not be ruled by shame . Of course the sharing is wise and I don’t share with people that would stigmatize me. But being honest about the CPTSD was a huge step. I can no longer perform with those people. Like I said the Emotions Wheel is helping me become more authentic. It is a slow process but the bold faced honesty is causing me to have a sense of self. You can’t fight it, you lived it, now be real with it to yourself and with others. Maybe some of my setbacks were caused by the amount of emotional energy it takes to hold this all down. It is like pushing a beach ball under water to try to submerge it. It just keeps popping up. Being real and having a sense of self meant honesty with myself and honesty with others.Being authentic. Long way to go.
Reason this is in two parts…I fell asleep typing, I pad on the floor ,me out!
I think @Lionheart and @Hulda you have a great point about what can be a dichotomy of qualities. I read a tiny thought today about how a highly sensitive person/ child (not referring to the HSP definition, just traits, of which sensitivity is one apparently) is like a smoke detector to changes in environment and people's responses. But it's often associated with empathy. I have though sometimes I have indifference or apathy, but I think I throw up a wall to my empathy when I am too afraid. It actually is exhausting though, and never sits well with me. I think because it is harder to go against one's grain.
So to feel as though @enough said to be floating, not of agency, could (I'm just thinking) go against drive, desire for normalcy and success, desire for peace, expectation of self-agency.
Beyond owning my scars of the past, I just feel better if or when I can live with less defenses and fears. I guess that's part of where a desire for a feeling of safety comes in to play.
So to feel as though @enough said to be floating, not of agency, could (I'm just thinking) go against drive, desire for normalcy and success, desire for peace, expectation of self-agency.
Beyond owning my scars of the past, I just feel better if or when I can live with less defenses and fears. I guess that's part of where a desire for a feeling of safety comes in to play.
Adobe
Gold Member
We all take this journey of discovery at our own pace and time. To be an empath has its down side as you can start to take on other’s pain. That does not work well. However, as Lionhearted shared he just loves others. That is an issue with many of us as we realize on our journey that we can’t feel like that. Is that the narcissistic part of my diagnosis.? Maybe? I think I am so caught up at times in working with this I don’t recognize hurting people around me. My goal is to learn to trust my discernment, open up with authenticity and honesty and care enough to realize everybody hurts. Some manifest it my bravado and that scares me, some manifest it by being too needy and that scares me. Some are truly broken for legitimate reasons and those people need listening to and understanding and words spoken or just walking along side them and listening. I am trying to take some of the energy I have toward my sense of self and give it away to others who are trying to do the same. I guess this is an attempt at loving others and I don’t do it perfectly. Everyone expresses pain in so many various ways. It is hard to see their outward behavior is rooted in pain. We want to get away. That is where as I get healthier I can get outside self.
Adobe
Gold Member
In regards to people perhaps at work who wield their authority in an abusive fashion there is always some one above them willing to do the same. This whole cycle in this kind of management is a hell of a way to live in fear and insecurity. There is Elephant management that works so well. Everybody wins. When people are placed in positions of authority due to their skill sets and abilities management needs to look at their emotional IQ. Everybody wins and a businesses appear to prosper.
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