Sessions And Spice

[Koala]

Had a therapy session today, it was rather relaxed and I held it together rather well right through the session. I walked out onto the street kissed my wife goodbye and headed back to work, therapy is like 50 metres from my workplace. By the time I got the to the traffic lights i started loosing it, two guys were sitting in a car and looking directly at me.. I glanced, then glanced again, mind ticking mind numbing mind gone... not sure where I was, not sure what the hell was going on.. .

Kept walking around the block, it was only 2pm and I needed to get back to work as I had already been on my *lunch break* for 1.5 hours. DVA is right beside the VVCS so I walked into DVA to get some info...

They were awesome, in walked a blithering, mumbling idiot and out walked an idiot.. They did not council me but it gave me a bit of time to get my head back in order. They put me on the phone to my case worker from like 14 years ago when I had a major leg injury. They gave me details to move forward. I managed to get back to work at 3:45.

Lesson learned from this, try to put sessions as late in the day as you can. This way if it is an intense session you can go home if late enough.

 

[Koala]

Relaxed session today, I had been stressing about this session for the entire week as it was the first session without my wife being present. Thought I was going to get grilled for details, but no.

What I did find out was that I do indeed have flash backs... okay hear me out, I am new to all this.
A flash back is not like it is portrayed in the movies, the wall does not physically change colour in front of your eyes at least it does not for me. For me I can clearly see in my minds eye the tiles of the room I was cooped up in, I can see the grout between the tiles, I can see the ants in the monsoon season swarming in, I can feel the humidity even in winter with snow on the mountains... That is classified as a flash back, this is the time we are meant to do our mind exercises and grounding. That is what I was struggling with, at what stage do I invoke the exercises, especially if I dont realise I am gone. These leads me down another path of discussion we had today in the session.

"Explain what your breathing, muscles etc are doing when you are having an episode.."
For me an episode is when I notice a shooting pain down my heart and arm, all I want to do is curl up on the couch under a blanket to get comfortable. What are my muscles doing, what is my breathing doing, I have no idea as I am not there. I am not anywhere really, it is as if a bubble has formed around me and nothing can get through it. Thinking about is now, it is as if there is a calm place in my mind and I occasionally manage to find it, problem is this place is that distant I have no idea of what is going on around me. The counsellor did a deep breath and it triggered a memory, I do that through and toward the end of my episodes, I then have to stretch the ever tightening I feel in my heart, as if my heart has grown too big for my chest. So it seems that I shallow breath, which in turn causes not enough blood to the brain.

Down hill from there with pains in the head, like a hot poker under the skin or burning ice shooting through my head.

We have come to the conclusion that while cognative therapy is helping it is time for meds to kick in to help the process along.

 

[Koala]

Okay so on the Cymbalta 60mg, started yesterday. 8 March 2011.. Felt a bit nausious and had to leave work and go home. Decided it would be best for me to take them in the afternoon that way i should be asleep when the nausia hits. How is this, my therapist told me about the drugs, told me that some people take them in the morning and some in the arvo. The Doc told me nothing, just handed them over and said, one a day.

What does it feel like, well for years, 10 in fact I lived in the dark recesses of my brain, right at the back. My head was full to the point of exploding, no room for anything, could not remember things that I once found simple, like phone numbers and simple instructions. Major fog, a person would ask a question and it would have to find it's way through the fog, I then had to process the info and respond, it was hard work.

Now I know drugs take time to get into the system, but for some reason I am feeling things now. Dry mouth, nausia and dizzyness but my head is clearer. I am moving to the front of my brain, thinking is easier (when not dizzy). I actually played with my daughter as I do everyday after returning from work but this time I enjoyed it!

Hopes are up.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, some drugs work pretty well straight away. direct action drugs for pain and anxiety attacks like xanax, the valium etc, work pretty much within an hour, where as a lot of the anti psychotics and anti depressants take a while to build the levels up in your body. They are there to replace chemicals you are not producing like serotonin and things like that. Other anti anxiety drugs like propananol also require a few days to build up.

Its also the same when lowering your doses or changing some medications. The MD will get you to wean yourself off them and in some instance go a few days with nothing in your system before starting another medication.

I suppose I am fortunate that I have a fare control over my medication and can raise and lower them to suite my situation. Right now I have raised my anti depressants to 200 mg (also agreed by my psych). This has been for a while because I am really down due to constant chronic back pain. I am hoping that once the surgery is over and I have recovered that I can lower the dose.

I still cannot sleep unaided yet though. Avanza is like a security blanket for me.

Just a bit of rambling and if someone is a lot more educated on medications, I would welcome their input.

Jimmy

 

[Koala]

Thanks Jimmy, does this mean that some of the drug is in the system while others are not yet built up. Wondering if it might normalise, read below to understand a bit more of what the hell I am talking about.

200mg, wow.. I have a friend on 10mg, I said to him "I am on 60mg, I got a bigger doodle than you".
You are on 200mg so you must be huge... yeah girls its a guy thing..
When is the surgery, Mater Hospital, I hope it is the Wesley Hospital?
Let me know, will send you some edible blooms.. (chocolate flowers that ya eat)

I took the tab yesterday afternoon, got a bit dizzy last night but was okay as I was able to sit on the couch and then go to bed on the sleep routine. Woke up this morning feeling rather light headed, but I was able to get out of bed pretty much as soon as I woke up, the wife did not have to come and get me once (normally take three times and a cup of coffee). At 10am I was as high as a kite, at work and still able to work but I was giddy / happy. Now is this because I have been a grumpy asshole for the last 11 years and are not feeling what I think is normal and therefore feel giddy and light headed or is it something to be concerned about... I don't mind it that much but my wife is telling me that I have shifted completely to the other extreme of being almost silly. Problem is I was silly / weird before joining the Army, I would crack myself up laughing at the strangest things, so is that my normal mindset or.....

Do others go through this?

Almost learning simple things like keeping emotions in check again or are these drugs giving me too much of a buzz?

 

[Jimmy1]

No mate, I am no expert, but make sure you notate how the drugs affect you. Especially if you feel suicidal as some anti-depressants can actually have a reverse effect.

Mate the mg thing is different for all medications. When I was on Lexapro I was on 20 mg, and once I was on 60 mg of Avanza. Actually at one stage I was on 200 mg Zoloft, 1000 mg Sodium Valporate and 60 mg of Avanza.

I chopped and changed for a long time till I found the right combination to function with. Mind you, I was also getting regular therapy (weekly). Anthony will agree with me here too, that once you have started actually dealing with your trauma's, managing the symptoms become a lot easier and you can usually reduce the amount of medication you are taking.

I will always have some valium and xanax in the cupboard. Just in case.

I think I have everyones support here in saying I wish there was one tablet to fix all.

As for my back surgery, I will be in the Mater Hospital here in Townsville. I don't know when yet, but find out on the 15th.

Jimmy

 

[wife of]

Might help the docs to see how your doing day to day on the meds if you keep a wee diary mate??

 

[Koala]

Thanks Wife of..

I missed one day of the meds last week and went down hill like a ton of bricks. The missus was screaming at me cause I was not in this world, I could not function. We were on a boat tour for six hours, had booked the trip two weeks in advance, lucky were were at the front of the boat.... That may sound strange as normally we like to be in the back of the room so we can see where everybody is all the time but it helped to zone me out thinking it was just me on the boat...

Took another tab that night and nothing, did not feel anything the next day. So now it feels like it is not working but after thinking about it and a few days later I think I have leveled out. Have only had one really bad "I want of this mortal coil" day in the past two weeks. Sorry if that upsets people but sometimes it gets that bad with the blues and anxiety that you just want to end it.. This is fun for nobody type of thoughts... I use to float just above the line dipping into it almost daily. Now I have a postive outlook, not giggling like a girl guide (although that was fun for the first day or two) but I am not negative and down all the time either.

I only really tend to have flashbacks when down as well, is this true for others.. .when you are up you are strong and can control your reactions / thoughts?

Aaron

 

[willis williams]

Koala I never experienced flash backs but some damn nasty nightmares that if desterbed could be violent. I toy with ending it probably every other day it seem like I just can't get ahead of it sometimes equal but never ahead of it. I am stuck in a really bad spot right now finacially and there is no way to fix it I end up with lawyers taking money I worked for and am told that there are plenty of jobs in the national economy that could work with my condition. I was a millwright and welder and because of physical problems and mental it just don't work they don't hire millwrights for half days. There is no work were I live and the only good job I had it good wage full benefits and the Va took that away first the came the reposetion of my truck and the selling of all my valuble stuff to keep a roof over my families head. It is going to get harder in the next month I don't even know were I am going to get the money to pay the electric bill. Just having a pitty party. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

Jump on a boat Tex, and land on our shores. They will give you a house, a pension and a job. lmao.

Just joking about that, we are having heaps of boat people at the moment.

But, Australia is a lucky country and if you want to work, come on over and give it a go. The problem with a lot of Aussies is that they have an expectation of doing the least amount of work for the most amount of money, yet they whine when foreigners come over and take their jobs.

Just having a bitch mate, but I would welcome you.

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

Americans do the same shit. but when ask if they want to dig that ditch the say hell know like they are above it. Sad. I would love to come over and work but it is probably harder for an alie the a refugee. I had that chance and I think I blew it I got the company to agree to sponser me and do to my ex it got shut down and they didn't sound to happy guess they went through a bit of trouble to get my documents and I let them down. Go figure she divorced me a year and a half later. TEX

 

[Koala]

So I finally got the official diagnosis of PTSD, Chronic.

So there I am telling my pyschologist that I am not really that bad, I mean I can handle most things okay. She looks at me and starts talking about when the fire alarm went off during one session, and remember this session and this session and oh what about this session where you freaked out. Me... oh yeah I guess.. Then all of a sudden the fire alarm crackles, you know that telltale speaker crackle all too well (think handset / radio). Anyway I flipped again, she had to walk me outside as the firealarm went off. I sat on the concrete outside and had to calm down... It was all stuff you could not even put in a book, almost like it was rehearsed.

She is going to write a very stern letter asking for further warning about fire alarms.

Today, I was riding the motorbike home from getting a service and saw a red flash in the rear view mirror. Freaked me out, heart racing no it was not cops, and not even the reaction you normaly get when seeing cops. It was a small freak out, barely kept it in check. Not a good thing when on a bike at 80km an hour. As far as I know it was the red flash of the sun reflecting off the car behind me.

I am at a stage where anything out of the ordinary will set me off. Anything, like right now my mother-in-law is in the kitchen and she is not slamming the cupboards but is not closing them gently either, boom boom. My heart is going f*ck, f*ck with every door that shuts... Wife just found the dummy for the baby girl, I have been asking where they are all day it seems. She just walked out and asked if she should try it... "***f*ck Oath***" I say.

"don't be so aggressive" is the response as she storms off..

It is like 10:30 here now and I should almost be thinking about me pre bed plan.. but I am ramped up.