Sexual Acting Out... Warning Sexual Content

[Ede]

So I (a PTSD sufferer) Started an acting out phase after I met my sufferer. Sleeping with lots of different guys I had multiple dating ads up I was out of control. Literally could barely keep the guys I was talking to separate.

When I started seeing my sufferer it was casual. Just fwb. But I immediately knew I wanted more from him. So I thought if I saw other men I wouldn't catch feelings. He even got off on hearing me talk about my sexual escapades. We're both kinky. Well I've stopped my acting out and am only seeing my sufferer. Tho we are still just fwb. My last acting out was a man 15 years my junior and I lost friends because of it.

I have a hole inside of my heart that I need to fill. I've tried filling it with friends and school and family and hobbies etc.

But I really really miss my sufferer. I see him once maybe twice a week. I know it's not healthy to have someone else "fill you" but I feel so good around him. Beautiful and smart and amazing like I can do anything.

How do I stop obsessing about my sufferer? Acting out helped but had consequences and I don't want to do that again.

 

[Behej]

I relate to all kinds of sexual acting out through the years. But I'm wondering why you are missing your sufferer or why you can't have a more regular connection or work towards and more regular relationship (sorry if I missed something). It's good to have friends/companions that help us feel smart and beautiful and not just like we are filling a hole. I think that's normal. But I don't know your whole story.

 

[Uzew]

My thought...because you DO want more?
This low-level involvement isn't good for you.
So...tell him you want him for more.
If he runs for the hills now, it will hurt?
But the longer this lasts, the more it will hurt when it ends.

...feel free to take or leave this advice.

 

[Ede]

I do want more. He knows and thought about it for three days and decided we can just be friends. And we'd stop the benefits part of it because he doesn't want to hurt me. I hung out w him three times with no messing around. Then we had a heart to heart face to face talk. He told me about how has some issues that he needs to deal with before he can even think of being in a relationship. He said if we dated right now we'd last three months and then it would explode and he'd lose me even as a friend. Said he has way too high of expectations on his partners and he needs to work on that. So I don't push. If all I get is his friendship then that's all I get. I honestly believe it's all he can give. I caved on the benefits part tho. One of his expectations he had on his ex wife was he couldn't understand why his wife didn't get what he was going through. She didn't try to understand.

I understand what he's going through. Not exactly as his is from combat and mine is sexual abuse but I get that it takes control of you sometimes.

I don't know. I swing back and forth between, thinking I'm being stupid and thinking I'm being strong.

Really tempted to go see another friend tonight and get some affection. Really fighting it.

 

[Edab]

HI Ede-

Sigh- you're probably not going to like my response, but hey that's why you're on here right-I feel like as much as you might not wanna hear the truth, you WANT to hear the truth and sound like an intelligent woman to where I think subconsciously you know it, but don't wanna listen to the voice. (It's scary)

Here's my opinion: I suffer from severe complex sexual trauma PTSD. I've been literally exactly where you are right now. I was mollested, raped, sexually assaulted, date drugged and taken advantage of in my own home- and for years I kept shoveling dirt on the nasty hole of secrets with sex. And if I were to talk to the young, injured me I would have told me to go take a hike, but here I go out on a limb. I try to help people (especially women) that are right where I was when I was alone, F'd up, and making horrible decisions.

I think you and your guy are essentially an addiction to you.(Or to eachother) You are in a spot right now where intimacy = feelings that fill a void you are filling for yourself. I did that too. No judgment. It is what it is, but please hear me in when I say what you are doing is just literally creating more trauma and pain. Stop seeing him, take a break, and go talk to a counselor. I promise they will be helpful. You are in a place where you are blocking your feelings, past, and pain with someone "caring" for you.It is literally like taking a drug. Short lived it feels good, and there you are again aching to feel like you were. Because of your desperation for attention, I know that you and I were in the same place. I promise you that you can have 100 guys and it still wont fill the void you are trying fill. You are NOT alone gal- just be brave and cut off everything and everyone for a bit, talk to someone and see what you start to feel. You will grow and learn that supporting yourself rather than depending on others and their attention means SO much more.

Hugs-Renestel

 

[Rusedi]

wow not sure why that shows up as "Jugi anonymous", but that was me that wrote that to you Ede....

 

[Ede]

It's an anonymous board. It makes up names?

Thank you for your input. I am in counseling and we have discussed my obsession with him. We're working on me getting to a point where I have "an appropriate level of attachment" to him. Being with him is bringing out behaviors I can discuss in counseling. They were ready to let me go on my own (no more counseling needed) until I started sleeping around (unprotected no less) at least now I have things to talk about. I've only become obsessed with 2 other people in my life. I think of this as an opportunity to see the symptoms that come out when I'm like this. Hopefully fix the root of the problem. So I can have healthy attachments. Probably not with him, but who knows.

 

[Ede]

Things are over with him and I'm REALLY fighting the urge to put my ads back up and meet people. I don't want to do that again. I want a husband someday. I feel that if I continue to be a slut and just fill my life with empty relationships I'll never get what I truly want.

It's hard though because right now I feel rejected and it'd be so easy to slip back into my old behaviors.

 

[Hajot]

Well several things-

First: I'm so proud of you that things are over with him. It is going to be very challenging for a bit to not go back or like you said not go to the outlet of filling that wound with someone else. Second, you know exactly what is best for you, trust your emotions, when you say "I feel that if I continue to be a slut and just fill my life with empty relationships I'll never get what I truly want." You are SO right! and I think you know it, but its really tough to stick with it.

Last-is there anything else, a hobby you are really good at? Sometimes when I felt like I was feeling weak and craving attention I eventually started to immerse myself in art and sculpture, and getting the pats on the back and praise for making something really cool it was a different type of attention and fulfillment, but it also felt cleaner and better to me. Like I did something positive with it versus negative. Negative feels good in the moment but then it was just like my food gorging-after the high of it, I felt so disgusting and like "crap- I did it again".

The other thing is I hope for your safety that you don't post ads, I've heard of so many women getting attacked, raped, killed, diseases, the whole span doing things online. Goal for you is to take care of yourself, I know it may not be the first thing of importance at this moment, but try to get there. It took me a long time to really get to know myself, love myself and protect myself. But that's where PTSD can become a positive in the long run. I still fall and am in the middle of healing still, but there are days that the awareness it gave me, the better judgement, not getting blasted in college bars and just hoping everyone was a good person and wouldn't do anything bad to me, really makes me realize how much stronger and smarter it has made me. It has its bad stuff yes, but focus on the good. Keep yourself busy. Don't let those voices in your head telling you to return to your past behaviors win. You can do it-and the more you work on yourself, then a love will come your way that's GREAT for you and you will be healthy and ready to have a wonderful relationship and husband that you deserve.