Shall I Cut Off Ties From My Toxic Family Forever?? Please Help!!

[scout86]

My own situation is a little like that of digger1.

I recently had a conversation about this with my T. He had been telling me "you can divorce your family, you know" for some time. It finally dawned on me that he probably kept saying that for a reason. (I'm a little slow sometimes!) He said he thinks the big questions to ask yourself, when you are considering ending a relationship is "How do I feel about myself in this relationship? How do I think about myself in this relationship? What do I plan for myself in this relationship?:" He pointed out that "you are the only person you absolutely have to deal with for the rest of your life."

You might want to ask yourself those questions and think about your answers. Are you in any kind of therapeutic situation? You might find it helpful to talk this through with someone who can be objective but actually knows you, as a person. Sometimes that can give you insight that you can't find on your own.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Jess you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Sounds like your heart already knows the answer to your question. Toxic ppl want to bring you down to their level. Please don't forget that. Surround yourself with positive ppl. I promise they're out there. You've shown courage by seeking help. Chin up. You already know you deserve better. That's a great first step. :)

 

[Hashi]

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but if you are having a problem with all those relatives, it might be time to take a closer look at yourself.

Wow. Bluerose, I have to say I completely disagree with what you wrote.

 

[Hashi]

@jess_trustno1 - what reasons do you have to not cut ties?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

@Bluerose please google scapegoated children. Thanking you in advance.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi There, I highly recommend the book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

So sorry for your pain.

 

[nomedic1]

Cutting ties is your only hope for a decent life .

 

[Bluerose]

I would like to apologise for any upset my post may have caused. I think I missed the seriousness and the severity of the situation. I apologise.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

jess, also, have you heard Christina Perri's song called "Jar of Hearts"? It is my friend a lot. It describes perfectly the personality disorder relationship no matter if it's a family member or a lover. Here are the lyrics and I hope it provides a source of comfort for you like it did for me, it validated me:

"Jar Of Hearts"

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

 

[Lost Pup]

I cut ties with the majority of my own family 7 years ago. While I would not have it any other way, I warn you that their impact on you will likely continue even in absentia. In fact, the more years that go by without movement, insight or attempts to reconcile on their parts, the more it hurts.

One thing I did that helped me not have regrets was writing very long, well-crafter letters to each of them, explaining who i was, what I would need to re-institute a relationship, etc. None of which "worked" but I am glad to have done it.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

[a3a2]

Jess, I have found that if someone is asking this question, they at least need to take an extended break from the family, so they can get in a better spot, so as to make better decisions.

 

[a3a2]

P.S. Make sure you are getting therapy. There is a lot of healing to be had by re framing these awful experiences.