Shall I Cut Off Ties From My Toxic Family Forever?? Please Help!!

[Pencil]

"It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head" (Sally Kempton). In an abusive family, your head becomes infested with their outposts. It's almost impossible to destroy the outposts in your head while you still have contact with them. Therefore, it makes sense to cut all contact in order to clear the infestation. When you make contact again, your head will become infested again, but to a lesser degree. So, cut and clear head, rinse and repeat until you can have contact and keep your mind clean and clear and safe. But it is not easy.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

@Pencil It takes a very strong sense of self to rise above dysfunctional dynamics. In my family they consistently taught me what not to be. About the only perk of being the family scapegoat. A good one nonetheless. :)

 

[NinaFa63873]

Lost Pup - you are so right...I did the exact same thing, I like yourself cut off with my family and was deep inside hoping that one day they would understand me for once or at least try to...it would have taken so little at the time but no matter how hard I tried, the abuse continued and then PTSD showed up and decided to make life harder but in a different way.

Jess -The struggle with PTSD alone without any support has been hard but better than the abusive past. I have no relatives and no family and live in country where I'm not even a citizen..which means few close friends and no social support network. It's been a hard struggle and very scary at times for years and even though I was about to give up I found a strength in the fact that I now had myself..MYSELF..which I never had, and was entitled to this has been a great comfort. Do know that when the no-contact policy proves you are beyond right, it hurts a lot. Cutting of family for me was purely survival at the time and I didn't have an "forever" idea in my head but as time passed I realized I done the right thing, didn't regret it and the as the years pass I believe it's forever, unfortunately.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

@Jess Give yourself credit...find a mirror and give yourself the biggest hug evahh. Keep rising above your abusers. Keep moving in the right direction. You're young.....find your cause and make a difference in the world!

 

[a3a2]

I would like to apologise for any upset

I love people who are strong enough to apologize.

 

[a3a2]

they at least need to take an extended break from the family

Taking yet another extended break from MY family. Big sigh of relief.

 

[Pencil]

your head becomes infested with their outposts

Correction: While growing up in an abusive family, our minds were colonized by them, it was part of their territory. As we extricate ourselves, they have outposts there. And cutting ties is simply the first step - the hard work is claiming your mind as your own and not allowing diplomatic relations. It can take years.

 

[shimmerz]

If one casher is a bit off hand it could be that she is having a bad day but if the next casher and the next seem a bit off with us then it’s time to ask ourselves if the problem might be us.

My guess would be the problem lies in the management. Crap runs downhill.

Sorry, didn't read the apology before I typed this and don't know how to remove it. My apologies @Bluerose . I shouldn't have brought it up again.

 

[junglegirl]

I spent five years away from my family; it allowed me time for anger,and greiving the loss. I am reconnected and things are peaceful and loving between us. I would not want to live with them but we are very close and finally are healing the terrible past, that tore us apart.

 

[shimmerz]

@junglegirl did you have counselling during that time or were you able to work through that by yourself in just having the distance?

 

[Philippa]

That's amazing junglegirl.

It's been about 2 years for me. I intended before I made the final decision to cut ties with them, that if I did, and I knew I had to to survive, that it would not be forever...but just until I could get back on my feet and learn new skills of assertiveness and boundary setting, finding my voice and all the things I couldn't seem to do when I was around them. Part of me has started wondering if it's time to call my mother and see if we can talk.

I'm not really prepared to see my father again at this stage. He's pretty much dead to me, and I'm not really sure that it's the best option to reconnect with her again either? I'm having a lot of questions as to whether they will even want me to come back at this stage, and if it's even in my best interests to or not?

I know I made the right decision and I'm not really keen on putting myself back into a position where I will be hurt or rejected again, so still undecided...but it's nice to know that it can work out for some people who take a break and then go back.

 

[juggler]

jess_trustno1, this is my first post..thank you for sharing your situation and how brave you are. My heart goes out to all who are dealing with estrangement (or are considering estrangement) from abusive families. I'm with you. I left. I just want to offer my support, i know how terribly painful and confusing it all is. I have found it very hard to find anyone who understands. I understand. Please take care!