Shame Of Telling Rapes

[Coradiam]

Hello,

I'd like to have an advice about how to overcome Shame and decency in order to tell details of my rapes to my therapist? I have been in sessions for quiet a long time and although I can talk about others exactions/violences/tortures, as soon as it comes to sexual acts, I'm frozen and cannot say.

Any advice welcome please, as we are stucked and cannot progress if I keep shuting up about thoses issues.

Thanks a lot,

Coradiam

 

[Thematrix]

Hi.do you like this therapist and do you trust them? The therapist should be approaching this with you at your pace

I know that putting the blame were it rightly belongs is helpful. Meaning the blame and shame is not yours. It is the perpetrators

 

[rosey]

How about writing it and emailing over before the session. I found this helped i knew going in that she already knows the details so might as well say it.

 

[Silver.]

Sometimes when something is really hard to talk about with my therapist (T), I email her ahead of time. That way she can read what I have to say, and prepare questions and discussion notes if she needs to. It also lets me work out if there are things regarding my issue that I want to talk about as well. Then when I go into session, it's a bit easier because she is already prepared.
Is this something that you could do?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Coradiam, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You're very brave to be in therapy and to be reaching out here in this online community! I'm sure many, if not most, of us have suffered with shame and other painful emotions and negative thinking about ourselves that keeps us silent and shut down. I know I can relate. After more than 30 years and lots of therapy, this is the most I've opened up about "the details."

I seek a lot of reassurance from the few people I do open up to that they won't reject me or think I'm sick, or that I'm exaggerating, or just be horrified and overwhelmed themselves. I have found that sometimes, talking about my fears and feelings, *before* talking about "the thing" itself, is helpful. Have you talked about your feelings of shame to your T? Could you say something like, "I want help and I want to open up to you, but I feel such terrible shame when it comes to the rapes, that I shut down and can't imagine telling you about them. I need your help to deal with these painful feelings." ??

I've spent months in t talking about shame itself, and talking *around* what has actually happened to me, what I had to do to survive, and only recently started to get into a little more detail. Identifying exactly what I'm ashamed about, what I'm afraid of, and then testing those facts (eg, my T is actually very compassionate and non-judgmental, and would probably not be shocked by some of what I have to tell her), AND learning distress tolerance skills, had been very helpful. Knowing that my T will not think any less of me, will not be horrified or shocked (sad and angry on my behalf, probably), AND knowing that I can survive feeling devastating shame and self-loathing, and that those feelings will pass, has been helping me.

Starting small and taking baby steps is important, too. I'm working on self-compassion, and challenging those negative thoughts, but that is much harder and slower.

Good luck, Coradiam, and take good care of yourself! Here's a hug if you accept them:hug:

 

[Friday]

In my experience, this is one area that groups of people help. Because there are usually a few individuals who have no problem discussing any detail, and once that ice is broken? Everyone starts talking. Or almost everyone.

Ie been on both sides on this one. There are areas in my life that I can talk about, in very intimate detail (those few individuals) with neither shame nor hesitation. There are also areas in my life that I can only talk about if everyone else is, and areas that :speechless: Doesn't matter how much everyone else is talking... I. Am. Not. Going. To. But that one there, is more of a decision, and less I want to + can't.

 

[Ronin]

I'd like to have an advice about how to overcome Shame and decency in order to tell details of my rapes to my therapist?

She probably heard it all a thousand times before, or variations of.

If she hasn't; she'll learn from how you interact with her & apply it later, so you're helping others that will come to her with the very same issue.

In every case, there is nothing shameful about what you came through, just because it happened to be sexualized.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

this is one area that groups of people help

Good point!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

If she hasn't; she'll learn from how you interact with her & apply it later, so you're helping others that will come to her with the very same issue.

Also a really good point! l don't want to take over this thread, but my T is a post doc, and so this is a good way for me to frame some of my own reluctance.

 

[Sherry]

Hi Coradiam. I also had extreme difficulty speaking about being raped. I simply could not vocalise the experience, or indeed even the word. I would just shut down. In the end my therapist asked me to go home and write everything down for her, and we went from there. Then during exposure therapy she would read what I had written. Eventually I was able to read it myself. I totally understand your difficulty. Rest assured that it does become easier though.

 

[katz]

Hello,

I'd like to have an advice about how to overcome.

How long have you been with this T?
I would like to think that they would know you well enough to help you along with getting past this.

 

[Mr Man]

I’m so sorry you had to endure this trauma. Writing it down before hand is a good tip, but also I found repeating over and over to myself there is not shame helps. The truth of the matter is the rapist should hold the guilt, it’s enshrined in law. But knowing this consciously isn’t enough, which is where the repetition comes in, it should make the conscious thought become intuitive and easy the anxiety. Also remind yourself that your Therapist will have heard this many times before, and is trained to respond appropriately. I know that PTSD makes it hard for us to trust, but if this Therapist didn’t react appropriately it could cost them their licence. We have to trust in someone. Best of luck.