Should I inform my family?

[SJG]

Hi all,

I'm a new member, I apologize if this has been discussed before, I couldn't find an answer to my question yet so I thought I'd ask you myself.

I just found out my mom, who has been suffering mental illnesses for all her life, has suffered sexual abuse from my grandfather for years as a child. I plan to inform my grandparents I never want to talk to them or see them again next week. This includes my grandmother, who has known about it all those years.

The problem is: my mother has a younger brother, my uncle, who I love very much. He has 3 kids and I love them to pieces. He, my aunt and my 3 cousins are still very close with my grandparents and I am very sure they have no clue what happened all those years ago.

Now, I am very scared that when I will cut ties with my grandparents, my uncle and aunt will start asking questions to me why I did this and will get angry with me if I dont have any 'logical' reason for it. I'm really conflicted as to if I should be telling the truth to my uncle and aunt. On the one hand, I think they should know what horrible people my grandparents are and have been all this time. They deserve to be exposed and I hope they will then lose contact with my uncle and aunt as well (though this might also be my angry side talking!). On the other hand, if I tell them, it will have such a huge impact on them. It might change all the good memories my uncle has from his own youth, it will cause my cousins to lose their grandparents, etcetera etcetera.

In conclusion: I have no idea what I should do. I am very curious to hear what an outsider thinks is the best thing to do: be honest, break open all those lies that have been around for 50 years? Or keep quiet and probably lose contact with my aunt and uncle? I hope to hear people's honest opinion, even if it might not be nice to hear, I honestly want to know what's the best way to go around this, because I feel like I cant make this decision since I'm too 'deep in it'.

Sorry for the long read, and thank you so much for anyone who might reply!

 

[Invisible Fire]

In my opinion it is not your place to tell anyone what happened to your mom. It is your moms story and it is hers to share.

 

[LuckiLee]

I can understand your anger and why you would want to cut contact with your grandparents. Makes perfect sense.

However I feel it should be your Mother's decision to share if she wants to. If she wanted people to know she would have talked about it already.

This isn't about you. (Unless grandpa hurt you too) and I think you should discuss this with mom first or you could damage the relationship you have with her.

I wanted to share with my guy's family about certain things so I came here and asked the people here what I should do and 100% of the comments said "don't do it"!!! It's his decision.

Good luck!

 

[somerandomguy]

I plan to inform my grandparents I never want to talk to them or see them again next week.

Do you have to do this? Can't you just not ever see them again without informing them? Seems like needless drama to me.

 

[Friday]

Now, I am very scared that when I will cut ties with my grandparents, my uncle and aunt will start asking questions to me why I did this and will get angry with me if I dont have any 'logical' reason for it. I'm really conflicted as to if I should be telling the truth to my uncle and aunt. On the one hand, I think they should know what horrible people my grandparents are and have been all this time. They deserve to be exposed and I hope they will then lose contact with my uncle and aunt as well (though this might also be my angry side talking!). On the other hand, if I tell them, it will have such a huge impact on them. It might change all the good memories my uncle has from his own youth, it will cause my cousins to lose their grandparents, etcetera etcetera.

Fear let’s us know something is a possibility. How much of a probability it is? Is a different question. Emotions don’t logic so hot. So once I realize I’m afraid of something? I run those things up from my heart to my mind. So let’s break it down.

- Aunt & Uncle asking why. Both probable and understandable. You’d want to know why if they did the same thing, right?

- Aunt & Uncle will get angry with me. Possible. How possible depends on what kind of people they are. Do they usually get angry at people? If so what does that entail? (What does “angry” look like on them?).

- WHAT would they be most angry about? You cutting contact? You not keeping a family “secret”? ...Conversely... You NOT telling them vital information about someone they bring their kids around? (You assume they know, but pedophiles often have such strong types that they only rape the boys not the girls, or only rape the girls not the boys, etc...and the other group? Is clueless. They have no idea why their brother/sister hates the person that -in their life- has been nothing but wonderful to them. Ditto, many just target one person at a time so sister A is raped for 10 years but sister B is just doted on and clueless as to WTF is wrong with sister A).

(You might want to know here, that I 100% cut off contact with both my in-laws AND everyone who knew my in-laws were pedophiles and didn’t tell me. I brought MY CHILD around predators and no one bothers to say boo? f*ck them. We were officially done as of that moment. I came within a hairsbredth of divorcing my husband on the spot, too. He talked me out of it by the smallest of margins, but no one else stood a chance of EVER having me -or my son- in their lives again. So while I realize you’re afraid of never seeing your cousins again if you DO tell, you might want to know there are also a lot of people like me out in the world, who would never have a thing to do with you -nor let you around my kids- if you DID NOT tell.)

^^^ This ^^^ is less of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t, great another something to be afraid of! thing to put in your lap... and more? Do what YOU feel is right, and there will be people who love you for it & people who hate you for it. Personally? I’d rather be hated for doing what I feel is right, than loved for doing something I felt was wrong. And when I’m loved for doing what’s right? I know I’ve found “my” people. But that’s me.

- Cutting contact with a pedophile not being logical.... IS illogical. It’s normal to refuse to have anything to do with someone who rapes kids. If they think that it’s logical to protect a pedophile that’s their problem. Not yours.

- It might change the good memories your uncle has on his childhood. It might. It also might not. Whether he knows, doesn’t know, believes you, or thinks your mom is delusional. Those are his memories. It’s not your job to protect his memories... even though I very much understand the impulse, being a card carrying member of the control freaks club, myself. I have to work reeeeeally hard to “allow” other people to make their own decisions & be responsible for themselves & not attempt to manipulate them into doing what I think is best for them. That’s their decision, how to handle their thoughts/feelings/memories/actions. Not mine. Or at least, it should be their decision. I TRY and look at is as a gesture of respect, if not trust. I may not trust someone enough to decide for themselves what is best in their own lives, but I can at least show them the respect of “letting” ;) them decide for themselves.

- It might cut off your cousins from their grandparents. (Meant kindly, because I know you love them) ...You’re not their parents. You have no right to decide for someone else’s child what’s best for them. If they decide their don’t want their kids around someone who rapes kids? That’s not an insane thing to do. It IS a bit insane to knowingly bring your child around a pedophile. You can digitally rape a baby by shoving your fingers inside them through the leg hole in their diaper -as you hold them 2 feet away from their parents in plane view and all -it looks like is baby is hungry, sleepy, needs a diaper change, etc. Much less having an real time (5 minutes is enough, much less hours and overnights) alone with a child. Ditto? There’s really nothing you can do to keep your cousins away from their grandparents if their parents decide your mom is lying. You can report them to CPS, but unless you’re a cop, teacher, or doctor CPS won’t even investigate until there are multiple (often dozens) of repeated reports by unrelated parties (doesn’t matter if 1 person calls 50 times, 5 people need to call once for there to be justification to investigate). Which, by the by? You can rest assured that if you call AND cps sends someone? You were the “last” person to call. Not the first.

***

I hope any/some of this helps at all. Clearly, this is me running emotions through my logic filter... your own may have different answers. And that’s okay. Your heart, your mind. We all think/feel differently.

I do know you’re in a HARD position... because I’ve been there. It’s one of those things that seems simple until you’re the one dealing with it, and then it’s just like OMFG :eek: as all the things you ever thought you “would” do, run into the reality of “what am I going to do???” and it’s just like a train wreck in your head/heart. That’s okay. Ditto, it’s olay to do the “wrong” thing. In quotes because you won’t know it’s the wrong thing until you don’t like what you did, and choose differently. You haven’t been in this situation before, so you’re learning. These days? I know exactly what I “would” do (and it’s fairly easy for me, unlike the first few times) because I already DID it. And lived with those consequences. And did it again, the next time somewhat differently (or correct my actions, if possible the first time). And again. And again. Until I know what I need to do, for ME, when I’m in this situation. It’s okay that you don’t know what to do, and are trying to figure out what’s right. It’s okay to choose the best you know how, realize you were wrong, and choose differently. That’s how we learn. Mistakes happen, or we get lucky. Either way? We learn. This is new to you. The only reeeeeeally wrong thing, IME? Is to do nothing. As in neither choose to act NOR choose not to act but just pretend nothing is happening that needs a decision. You’re not doing that. So you’re already doing the best you know how.

 

[Ronin]

my uncle and aunt will start asking questions to me why I did this and will get angry with me if I dont have any 'logical' reason for it.

You know often people, even no abuse and similar grave reasons involved, just cut ties... no word given, and life goes on, right?

You do not owe the reason.
Though agreed with above, something like this? Id be furious not being told.
Beyond furious if someone in my care / who it would influence, is involved.

But others emotions, anger & else, is also not really on you, that is theirs to own, not your concern.

So prioritize:
Who needs protection, because cannot protect themselves? (The kids. period.)
Who do you owe protection, because of love, loyalty, the like? (The kids on various scales. Your mom depending your relation /and/ because she was already victimized *and* because a mental illness she sounds like suffering tremendeously.)
Who would be nice to protect if it could be, but might hazard out the others? (The aunt & uncle with the grandmother, where I am standing.) // &
What protects them? Because ability to take care of THEIR kids well, does. The ability to decide not taken away from them, by lies & omissions.
Who do you absolutely need not protect, as others need be safe from him? (a child raping asshole.)

Things like that.
Your answers may differ, but still, screw what the social mores & keeping in graces with families should be.

Because illegal & immoral choices do not *rate* protection.
Social much less any other.

Covering dirty business is not keeing the peace.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not your story to tell.

BUUUUUUUT

kids need to be protected.

Kids win, hands down.

Rake me over the coals if you must.

 

[LuckiLee]

If anything I would confront the pedophile. If he's actively hurting your cousins I'd report it to the authorities. I agree with Eve. Kids win. Hands down.

If everyone is safe it's up to your Mom to decide.

 

[Sideways]

Have you spoken to your mum about this?

You cutting ties is your prerogative. But forget the uncle for a moment - has mum cut ties with them? If she’s chosen to continue a relationship with them, for whatever reason, that is going to potentially going to make her situation really complicated.

If you think your grandfather is a genuine risk to your neices/nephews etc, then there’s an obligation to report that in a lot of places.

A showdown between you and your grandparents though? Don’t see what that accomplishes for anyone other than you and your outrage.

And while yes, this must be tough on you, is that confrontation what your mum wants? Because whatever her plan is to keep being a survivor, is her choice. And being supportive to her doesn’t necessarily mean confrontation.

Lots of people choose to preserve a semblance of family dynamic, because cutting ties has a lot of fallout, eith everyone connected to the family. They’re often left in a position where they have to choose sides in something they don’t understand.

Your mum could easily become ostracised by people she still wants a relationship with if you follow through with a confrontation. She may be subjected to renewed harassment. That’d be reasonably common.

You can definitely choose to stop having any involvement with your grandparents for your own sake. But personally? I’d discuss it with mum before confronting him, because that could lead to multiple scenarios involving her being retraumatised.

Does she have the support she needs with her mental health currently?

 

[blackemerald1]

I just found out my mom, who has been suffering mental illnesses for all her life, has suffered sexual abuse from my grandfather for years as a child.

^How have you found this information out? You don't need to answer here but you do need to consider the source. Is it true? Is it reliable?

This includes my grandmother, who has known about it all those years

^Again, the source of this information. It is extremely difficult to ascertain who knows what. Don't take it for granted that people know stuff.

I am very sure they have no clue what happened all those years ago.

^Being very sure isn't knowing. Big difference.

If I was you, before you go speaking to your grandparents about what you've been told. I would speak to the victim, your mother and verify all of it.

Then I would speak to your Uncle.

As for speaking to your grandparents about this... idk... why? What do you think you could say that is going to make any difference?

 

[Justmehere]

You have a good heart to want to protect your mom.

I just found out my mom, who has been suffering mental illnesses for all her life, has suffered sexual abuse from my grandfather for years as a child. I plan to inform my grandparents I never want to talk to them or see them again next week. This includes my grandmother, who has known about it all those years.

How do you plan to inform them? In person, by letter, etc?

The problem is: my mother has a younger brother, my uncle, who I love very much. He has 3 kids and I love them to pieces. He, my aunt and my 3 cousins are still very close with my grandparents and I am very sure they have no clue what haprpened all those years ago.

Very sure? It is possible they are holding the family secret too.

This is your mother's story to tell. Not yours. The ONLY thing that gives me pause is the kiddos being around an accused pedo... but even then, if you told the authorities, they would very likely contact your mother and get her report. Is she willing and able to do that? Is she ready to face your uncle and aunt coming to her about all of this? Is she ready for the fallout?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I had this same issue. Not my abuse but was cutting ties with a family member because of another's abuse and there were other family with chilren asking me why I cut ties. I said exactly this "go talk to [XYZ family member] as to why I am cutting ties but I would keep your children away from [XYZ abuser] for their own saftey". When they pressed me more, I just repeated "go talk with [XYZ family member] about it". So this would be your mom. Tell them to go talk to your mom about it but you would keep their children away from your grandfather for their own saftey. If they press you more, just say "go talk to my mom about it. I cannot tell you anymore then that".

I personally didn't wait for the family members to start asking questions. Anyone close to the abuser with children I warned in that manner. I also spoke with the family member that was abused first to advise I would be doing this and that way they were ready for when questions came their way. In my case, they were ok with it but if your mom isn't ok with it just tell her you are worried about your cousins and will only be warning to keep their children away for saftey but won't be telling them why (because its hers to tell, not yours) and that if she doesn't want to tell them, or anyone else, she doesn't have to. Ensure her that you won't be telling a soul though. Because there is nothing worse then to confess abuse to someone then they go blab that to the entire family and close friends to the family. Been there, done that. Its how my entire family knows about my abuse and its why none of them talk to me anymore (they don't believe it) and that was horrid that someone did that to me so I wouldn't do that. You can advise about keeping the children safe without advising anyone of her abuse.