Should I Keep The Old Therapist Out Of My New Therapy?

[Sandstone]

I've just given up on my old NHS therapist, after a year of what feels like no progress, no structure, complete confusion and frequent conflict. Old T often complained that we spent too much time talking about our relationship, and I often complained that we didn't speak the same language and never worked on my trauma.

I've found a new therapist, who is private, and I have great hopes of her. She works some of her time with a well recognised Trauma centre, and seems from the phone chat we had to be clear, direct and appropriately humorous. I've been trying to think of what I want to ask and to tell her in our first session tomorrow, but so much of what is on my mind is a long drawn out complaint about the old T.

I went into therapy a year ago in a fairly bad way, but full of hope that I could work on this and become the person I was meant to be. Over the 12 months, my sights lowered to just finding a way to function. I never got to grips with any tools I could use, and whenever I asked questions or said something didn't seem to make sense, she just moved on to something new. There was never a chance to explore or to consolidate, and mostly I was just confused. It took me two or three days to recover from each session, and I always woke at 2am on the day of therapy.

How much of this should I share with the new T? My aims are different as a result of the last year. I think I want a coach or trainer who will help me develop coping techniques more than anything right now, although I do also want to attack the sources of my PTSD too. I am clear that if I experience the same problems again, then I have to recognise that it's more likely to be my fault, and that it will indicate areas I need (help) to work on.

But I don't want to use the whole time talking about what went wrong. Any suggestions on how to approach this?

(Also, is there likely to be a problem because new T treated a family member 17 years ago? In a small rural town like this it must be quite common. I was planning not to raise it, but realise it is going to come up at some stage and don't want to start out by lying)

 

[Leah123]

Hello. I recommend sharing it all with your prospective new therapist, if not all in the first session, in the first few, along with your prior condensed history and goals. It will give her great insight into how to work with you and your struggles. I would be surprised for it to be an issue that the therapist treated a family member so long ago, but I'd mention it in the first session, should take two minutes to resolve one way or the other. Best of luck with a new therapist, sounds like you have excellent insight into what you want to accomplish.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't advocate telling your new therapist everything as you don't want to give the impression that you're a difficult client. I think it's ok to bring up some of it so you can move forward in a new direction, but I advise being careful with your words so that it doesn't look like you're just bad mouthing the ex-therapist.

I told my new therapist very little about my old therapist because I didn't want her to get a bad impression of me. I wanted her to form her own independent opinions. (Everything was fine with my last therapist up until my last session and sudden termination.)

But, every situation is different and I wish you the best.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with SOL. Letting her form her own opinions is a good idea.

Your first session is mostly going to be about why you are there, your history and what your goals of being there are. Be honest there. I would say things like 'I want a better quality of life.'

Keep in mind you are also 'interviewing' her. Also keep in mind that maybe after a few sessions you might not like her so think of the first few as a 'probation' period of if you want to hire her or not. Employers do this and employers also don't want to get in deep until after they know you. I think the same is good here. Your ideas may be completely different from hers.

That's just how I think of it.

Best wishes with your new therapist.

 

[Sandstone]

you don't want to give the impression that you're a difficult client.

I advise being careful with your words so that it doesn't look like you're just bad mouthing the ex-therapist.

Yes, both of these are exactly my fears. I'm certainly left with the impression from old T that I'm difficult. I think that it's much more that my mind doesn't seem to work along the same lines as most people's, and I told old T that right from the start.

 

[ms spock]

I would write a list of what you want to achieve. I would talk about how you want to set goals in your healing and recovery.

I would suggest that you would like to set some goals such as working on stabilizing your life and build a box of tools to manage your PTSD with a view to working on your trauma in the long run.

You could ask if this new T has a structure she would suggest for you.

I wouldn't talk about your old T at all for awhile. I would focus on what you want and what you need. I would list the tools you would like to develop. Focus on what you hope to get out of therapy.

Ask about how you can get clarity about developing these tools, what steps you need to take, how you will break down these new skills in therapy and so forth.

 

[Sandstone]

An update - after four sessions, I'm not sure where we are going, but I finally understand why people on here like their therapists and even look forward to seeing them. I don't feel the need to have detailed plan, it's like setting out on a journey where someone else has the map. I'm curious to see where we go first.

I realised yesterday that statements that sounded like a critical attack from old T come over as compassionate observations from new T. I don't feel the need to defend myself all the time, instead I can think "Yes, that's true." and risk thinking around the idea.

Finally, it's OK for me to say that something doesn't make sense. This week, new T started to talk about how I had immediately blamed myself for something that happened and I knew that just didn't fit, but didn't know what the actual problem was. Because I could say so, she could very quickly ask a couple more questions and identify that I was expecting to be rejected over the event. Then that DID make sense, and I could see how it tied into many past events. If I told old T it didn't make sense she would have explained again that I was blaming myself, and if I persisted she would have sighed and said " No, it never does make sense does it?"

I only regret not sticking to my belief that there was a communication gap with old T and insisting on a change sooner. At least I know I gave it my best try, but I wonder if I could have escaped my current horrible low if I'd moved on sooner.

 

[ms spock]

Hey stenni,

You made the change. Don't be hard on yourself for taking time to make the change. You were working it out. It takes time.

I am so pleased you got a good therapist. Great stuff!

 

[Hashi]

I'm so glad you're having a good experience with your new therapist. I think it's really important that therapy feels like we have a partner, making the journey with us, rather than yet another difficult thing we have to find our way through.

I only regret not sticking to my belief that there was a communication gap with old T and insisting on a change sooner. At least I know I gave it my best try, but I wonder if I could have escaped my current horrible low if I'd moved on sooner.

That's a difficult one, and understandable to be thinking that, but please don't be hard on yourself. All you can do is learn from it, and it sounds like you're very clear now about what you want from therapy and the therapist. At least, you'll never need to wonder if you could have tried harder. I'm sorry it took so much out of you, but it sounds like things are much more hopeful now and I'm glad you've found a therapist who feels right for you.

 

[Sandstone]

At least the bad experience has enabled me to appreciate the good now I've found it

 

[ms spock]

That is a really great way to reframe and refocus on the good stuff you have in this now stenni. Impressive thinking and cognition.

 

[ombm]

I started seeing a new therapist 6 months ago after being suddenly terminated by a therapist I had been seeing for 2.5 years. The therapeutic relationship with my last therapist was not right. She often shut down my feelings causing me to dissociate. I think that therapeutic relationship was the victim if my transference and befriends and her growing a brain tumor. Whatever happened there, I was very affected by it. I think that relationship was very traumatizing for me. My new therapist and I have had to spend quite a bit of time processing that relationship. I don't think that this makes me look like a difficult client. I think it shows that things can go very wrong in therapy sometimes.