Should I Tell?

[shiraz]

The only person who knows that I have PTSD is my fiance. I am wondering if I should just let everyone in my life know about the 'state of things' or just keep up the pretense? What did you do? Did you go out and tell everyone? Did you only tell a few people? If you were around people who didn't know and you had symptoms ... did you just hide them till you could get away?

From the perspective of my family, I have changed from the shy obliging introvert I used to be - I am more abrupt with my family and display significant anger around them quite often ... not a bad thing and I try to avoid them as much as possible.
From the perspective of my soon to be in-laws, I have changed from the sweet, shy and kind introvert they first met to someone who seems suspicious and aloof and probably dislikes them and keeps their brother away from them ... I would love them to know that none of that is true.

My fiance says don't tell - they can't handle it and they will only judge you and talk behind your back ... I am not convinced, they are probably already talking and I am not so worried about what they have to say, as long as it is well informed.

It would help me for them to know ... but would it help them to know?

If you have some experience or advice to give ... all perspectives most welcomed!

 

[midi]

I got by gut instinct (or try to). Some people can take it, others, they run away. Some accept it, but expect you to get over it by the end of the day. Go by how you feel, I'd say--and if it still falls flat, then know that you chose the best approach at the time. Even close friends can be hard to guage. I lost one friend because she coudln't cope with the fact that I couldn't cope, and my talking brought up things she'd suffered and buried long ago. Opening is healing, but for some, it isn't the right time, so they will flee. I have one friend I only see every 3 or 4 months and she's a corrections officer, so she's more open to the reality that PTSD doesn't go away over night. Another friend, the only one I see at least once a week, I waited and waited - in fact, I didn't start opening up to her until a few days ago--because she can only handle her own view. One colleague was there when I found out--she was actually witness to some of the trauma, and she has the view that I will never recover--but at least she acknowledges it.

So all this rambling is saying, people's reactions can be unpredictable. It sounds like your fiance wants to protect you from hurtful reactions. Whether it helps others to know--that's a really good question. Maybe keep it in mind before you open up.

 

[Riggs413]

Tough question with (IMHO) no right answers. As Midi said, each person in your life will react differently to being told.

My own experiences have resulted in my still being conflicted as to the reactions of others.

My best friend who "gets it", is on his way to Afghanistan for a one year tour and bless his soul has asked that I make sure to stay in touch as he will need my help over there. I think he is full of crap but I love him for still making me feel important.

My ex co-workers that I told (just two of them) were no different than the ones that didn't know, with their gossip and stupidity.

Family is a particularly tough one to judge. Mom was okay, but she just wants her old son back. Siblings were idiots and have no contact with them.

Even my DW has trouble with my PTSD some days, so I expect most everyone will react negatively to the news.

Even when you try and explain PTSD to those that do not suffer from it, they don't get it and how can they? Even an informed gossip is still a gossip and that doesn't say that they will understand PTSD even then Shiraz.

Having said all of that....who the hell knows...except you, as to what you should do.

 

[Tinyflame]

shiraz, I have to agree - in the end it has to be YOUR decision. I have to say from my experience, however, you have mentioned your family/ in-laws: I may be wrong but I (were it me), would be "hoping" that this would help inform them and therefore "clarify" your new response/ convince them (inlaws) that you don't dislike them, etc. However, I would say that that is a BIG hope because, for one thing, people can't get "educated" overnight, they do bring forward their own biases and issues, etc., and they have to even be willing to want to find out more. Also, ptsd seems to have more "questions" than "answers".

I believe that when your fiance says what he does, that you should listen to his opinion as he knows his family best.

I told one person (sort of), and I regretted it. I did expect/hope them to be kind, wise etc. (that is my impression of them) - and I still regretted it, and I think they did too. What I really mean is that you have to be prepared for how you (and they) might react/feel, and that can be pretty challenging to deal with too.
What I found helpful (after the fact) was reading through the threads, especially on stigmatizing labels and relationships/family- the responses can run the gammut. It seems that when (some) people hear that info they kind of right you off as sometimes almost less than human, or certainly incapable of analytical/logical thought. I think it's a pretty good guestimate that they (some) will (originally, at least) see virtually everything about you through "ptsd glasses". (Meanwhile, some things are just "human", if you ask me!)

(Sorry this is so long!) Bear in mind too my response may be colored I'm sure to some degree by my own issues, but I do know what you mean by a "facade" (I SURE do.)

One thing that can be said for sure is that your fiance knows- that's what counts. You can always "ease" the others in at a later time,too, that's another option.

Good luck! You will make the right decision for you.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I would keep it to myself if I were you. I only just started telling people about a year and a half ago in order for them to understand the reason I am the way I am.

My co-workers seen it as an excuse to get attention and to miss work. I told my SIL and she used it against me by basically calling me mentally ill when we disagreed. She said because I'm sick I see green while everyone else sees blue. Not so, I can see through BS.

I believe she told some of her other family members because her brother made fun of me once, but played it off as a joke. I was standing in the living room and I thought I heard some one call my name and I said, "Did some one say my name?" He said, "Oh your hearing voices again?"

It's crap like that which causes me to say don't do it especially if your fiance already told you not to. Some people who have dealt with the experience first hand, be it themselves or a close family member will be accepting, but those who haven't will try to make you look and feel bad. That is the last thing you need right now.

Take care
T~

 

[jmez017]

I would go with what you feel is most comfortable for you and what your gut is saying to do... in my case very few people know and it is killing me because I really could use some help because I am going through this all alone

 

[Ironangel]

I would go with what you feel is most comfortable for you and what your gut is saying to do... in my case very few people know and it is killing me because I really could use some help because I am going through this all alone

That is the case with me as well. The very few people who DO know, make the comments in the thread on "what Not to say..."

I could use someone besides my therapist to talk to and not feel so alone.

 

[Auburngirl]

I've told about a handfull of people - it took me a long time and each one was agonising, and I panicked and wondered if I'd done the right thing after. Some people have been more 'useful' as sources of support than others, but really generally people have been great. I sometimes worry about what they think of me now, and am embarassed by some of them having seen me in a bad state, and feel some of them don't 'get it', but largely I don't feel my friendships have changed substantially as a result or that my identity has become subsumed by PTSD.

That said, I haven't told anyone in my family or anyone who would have implications on my prospects for employment. I'm just too scared on the second front and, on the first I don't want people to feel they have to worry about me or look after me.

Like others have said, it's really your call. But it is nice to have someone who knows, who you can just have a normal conversation with and don't have to hide everything (even being able to say, I'm having an off day and don't feel like being around people, or I had nightmares last night so I'm tired, just makes the whole experience a bit less isolating).

 

[ladybug08]

I would not tell them. It would only add fuel to the fire. You would not believe in how ignorant people can be about mental disorders. Some see it as being weak minded, but it is not. You had something happened to you, and you reacted normally to an abnormal event or events.

 

[cyndi]

I have found most of the people I told were not the right choices to tell. I'd say 99% don't get it and you end up isolated more for having told them. Sometimes I think I tell people to do just that. It is hard to feel close to people who don't understand. Mostly people who have been through a lot of trauma are the ones that understand, at least a bit but even then it takes a lot of explaining and may bring some stuff up for them they don't want to face, next thing I know, 'poof' another friend gone. I do wish people would have the balls to say the truth before they disappeared. Not everyone is into healing like we are and have the research, therapy that we do on mental health. Strange to say, but because I was a painting major and have 'artist' persona, I can pull it off I think better. The whole 'mysterious, misunderstood artist' thing. lol If I pulled it off just so, I could probably sell more artwork but I have no interest in all the social stuff that go with that crowd.

 

[shiraz]

Thank You For The Replies

A really BIG thank you to all of you for the advice, you have given me much to think about. I certainly take everyones perspective and experience into account and will give this some deep thought - probably for quite some time - before telling anyone about the 'state of things'.

You have all been incredibly helpful
:Hug_emoticon: