Should I?

[desiderata310]

I'm trying. I really am. The periods of wanting to die are getting harder and the peroid of being sort of ok are getting shorter.
I don't know what to do.
I've started an email and a text to my therapist a couple of times but I don't know what to say.
"Hey, T, I'm feeling suicidal"?
or maybe
"I'm thinking it may be time to kill myself but I need a plan"?
Maybe go for a little gallows humor?
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't bother. I mean, he knows. He said he knew this morning. So I don't text or email, right?
He said to me as I was leaving that he knew that I would 'find my way through it'
I'm not ok. I shouldn't say anything.
I don't know what to say to him anyway.

 

[Friday]

Highlight
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Send.

What you just wrote.

When you're not okay is when you should say something.

When you don't know what to say, that's when they help you find the words. Until then, not knowing what to say? Just say that. Copy & paste what you wrote here & send it. Let him help you.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I wonder which death is worse, the one where you physically leave this world, or the one where you are forced to stay in this world.

But yes, your sorrow needs to be shared with your therapist, depending whether or not you believe that real help originates from a therapist can be a double edged sword too.

Ah, the wonderful world of PTSD, never a dull moment, just plenty of painful ones.

The only thing that keeps many of us alive anyways is the fact that somehow perhaps we can help other people in the same situations, that is one positive.

 

[Sammyiam]

@FridayJones gee your awesome you always know just what to say !!!!

I agree with Friday jones, just write down your thoughts even if they don't make sense, just write what you feel. I did this a couple of weeks ago to my therapist I just sat there and said I'm sorry I'm writing to you but I just need to say some things so I'm going to just write and not check it just write what I am feeling that you for reading this.
I wrote and wrote and then just pushed send, when I seen her the following week she said it was great and to write to her anytime I wanted to. I cannot even remember what I wrote to her but it felt good just to let it out and not worry about spelling or checking just writing and writing.

I hope you can write to your therapist it will help you loads

Take care

Sammy

 

[scout86]

He said to me as I was leaving that he knew that I would 'find my way through it'

If he said that he "knew", I think he misspoke. No one can KNOW something like that.

"I'm thinking it may be time to kill myself but I need a plan"?

I kind of like that one, and might store it for future reference.

Do you, the 2 of you, have a plan for how you're "supposed" to handle these situations? You shouldn't have to handle it alone.

 

[desiderata310]

No @scout86

 

[Justmehere]

Safety plans are key. I agree with what others have said. Not everyone just males it through without increased support - and it sounds like that is what you need.

Tell him any way that you can. Tell him 47 times if you have to, if that is what it takes for him to wake up and see that help is needed to get through this. And if 47 times doesn't work, tell him a 48th time.

It is very ok to need help to handle how much pain you are in.

I went through a period of time where the times I was ok kept getting shorter and shorter. I eventually pulled out all the stops and made it clear just how and things were and I got intensive support. It changed my life. Now the good times get longer and longer and longer. I feel so much more human. It was so hard to tell my kind and hard working therapist this isn't working well enough for me... And I'm glad I did. It was better than dying and the impact that would have had on her and so many other people.

 

[Casper1018]

I have a suicide plan my T made me make awhile back; things I could do on my own to cope, people I could talk to, crisis line numbers, and lastly contacting her. She wanted me to utilize internal/outside support networks rather than turning to her in a crisis. I try doing those things but when they fail or I can't get the courage to tell her I'm flg suicidal or self destructive, I just resend our contract, so she knows without me having to "tell" her and it opens up the lines of communication, which helps.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm trying. I really am.

I know you are. You are really struggling right now, and I am so very sorry this is how you feel. I found for myself when I went through this, and I went through it several times, that it was a portion of the trauma I was working through that 'touched' on a need to die. I am more of a passive dier, if that makes any sense at all. I would just wander into the elements and well -- lie there waiting to die. But the thing is, (and this hasn't happened for a couple of years now), I was working on a piece that had wanted to die somewhere in that pieces experience. Felt the need to die. Longed to. Sometimes it was because of the seemingly endless PTSD-ness experience. I mean really, they say it doesn't ever end. That has to be a trigger.

But the thing is, all of this work we do, all of this plugging forward, is not meant to eradicate the PTSD, it is meant, instead to help us understand and deal with the 'feelings'. If one of those feelings wasn't wanting to die, we most likely wouldn't have PTSD. It feels like this is going to last forever but honestly, it is just a piece of your trauma. A scary piece, yes, but it isn't the whole you. It may feel like it right now but it isn't.

 

[desiderata310]

When I listened to Pink Floyd over the years I always thought that the song "Comfortably Numb" was describing basically how I feel now. It was years before I realized they were referring to drug use. The pin prick? SH.
I don't know.
It's just hard to breathe
At least I don't feel much of anything right now. I'm afraid of toppling that apple cart. If it gets jostled...

 

[shimmerz]

I'm afraid of toppling that apple cart. If it gets jostled...

Which leads to extreme freeze. I have been there and it is not fun. I am so sorry desi. I am with you in spirit.

 

[scout86]

Did you ever try to contact your T like you were thinking of?