Should I?

[desiderata310]

I take trazadone for sleep. It's not helping any more

 

[shimmerz]

Goddam I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine how frustrating and hopeless this must all feel to you. Working on top of it all .... oyyyy. I am going to say it will pass, and that is going to sound really empty to you right now. I am with you in spirit. For all it is worth, it sounds like you are keeping it together pretty damn well all things considered.

 

[desiderata310]

Went to therapy this morning.
My therapist wanted me to go in-patient but I freaked out so much that he agreed that if I promised not to kill myself over the weekend he would set me up with a psychiatrist to get me on some meds so I can sleep. He wants me knocked out really- no dreaming, even
I"m so ashamed.
THe promise HURTS. I don't break promises.
This is horrible.

 

[shimmerz]

I am glad you don't break promises. Thank you for updating us. I think the idea of getting sleep is a really really good one. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

I probably shouldn't be writing right now since I am in such a dark place.
I'm scared. I've promised not to do anything over the weekend. I've never made a promise like that. I never make promises that I don't know I can keep. I don't KNOW I can keep this one.My therapist knows how I feel about promises. If I make a promise it's golden. It was the only way I could stay out of a hospital. Voluntary or involuntary. Though he did say that he REALLY didn't want to make me go involuntary since the only place close by would be more of traumatic.
At first he wasn't going to take my word siting that he felt I was smart enough to lie and say one thing to keep myself out of the hospital and DO something else. When I reminded him of my feelings about promises, he backed down and accepted it.

The problem with the inpatient place he wanted me to go- other than the fact that it was an inpatient ANYTHING- was that it's not PTSD specific. It is mostly a detox place.
The idea of being on a ward. ANY ward: locked or not, makes me desperate.
It seems that being in an out-patient setting has been something that has been discussed in depth with my insurance comapy for a while now. I grateful that this has not been forced on me. I know that it will be if the meds dont work.
I'm terrified right now.
I am supposed to be Manager on Duty tomorrow and Sunday at work. There's no one but my boss to cover for me. I have been simply calling in sick. I method is AT WORK which is one major reason I have stayed clear of work for the last couple of days.

I am such a failure. I've TRIED. The running helped some. I ran almost 7 yesterday. He wants me to go run again today. I'm a little afraid to do that and get stuck out where I can't get back in time for an appointment today if I get one.

HE said he knew that even the cutting wasn't working anymore. It helps a little.
I'm really scared. I'm so ashamed.
I was invited to serve on a city advisory board. I can't accept that position anymore. I don't know what to do.
I know I am babbling

 

[shimmerz]

When I reminded him of my feelings about promises, he backed down and accepted it.

I grateful that this has not been forced on me.

So then, he trusts you.

The running helped some

I have stayed clear of work for the last couple of days.

It helps a little.

I can see through all of this that you really are trying. And it sounds like you are making progress. Is there any way, I know you don't want to, that you can call in sick for work? Would working have you be more engaged or more stressed, do you know?
Idk, but it sounds like you are making progress.

 

[desiderata310]

I didn't go to work today or yesterday. I am supposed to work all weekend. That's out.
I can't be close to my method right now.
Waiting for an appointment. Failing that we talked about presenting at the ER for admittance for insomnia which sounds implausable but we talked about it and it gets me off the streets- so to speak, under supervision but not in a psychatric ward and meds to OMG sleep.
All of which is really f*cking ok with me right now if they will actually DO that .

 

[shimmerz]

I understand the hospital and clinic thing. Hospitals are not my favourite. However, if you can present as an insomniac and they can give you serious drugs to get you the sleep that you need, the world may look like a very different place when you wake up. It sounds like you guys came up with some really good plans. I am sorry to hear that you must go to work....it sounds like that is a stress and it would be if you haven't been sleeping.

 

[StellaBlue]

Sleep deprivation causes massive distorted thinking. Please take yourself to the hospital - either for insomnia or to go in-patient until you get some sleep. I can't tell you "things will get better" - but the lack of sleep is, at the very least, exacerbating your depression and suicidal ideation.

 

[desiderata310]

Oh dear god.
I don't KNOW that this is why.
But
My therapist wasn't able to get me in to see a psychatrist. I haven't heard from the Dr who suggested that I go to the hospital
I was checking to see what I could safely up my dose to tonight to try to sleep and I found this:

"The FDA has placed a black-box warning on trazodone, noting that taking the drug could increase the chance of becoming suicidal."
http://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/trazodone

Ummm...

 

[shimmerz]

It sounds like you are much clearer now. I am grateful for that. Honestly, I hate some of these drugs. Nice to know that this is a possible cause. I am going to say a highly possible cause. So glad you are clear enough to see the possible correlation.

 

[desiderata310]

I wasn't looking for it. it was the first thing that popped up on my screen as I was trying to figure out if I could up the dose.
I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY crazy and shaky and weepy right now. I don't know if this is what's the matter or not.