Pretty Hurts
Bronze Member
this is a tremendously long post, but i've been holding all of this in for so long because there is no one to talk to....please bear with me.
my bf and i have known eachother 20+ years (teens), lost touch and reconnected on social media 5 years ago. i've been divorced 10 years and he was engaged but it ended 3 years ago (she left him in an ugly way, no explanation) he did 15 years in the army. romantic interest began to develop around 2 years ago when he revealed that he'd admired me since we were teens. i was curious about him too and often would try to engage him in conversation, but he never said much and appeared to be shy or just not have much to say to me so no further interest developed. he said didn't want to step on anyone's toes because he thought i had a boyfriend back then. he's no longer shy, but quite introverted at times now. over the last 2 years we communicated a great deal, we shared alot filling in gaps of our lives, relationship histories, dreams, goals, discussed our common interests, desires for marriage and family, we both felt the other was a good match, but a long distance relationship was not ideal for either of us, so we remained very close friends. we'd talk about being together if we could be in the same place. the opportunity presented itself when he relocated to my city (our hometown) and we decided to cohabitate 4 months ago. it was very exciting and passionate, we were like 2 peas in a pod and spent all our time together getting reacquainted, bonding, meeting eachother's family, talked more about possibilities of settling down and children....eventually. our family and friends love us together....if either of us post a pic together it gets liked/commented100+ times, which was surprising and overwhelming....but no one knows what i'm living with, what i'm sleeping next to night after night...and it's scary because i know no one would even believe me. his behavior began to change little by little toward me and it's caused alot of anxiety for me, because i didn't expect this from him. i had some reservations about living together so quickly in the first place, this is not something i've ever done and i only attempted this because of our history and the love/admiration that developed. the more i would try to talk with him about my feelings, and get him to talk to me about his feelings the worse it got. naturally there was some crying and dramatic moments as i'm an emotional person and was mortified at the shift in behavior, i believe i unknowingly made it worse. he will just close up, not talk and appear very agitated if i ask him anything, but if i ask him to do something or tell him i need something he obliges, very little communication if any. i would be very confused and uneasy. at first i thought perhaps he was disappointed that i didn't have more going on for myself at this time. I internalized everything....my apartment is very tiny, i lost my ft job in jan due to some untreated medical issues that made it difficult to hold on to, so i was recieving unemployment while trying to figure out what i could do for work and awaiting approval for medicaid when he moved here. unemployment ran out eventually, so right now i work pt and go to alot of dr appts. the insurance from my previous job was just crappy with very high co-pays and the pay became crappier with budget/hours cuts so i couldn't afford to use it much, my health suffered....$50 dr visits, $100 follow up visits with specialists, $350 out of pocket for bloodwork that i need every quarter, i couldn't afford it. anyway, working pt right now allows me to keep insurance so i can get my health on track and move on to the things i'd like to accomplish in the near future. i'll be fine by the new year as long as i'm consistent. he doesn't show much interest in the blow by blow of any of my appts but i've gathered perhaps it's all too tedious for him now that i realize how ptsd looks up close and personal, i'm learning more about the avoidance (and even wondering if i may suffer with it as well, but that's another topic) but he ALWAYS makes sure i have a full tank, money for parking and to eat if i have to be out all day, or if he has to use the car that day, he's sure to meet me to go home together....he remains faithful, consistent and reliable.
he started school last month and is consumed with that, so i do give him space. but the rest of the time he just doesn't seem to want to be bothered at all, withdrawn or engaged in an online game he favors. but when he goes to the gym, he returns in a better mood and his tone is more pleasant and relaxed. the isolation really takes a toll on me emotionally and i'm constantly questioning if i'm just too needy or something, i don't think i am, but being isolated and shut out does leave me feeling like i'm not having a basic need met. i feel ignored and it makes me feel lonely. i avoid my friends a quite a bit because i just don't feel like talking about my unhappiness or lying about everything being alright either. they are all so happy for me, but none of them have experience with anything like this plus....they have their own challenges. i confided in my mother once because i just could not hold it in anymore, but i don't want to dump all of this on her and have her worrying about me, she's older.
pretty much he just stepped in and began paying most of the bills and when i tell him i need something he provides it. he fixes my car and makes sure we both have what we need at home. i accepted this because i trusted in our friendship that it was alright and his desire to help was genuine. i have always worked hard to provide for myself and done without whatever i could not afford, never accepted financial assistance from any man that i dated or showed interest in me...but with him i put my pride to the side and allowed myself to be vulnerable because he is a long term friend, and now the man in my life, i never asked....he just started asking about bills and what i need and took the lead. i've asked a couple times if his feelings have changed for me or if he's disappointed, he either says no or becomes irritated and asks why we have to have this conversation over and over. when i bring up the imbalance in our sharing of living expenses he assures me it's not a problem for him at all and says he's a man and this is what a man is supposed to do, provide and sacrifice to take care of his loved ones. he never leaves me needing anything but he's emotionally detached often, doesn't like to be touched much and refuses to kiss except on my forehead before he goes to school, won't accept physical affection, sometimes he can be very physically playful and we share laughter. i do believe he loves me and takes care of me because he wants to, he takes his role as the man being the provider/protector seriously and i do not believe he would waste time living with me or aquainting me with his family if he didn't love me....but having ptsd prevents him from connecting consistently on an emotional level and he will not seek treatment. he self medicates with alcohol in the evenings although he never appears to be wasted or out of control. to avoid the nightmares, he was deployed alot but won't speak of any of it to me....he was a drill sgt the last 5-6 years....from what i've learned they master manipulating people to break and rebuild. i sometimes fear the dramatic shift in behavior is a form of breaking to make me stronger to be able to stand by him in the future, because he's commented that i need to develop my mental toughness. he shows no signs of being violent with me ever, he treats me very gently but i've often wondered if his silence is his way of keeping his temper in check (remaining in control) and not scaring me away perhaps....maybe that's why the fiancee left?
having all of these questions and his inability or refusal to communicate effectively take my anxiety to a level 10. i don't like wondering and not being able to get answers.
i realize now that the loving emotionally fulfilling relationship i'd looked forward to having with him may not be possible but i feel like i can't just give up on him. i love him. he is a good man with morals and i don't want to abandon him if i can find a way not to....he's experienced tremendous loss, expressed in the past that women have used him financially because he is generous, but i wonder about his perception on some of those experiences now. deep down inside i think he may feel that i may just do the same. take from him and discard him....but that's the last thing it'd ever want to do. for a long time i've looked forward to the opportunity be with him, believing that we were a good match. his capacity to love deeply convinced me to take a chance, to love and be loved in return, be partners, build a family, take care of eachother, protect eachother, have honest heart to heart discussion/disagreements and solve problems together....but he's just so detached and tight lipped all the time now and i don't know how to handle it the right way.
my bf and i have known eachother 20+ years (teens), lost touch and reconnected on social media 5 years ago. i've been divorced 10 years and he was engaged but it ended 3 years ago (she left him in an ugly way, no explanation) he did 15 years in the army. romantic interest began to develop around 2 years ago when he revealed that he'd admired me since we were teens. i was curious about him too and often would try to engage him in conversation, but he never said much and appeared to be shy or just not have much to say to me so no further interest developed. he said didn't want to step on anyone's toes because he thought i had a boyfriend back then. he's no longer shy, but quite introverted at times now. over the last 2 years we communicated a great deal, we shared alot filling in gaps of our lives, relationship histories, dreams, goals, discussed our common interests, desires for marriage and family, we both felt the other was a good match, but a long distance relationship was not ideal for either of us, so we remained very close friends. we'd talk about being together if we could be in the same place. the opportunity presented itself when he relocated to my city (our hometown) and we decided to cohabitate 4 months ago. it was very exciting and passionate, we were like 2 peas in a pod and spent all our time together getting reacquainted, bonding, meeting eachother's family, talked more about possibilities of settling down and children....eventually. our family and friends love us together....if either of us post a pic together it gets liked/commented100+ times, which was surprising and overwhelming....but no one knows what i'm living with, what i'm sleeping next to night after night...and it's scary because i know no one would even believe me. his behavior began to change little by little toward me and it's caused alot of anxiety for me, because i didn't expect this from him. i had some reservations about living together so quickly in the first place, this is not something i've ever done and i only attempted this because of our history and the love/admiration that developed. the more i would try to talk with him about my feelings, and get him to talk to me about his feelings the worse it got. naturally there was some crying and dramatic moments as i'm an emotional person and was mortified at the shift in behavior, i believe i unknowingly made it worse. he will just close up, not talk and appear very agitated if i ask him anything, but if i ask him to do something or tell him i need something he obliges, very little communication if any. i would be very confused and uneasy. at first i thought perhaps he was disappointed that i didn't have more going on for myself at this time. I internalized everything....my apartment is very tiny, i lost my ft job in jan due to some untreated medical issues that made it difficult to hold on to, so i was recieving unemployment while trying to figure out what i could do for work and awaiting approval for medicaid when he moved here. unemployment ran out eventually, so right now i work pt and go to alot of dr appts. the insurance from my previous job was just crappy with very high co-pays and the pay became crappier with budget/hours cuts so i couldn't afford to use it much, my health suffered....$50 dr visits, $100 follow up visits with specialists, $350 out of pocket for bloodwork that i need every quarter, i couldn't afford it. anyway, working pt right now allows me to keep insurance so i can get my health on track and move on to the things i'd like to accomplish in the near future. i'll be fine by the new year as long as i'm consistent. he doesn't show much interest in the blow by blow of any of my appts but i've gathered perhaps it's all too tedious for him now that i realize how ptsd looks up close and personal, i'm learning more about the avoidance (and even wondering if i may suffer with it as well, but that's another topic) but he ALWAYS makes sure i have a full tank, money for parking and to eat if i have to be out all day, or if he has to use the car that day, he's sure to meet me to go home together....he remains faithful, consistent and reliable.
he started school last month and is consumed with that, so i do give him space. but the rest of the time he just doesn't seem to want to be bothered at all, withdrawn or engaged in an online game he favors. but when he goes to the gym, he returns in a better mood and his tone is more pleasant and relaxed. the isolation really takes a toll on me emotionally and i'm constantly questioning if i'm just too needy or something, i don't think i am, but being isolated and shut out does leave me feeling like i'm not having a basic need met. i feel ignored and it makes me feel lonely. i avoid my friends a quite a bit because i just don't feel like talking about my unhappiness or lying about everything being alright either. they are all so happy for me, but none of them have experience with anything like this plus....they have their own challenges. i confided in my mother once because i just could not hold it in anymore, but i don't want to dump all of this on her and have her worrying about me, she's older.
pretty much he just stepped in and began paying most of the bills and when i tell him i need something he provides it. he fixes my car and makes sure we both have what we need at home. i accepted this because i trusted in our friendship that it was alright and his desire to help was genuine. i have always worked hard to provide for myself and done without whatever i could not afford, never accepted financial assistance from any man that i dated or showed interest in me...but with him i put my pride to the side and allowed myself to be vulnerable because he is a long term friend, and now the man in my life, i never asked....he just started asking about bills and what i need and took the lead. i've asked a couple times if his feelings have changed for me or if he's disappointed, he either says no or becomes irritated and asks why we have to have this conversation over and over. when i bring up the imbalance in our sharing of living expenses he assures me it's not a problem for him at all and says he's a man and this is what a man is supposed to do, provide and sacrifice to take care of his loved ones. he never leaves me needing anything but he's emotionally detached often, doesn't like to be touched much and refuses to kiss except on my forehead before he goes to school, won't accept physical affection, sometimes he can be very physically playful and we share laughter. i do believe he loves me and takes care of me because he wants to, he takes his role as the man being the provider/protector seriously and i do not believe he would waste time living with me or aquainting me with his family if he didn't love me....but having ptsd prevents him from connecting consistently on an emotional level and he will not seek treatment. he self medicates with alcohol in the evenings although he never appears to be wasted or out of control. to avoid the nightmares, he was deployed alot but won't speak of any of it to me....he was a drill sgt the last 5-6 years....from what i've learned they master manipulating people to break and rebuild. i sometimes fear the dramatic shift in behavior is a form of breaking to make me stronger to be able to stand by him in the future, because he's commented that i need to develop my mental toughness. he shows no signs of being violent with me ever, he treats me very gently but i've often wondered if his silence is his way of keeping his temper in check (remaining in control) and not scaring me away perhaps....maybe that's why the fiancee left?
having all of these questions and his inability or refusal to communicate effectively take my anxiety to a level 10. i don't like wondering and not being able to get answers.
i realize now that the loving emotionally fulfilling relationship i'd looked forward to having with him may not be possible but i feel like i can't just give up on him. i love him. he is a good man with morals and i don't want to abandon him if i can find a way not to....he's experienced tremendous loss, expressed in the past that women have used him financially because he is generous, but i wonder about his perception on some of those experiences now. deep down inside i think he may feel that i may just do the same. take from him and discard him....but that's the last thing it'd ever want to do. for a long time i've looked forward to the opportunity be with him, believing that we were a good match. his capacity to love deeply convinced me to take a chance, to love and be loved in return, be partners, build a family, take care of eachother, protect eachother, have honest heart to heart discussion/disagreements and solve problems together....but he's just so detached and tight lipped all the time now and i don't know how to handle it the right way.
