General Shut Out Again... Worried My Husband is Avoiding Us

[seriously]

My dh is a Marine. We do not live together at this time per doctor's orders. It has been two days since I spoke with him last. I worry that he's gone back into that black hole.

We are suppose to see each other in a few days and I'm now a nervous wreck. So much so that I'm nauseated by not knowing what to expect.

I'm not the only one hurting by his shut outs either. Our youngest child said to me the other day, "When Daddy's not here, I feel like I don't have a daddy." That just about broke my heart. How do you explain this to a 4yo? I've tried to tell her that he's not the same since he came home from Iraq, but I can't really go into detail. Our oldest seems to understand a little more, but is very nervous around him.

I've seriously thought about looking for Combat PTSD support groups in our area because I just don't know how to handle it all plus the emotions of our children.

(This is mostly a whiny vent, but if anyone can offer any advice, I sure would appreciate it.)

 

[Kathy]

Seriously, welcome once again to the forum. Lovely to see you posting. No need to answer if you feel uncomfortable, however why has the doctor ordered the two of you be separated? That does seem a bit odd to me. Is this his psychiatrist's wishes? Is he receiving treatment or support for his PTSD? Treatment is exceedingly important as I'm sure you're aware.

I am very sorry for what you are going through, it is painful when they shut us out, isn't it? My son in the military did the same thing. Sometimes we would not hear from him for 2-3 weeks at a time. He also had a young child, who was often crying for his father. One thing you must also remember however, when they shut us out it is because they are in extreme pain themselves. It is their way of coping with their situation. No you needn't go into detail, however personally I would tell your child that her father is ill, and it has nothing to do with her or anything she's done. It is an illness just like any other, and part of the illness is trouble relating to people, even family. We told Liam (our grandson) this about Brian and he did seem to understand somewhat.

If you can find a support group I'm certain it would be beneficial for you. In Canada we have the Military Family Resource Centres, usually located near a base. You perhaps have something similar in the United States. You are most welcome to post here as well. There are a few military families here, and in any event, PTSD and the behaviours that go along with it are similar across the board, whether one has Combat PTSD, Complex PTSD or what have you. You will find many here who can relate regardless of what caused theirs or their loved one's PTSD.

 

[seriously]

Thanks, Kathy.

Yes, it was by the doctor's orders. He had grabbed me when we were in an argument. He had not been diagnosed yet. Grabbing me really messed him up for a while. He also has trouble with impulse control. I think it is like that stress button attached to Mr. Parson's cup demostration.(Btw, that article helped immensely.)

I explained to my children what it's like for him and for my oldest to not constantly be in his ear. She talks entirely too much sometimes.:rolleyes: I used the cup demonstration to explain to them how full everything is and if one stressful thing is added how it runs over. So we have to be kinda careful not to run his cup over. Also, if he doesn't want to play then leave him alone. He will play when he feels he can give them his full attention. They both seemed ok with that.

I really do think I am going to try to get in a support group. There are several bases around so surely there will be one nearby.

For now, I thank you all for the information you have given me because it has truly helped more than anyone could know. Unfortunately(because I wish noone had to go thru this), I know I'm not alone in all this.

 

[Kathy]

Ah, thank you for answering. That does make sense. It is a good thing thing too, if he is having impulse control problems. My brother-in-law was violent with his family on occasion however we were unaware until it was too late and his wife did not tell us either. It ended terribly. It is good you are being more careful and thinking of yourself and your children also, as well as your husband. Yes the PTSD Cup explanation is very helpful, isn't it? It's one of the best articles here in my opinion. Good on you for reading the articles and applying them, many carers do not. Much luck to you finding a support group, and as always you are most welcome to post here anytime.

 

[seriously]

Thank you, Kathy.

As far as the article goes, I try to read everything that I can. But I have to do it when noone else is around because I always start crying realizing all the things he is going through that I can't really help him with. Last time I did it my children got upset because I was crying, so now I don't have a lot of time to do it when they aren't around- they are always with me if not in school. (That's a good thing though. It keeps my mind on all the good things in life I have going for me.:smile:)

There are other things I'd like to ask but will wait until I get access into the private carers chat. You know, just in case for some reason he gets on here. I don't in anyway at all possible want to upset him; a little afraid of pushing that stressor button. Though, I do need answers.

Anyway, thanks again.

 

[heartbroken]

Sorry, I can't help. But if it makes a difference, I can sympathize. I'm in a very similar position with my own husband. Hang in there - things will get better. Or so I've been told.

 

[seriously]

I really would like to tell myself the same thing, and have been doing so for a long time. Now there are new issues that have come about that are truly breaking my heart because I can do nothing about them. But thanks. I so wish noone hadto go thru this EVER!!!

 

[seriously]

Update: Ok. So I'm a bigger idiot than I ever thought I would be.

He has been living with another woman since Aug. Found out this morning. I called her to ask what was going on with them because I had seen some text messages. Well, he'd been totally lieing to her too. It's just a big ole mess. I actually feel sorry for her because she got drug into all this. But it is over with them. She packed up his stuff and gave it to his boss-who knew it was going on and both are military. She told him she never wanted to talk or see him again. She was crying really badly so I think I believe her, but of course I am having a hard time trusting anyone at the moment.

She didn't even know about his PTSD. That right there is just wrong.

I hate that he did this to our girls. They don't know that he went out of town with her twice-the same distance as it would've taken him to get here-instead of coming home to see his daughters. So uncool.

Right now I can't stand him. Hopefully, eventually I can tolerate him. And to think I was willing to go thru all the crap with him.

I guess now I need to know parenting stuff.

Is it wrong of me to ask for supervised overnight visits for now? I'm just a little afraid of his impulse control issues.

 

[Kathy]

Oh my, how horrible for you seriously! It is a terrible shock. My husband cheated on me years ago when my children were young, so I well understand the pain and anger of it. You are definitely not an idiot however. It is not idiotic to trust your man and the father of your children. It is simply unfortunate that he did not deserve that trust.

Regarding supervised visits, I would say if you are truly worried he will physically harm his daughters, then yes, ask for them. However, if you are only thinking of this now because you are upset with him and looking for revenge of some sort, then I would say no. Regardless of his relationship with you personally, the children are his as much as yours. Children need both their parents. If you are uncertain which it is, then I would say wait until you can think a little more clearly about the matter. I never kept my children from my husband after we were separated, however for a short while it was very tempting!

In any event, I am very sorry this has happened, my heart goes out to you. Do take care and feel free to come here to post and vent anytime.

 

[seriously]

Thank you, Kathy.

No. It is not because I want to keep them from him. He has impulse control issues. He says the only one he wants to hurt is me and that he wouldn't harm his children. Well, when he grabbed me by the throat and started choking me, he didn't really mean to harm me; realized after the fact.

So yes, I am worried about that. I told him I wanted supervised(his parents only) overnight visits for now. He is planning on going back to Iraq/Afghan to pay off all the bills. I am afraid that his combat PTSD will be even worse by the time he gets back. He got angry when I told him that when he came back that I wanted sup. visits until he was cleared because of the PTSD. Then eventually we both said we'd cross that bridge when we come to it, but, honestly, I don't think I will back down from that issue.

I don't think it's going to be really easy. He says that he will give me what I want, but then tells me how much(percentage) he will give me. If he is thinking I can pay all the bills with that amt.(60%) plus be child support, he is nuts! Now if it is the remainder after all the bills are paid then I think I'm good with that.

Anyway, thank you for letting me gripe about this. It really does help.

Kathy, how did you ever trust him again? I don't think I can ever forgive him for this or trust him again. His daddy wanted us to try to work things out but I don't want him anymore.

OH! He also tried to make me feel guilty about his girlfriend kicking him out. I told him he deserved to have nowhere to live.

 

[Kathy]

If you truly are concerned about him being violent with your girls, intentionally or unintentionally, then yes I agree with you, supervised visits are best. You should not back down until you have a good word from his psychiatrist. Better safe now than sorry later on, that you did not protect your little ones.

Regarding trusting my husband, it was a slow painful process. It took me several years before I trusted him completely. Our situation was a little different however in that Jim was suffering from combat stress and was drinking heavily when he cheated on me. I left him and went back to Canada with the children (we were stationed in Cyprus at the time). He followed soon after and went into treatment for his alcoholism. Not to condone what Jim did in the slightest, however I believe his alcoholism and being ill played a large factor in his cheating, so after he agreed to receive help and truly committed himself to changing, I was willing to take him back. Really he worked very hard to get me and the children back, and he has remained sober since and is a changed man when not drinking. After we reconciled, we went to marital counseling together for 2 years which also helped tremendously. We both worked very hard at repairing the marriage, as we still loved each other very much. I always tell others, if their partner has cheated, to not take them back unless they really are willing to work as hard as Jim and I did.

It is not your fault in the slightest that he was kicked out of his girlfriend's home. He should not blame you for something which is his doing to begin with. He was willing to cheat, now he must face the consequences of his actions.

 

[seriously]

Well, he does drink a lot. I mean a lot. Before when he first came back, three months before the affair he said the only way to feel better and take the edge of was to get drunk.

He said the only person he wants to hurt(physically and I think he also meant emotionally) was me. Isn't that part of the PTSD? Hurt the ones who love you most?

I am very glad you were able to work things out. I just don't know if I could ever do that. I'm hurting just too much right now and extremely angry.

Again, thank you very much.