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Sibling Enmeshent - Input Appreciated


New Here
Hi all,

I've been struggling in navigating a relationship with a sibling. I'm hoping to get some insight.

Long story short: Toxic family. I moved out early and been NC/grey rock more or less. When my sibling had a "psychotic break", I had more engagement and did my part in trying to help. Being as I was NC for so long - I don't really know what happened. I find out now that the psychotic break may not have been completely true and the parent that had guardianship may have influenced heavily this situation and my sibling has been treated like a guinea pig drugged against their will, in and out of jail, psych ward, etc... for over a decade as some sort of lashing out from that parent..perhaps undiagnosed Munchausen by proxy but i'm being speculative here. There's no proof. parent has immaculate reputation in medical system/family, etc...

My sibling is pretty down...currently homeless. Housing them has proved to be an undertaking as due to their CPTSD - they get triggered and leave or create issues for the landlord/housemates. same thing happened when they lived with me once. there were violent episodes and complaints in the apt building. I hate to see them in this situation. However, me finding a housing solution for them is signing up to be responsible for their life and others when they don't desire that...they just desire the resources from me...but it's something that given their situation it's hard to separate. I found a willing landlord, but due to the commute, my sibling didn't take it. TBH, I can't really vouch for his behavior with any landlord because I just don't know what he may do. They have a poor track record. I encourage them to use resources available - speak to a case worker or the local organizations in regards to this. I encourage them that this is their life and to get into a better situation they have to be an active part even if it's just a small step at a time.

This just seems to not connect at all. Unfortunately, my sibling was never given the opportunity to learn self-sufficiency. Our parent really smothered them from early adulthood onwards giving them really no room to breathe. Just constantly controlling them and being verbally degrading. Them being homeless for a year now out of state is the closest thing to independence they've had in a decade which is really shitty. Now they are sick of being homeless and think all it takes is someone to put them in a house, yet it's really so much more than that.

I'm happy to provide resources, Yet - providing resources sort of drags me into the role of guardian because if something happens, it will fall on me. I worry an innocent landlord will get caught up or my sibling will get the cops called on them and retraumatized.

I also wonder if it isn't enabling my sibling to stay stuck by providing resources with no accountability to do something to maintain their life. However, any mention of this is unwelcome. It's clear they are not asking me to be a mother or mentor and I can respect that. It's just not as simple as...here's a house, have a nice life. It's more like...I found some housing....when is the time bomb going to explode? I want to be encouraging and I don't want to see them as being a liability...I understand their triggers are not who they are...and it's a very real part of the situation. Not to mention - there's drug use, which again is completely understandable. they were drugged against their will so many times with amphetamines and anti-psychotics...that screws up your brain chemistry and so self medicating is totally understandable. not to mention all the trauma they haven't been able to process. It's totally understandable the need to disassociate...however it makes it worse for them trying to find housing because unless their doing transitional housing...no one wants a drug-user to live in their home. Ones that do seem to be creeps that desire to sexually exploit and I do not want my sibling in that situation.

I get the feeling they think I'm some fairy godmother who can grant all their wishes without them having to be independent...they don't realize their asking to stay stuck in this infantalized position...I believe in housing first...it's just harder than I thought to get that simple piece in order.

Any advice is appreciated.
I also wonder if it isn't enabling my sibling to stay stuck by providing resources with no accountability to do something to maintain their life.
One of the worst things about profound mental illness is the impact on loved ones.

You cannot save your sibling. They have to decide to do that themselves.

It can be incredibly painful to watch. Provide love and compassion where you can, and cheer them on knowing what they are capable of should they decide to work on their own recovery.

Where I live (Australia), there are organisations dedicated to supporting the family of people with profound mental illness (and, tellingly, family of people who suffer psychosis form the overwhelming majority) that can be incredibly good resources for how to navigate this and preserve your own wellbeing in the process.