Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[ms spock]

I will deal with my transference with my trauma informed counsellor and my new psychiatrist as my current psychiatrist is choosing not to deal with her counter transference. I don't feel safe with her.

 

[ms spock]

My psychiatrist's misrepresentation of what she would do re providing me a referral, options of names, transitioning me to a new psychiatrist, giving me a lot of support until I settled in, that she would to do a meds changeover, that I could trust her and she would absolutely take care of me. It is a sad moment for me. I am also angry and frustrated that she lied to me.

It is 37 days until I have my intake appointment. It will be such a relief. This situation is just a drain.

This will end.

 

[ms spock]

My trauma informed counsellor has explained to me the difference between using such a relationship rupture as a way to offer new repariative experiences for my recovery or taking it personally.

If my psychiatrist was being repariative, she would be looking for opportunities to give me new repariative experiences versus replicating the abuse that I experienced with my mother.

That it is really unfortunate that my psychiatrist doesn't have this therapeutic insight.

That she's taking it personally and is not engaging with me in a useful manner.

All her lies about her absolutely supporting my transitioning to another psychiatrist and her current stances and behaviours are not useful for my recovery.

 

[ms spock]

I have actually processed a lot in relationship to this situation. It has been invaluable to be doing this. It is helpful.

At the end of this I will have developed a wider range of skills.

As I am still living with the fall out of Cyclone Alfred, the house next door burning down, which caused so much smoke damage, I have lost all my furniture etc etc and I can't live in my house. I am comimg a little behind the eight ball.

My psychiatrist kept demanding that I just get my house fixed.

(5) The Untenable Situation - imposing impossible requirements.​

I couldn't just click my fingers and fix the house. If it rains for four weeks, then the roof and fence could not be fixed.​

For my psychiatrist to show such a lack of compassion at this time is rather unhelpful, to say the least.

If you had told me that this would be the ending of this relationship a year ago. I would never have believed it.

 

[ms spock]

My psychiatrist has been a little bit unwise in her emails. I am not responding to them, except perfunctory acknowledgement of the receipt of scripts via snail mail.

I wrote two good faith emails. She has not responded in good faith.

I have to not be in my little one parts. As an adult, though fragmented, I can withstand and endure coming to terms what is happening between my psychiatrist and my self.

Her emails and behaviours towards me are leaving a paper trail.

So my psychiatrist is pretty cookie cutter in many ways. I took my power back by cancelling sessions. I will not subject myself to her bullying, unkind comments and intimidation. I am guessing that she's a little put out by not being able to bully me into accepting no transition. I was shocked that I managed to stand up to her.

I got sick of her delaying and fobbing me off about a referral and a transition. So I mentioned her "duty of care" which suddenly meant I received referrals from her in less than 24 hours.

I won't be doing much else. This is taking up all my bandwidth. I just have to survive feeling betrayed of her stringing me along, the dehumanising comments, the betrayal re lying about transitioning to another psychiatrist. And the disappointment that she isn't aspiring to basic kindness, basic compassion, or basic support.

I am going to get there. I am just holding on. That is the best that I can do right now.
I am in bed. I am watching TV series. I am eating. And I am not going to be doing much. It is self care time.

I have 35 days until I have an intake with a new psychiatrist for medications and assessments. I did try another one. Not for me. I am doing the best that I can do. I can't do anymore.

 

[ms spock]

She's put me in an untenable situation. Link

My psychiatrist is giving me conflicting messages & making conflicting demands.

She's creased a lack of clarity about the structure of our therapeutic relationship.

 

[ms spock]

I am so very grateful that my psychiatrist's behaviours are so over the line and actually don't meet her legal requirements, as a professional, in our country, there is no doubt about her actions.

Otherwise, I would be going crazy with Self Doubt. So I am most fortunate. That is very useful for me. To have it shoved in my face. I would have spent many years doubting myself.

 

[ms spock]

In her emails there is no validation, compassion or room for me. Even though I owned the parts that I am aware of.

She's being (4) The Opaque Therapist. She denies her participation in a two-person dynamic with the therapeutic relationship having a rhythm of closeness & estrangement. There is no distance here. There is estrangement.

There is the comment that no one will prescribe for me.

And I will need to speak to her to discuss the report for my notes/report for my mother's estate.

Like the other things she said. This is not true.

She's told me some things don't come under Medicare.Apparently that is not true either. That could come under her being a boomer who has poor computer skills. So there is some benefit of the doubt.

But the out and out lying. And her mocking me about the out and out lying. There is no benefit of the doubt.

If I had known she was lying to me with with no intention of finding me a good replacement, a year or two ago,;then things would be different now. But I trusted her and it took a lot for me to get the confidence to force the issue to see if she would provide me with a referral and a name along with a handover support with a copy of my notes/report for my new psychiatrist.

She told me that she didn't have time to write me a report or to photocopy all my notes as we are in a second volume. She didn't have any time to do this.

She's had a lot of time to do hand overs and change overs for other clients. I wonder why not me?

She really has goes at me telling me off about so many things.

She told me no one would be able to do for me what she did with me. She told me that no other psychiatrist would bother working with me, or want to work with me because of what she did for me. That it would be a waste of time for them. This is not true my trauma informed counsellor is choosing to work with me several times per week for 5-6 weeks.

She sent me an email saying that I have caused this situation. That I had brought it to a head. You bet your last feicing dollar that I pushed this issue to a head by writing she had a "duty of care" to provide a referral, names, copy of my notes and/or a report. I had to know if she was going to do the things that she had promised me that she would do, that she had reassured me that she would do, that she had told me that I could trust her to do. Which I had uncertainty and fear about, which she belittled and shamed me for saying.

I found out that she wasn't prepared to do any of it, except the barest minimum.

A copy and paste referral.

She gave me a referral to a Good Recommended Psychiatrist that I told her at our last session had closed her books. That I previously had asked her for a referral to see. She never provided the referral and now it is too late. I might not have got in anyway but I would have had a chance.

The good thing is I am facing reality. It could be a lot worse. She had told me that she would retire in 3-6 months when her building was demolished for a couple of years.

When she told me that Council blocked a demolition of building in a short timeframe. I could have had rung up to no phone or way to contact her. So things could be much, much, much worse.

Without working with my trauma informed counsellor working with me to help me ground and connect up with myself. I could have ended up in a vulnerable place indeed.

 

[ms spock]

She's been my psychiatrist for 20 years. She knows some of my most vulnerable places. Lately she's been attacking me in some of these places. This is not a safe thing to do. It's not best practice either. It is not professional.

I did, mindfully, escalate, to see if she would meet the legal requirements of her profession. I did that via a email.

But long before this we were in "The persecutory spiral" which has left me trying to constantly de-escalate with my psychiatrist. I went into extreme fawn or freeze. It was really destabilizing.

She wouldn't have a bar of my parts. So all of me couldn't turn up.

So I feel we have been in an escalating destructive interaction in which I, the client,
feel that I am being persecuted by her. I have emailed for her perspective and she didn't respond. So I don't know how she feels or experiences our situation.

I do feel, that given how she has belittled me, chastised me, and had goes at some of my most fragile and tender emotional wounds that it is no longer safe or of any use to see her further. I also don't feel safe & contained with her. I just can't take any more barbs or nasty comments.

What am I to her?

A punching bag?

Someone to be intellectually superior to? or

To spar with intellectually?

Or a client she lost long ago?

Or a family member who doesn't do what she says?

She says to me that no other mental health professionals would bother working with me because of all the psychotherapy she has done with me.

I don't think she knows what psychotherapy is, the client has to feel heard, seen and feels that the therapist is empathetic towards them. To do psychotherapy the client has to have a safe relationship with the therapist. She tells me what to do and gets angry when I don't do what she wants me to do. It was not and is not a safe relationship.

The biggest learning from my psychiatrist will come from the ending of our therapeutic relationship.

Though I will miss her, at times, I am sure.

She had been good in many ways but the lack of feeling safe was an issue. I could never express myself well enough to get her to listen or here.

Potent factors are "all knowing", authoritarian, rigid, and sectarian attitudes and beliefs regarding psychotherapeutic theory and technique.