Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[ms spock]

So I would say my psychiatrist was trolling me, but I don't think she understands what trolling is.

My psychiatrist sent me another referral. After telling me she can't send me referrals because there is a limited supplied of psychiatrists in my local area. Even though I said this to her many times as why I needed to get on waiting lists and explore options.

I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist who had a good reputation. There last time I spoke to her I told her that the psychiatrist's books were closed. So she sent a referral for that particular psychiatrist, whose books are still closed. I don't even think she's being mean. She's just not listening to me. She's got a view of me at a particular developmental stage and she's not updated it.

Perhaps she didn't know how to end it with me so s that's why she's been doing weird and unkind things. I wonder if she has a supervisor.

 

[ms spock]

My psychiatrist is definitely not putting in the effort to assess whether a clinic or practice is safe to refer a client to or not. A recent referral arrived late last week. The referral is to a clinic where the head male psychiatrist has restrictions on working with female patients. Apparently he's not allowed to be alone with them.

Anyway my psychiatrist sent me a referral to a young, new psychiatrist at this pretty terrible practice.

When my psychiatrist started talking about retiring, a couple of years ago. She said that she would get me an experienced psychiatrist for me because of my complexity.

It is the clinic where the female psychiatrist, I tried out, who was so appalling, that I put in a formal complaint. She told me without any substantive testing or analysis that I have "DID". I said no and she said well you have "mild DID". As far as I know there is no such thing.

Which is fairly poor. Giving out a diagnosis without knowing who I was. You'd think a psychiatrist would want to talk to someone for several sessions before handing out diagnosis such as DID.

Or that changing medications at the first session might not be a thing to do at the first until you understand what is going on with the client and their medications.

I told her that I had been on a drug for 469 days and she said that I couldn't possibly know that. I think that I may have possibly intimidated her.

So maybe I should act dumber next time?

She did tell me she hadn't been a psychiatrist long. No shit sherlock.

She wrote me a script without going through any potential side affects. She did not go though whether the new prescription would impact on my current medications.

I told her I was allergic to a certain class of drugs and could risk serious and permanent damage. She said "Oh we can just use a small amount of it". I was on a small amount of it when I had the severe reaction.

Her comprehensive skills didn't seem that solid. She was not empathetic. She was no safe IMHO.

I wouldn't have been trying out random psychiatrists if my original psychiatrist had kept her promises to me. Or not mislead me. She mocked me for being anxious about transferring. She told me that she put time in for me, like for her other clients.

I don't trust my psychiatrist anymore. So maybe it's no more than she got another name, sent another referral to me, so she can document that she gave me some referrals in my file. I am guessing that is where we are at this point.

Since I've mentioned "duty of care" she's finally been sending names and referrals. She's annoyed about that. But she'd been having goes at me for quite some time before that.

 

[ms spock]

My psychiatrist sent me new times for my "next" appointments.

Obviously she didn't read my emails.

So I will cancel giving her two days to fill the session.

It is inconsistent her saying she won't do therapy, yet she's doing a little bit of that via email.

It is inconsistent to say no more scripts without a consultation but she emails me to let me know she has snail mailed me some more scripts.

She told me no referrals due to a lack of psychiatrists in my area. Now she sent me another email with another referral.

It's around 30 days before I can do an intake session with a new psychiatrist.

Then I can end this situation. I can email.

"I have found a new psychiatrist and a trauma informed counsellor. Thanks for your assistance".

And then it will be finished.

 

[ms spock]

A year from today. Even if I never understand what is/was happening I will have moved on.

 

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I believe that my psychiatrist and I are engaged in the The persecutory spiral It feels like we are stuck in an escalating destructive interaction where I am feeling persecuted by my psychiatrist.

She tells me what she will do and strings me a long and doesn't do what she says that she will do. Then she blames me

I feel like that I have to constantly descalate/fawn when I am in session with her.

She tells me what I have/am doing wrong.

She is highly critical towards me.

My psychiatrist has been "all knowing", authoritarian, rigid, with her attitudes and beliefs regarding her chosen psychotherapeutic theory and technique being the only way.

She says she does psychotherapy with me but I have not experienced that from her. She doesn't listen to me. You have to have a sense trust and safety to do psychotherapy with someone.

 

[ms spock]

Such a disappointing and belittling thing to say.

I found it distressing. And very disappointing. She had promised me that she would do that and transition me to another psychiatrist.

Her aggression towards me has really taken my breath away. I have constantly had to de-escalate by switching to topics that are her areas of interest, expertise and passion.

Having sessions with her have been exhausting. So I won't have to mask and pretend anymore.

It is so like my relationship with my mother in some ways.

Because she won't discuss our relationship between us. There's no way to process the transference and counter transference that is going on.

I can't talk to her because she dismisses what I say. I wrote two emails and she didn't respond.

She keeps shifting the goalposts. She won't do therapy via email then she strays into that. She won't send scripts (which she's done dozens of times over the years) then she emails to let me know she's sent some more scripts. She will send me referrals and transition me and then she can't because there's not enough psychiatrists and then I mentioned "duty of care" and now she's sending referrals. Referrals that are not useful for my set of circumstances.

 

[ms spock]

I think if you can't speak to a client with a basic tone of respect.

Then you need to take responsibility for that.

You need to refer onwards and cease the "therapy".

If you change your mind about what you promised to do to for a client. So their medication can be managed during a transition. Then you need to be honest about that so the client can take over and organise for their future mental health management.

I realised a few months ago that she was lying to me and I was in shock. Then I started looking for other psychiatrists.

 

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It is so sobering that I wasn't present enough to see what was going on in my own therapy sessions.

I am feeling uncertain about myself.

Is this a six- nine month thing? Or has it been going on longer and I was so profoundly dissociated that I didn't notice?

I have been processing my difficult relationship with my psychiatrist with my trauma informed counsellor for a few years now. Without this I would be in a pretty bad position now.

This is stressful but it could be much worse.

 

[ms spock]

The sad thing is I am not even grieving for my actual psychiatrist.

I had a fantasy that she would do what she emphatically said she would do about continuity of care for me.

I am grieving for someone I imagined respected me and cared for me.

I imagined she valued the work that we were doing.

I am grieving for a fantasy, that I have in my head, about my psychiatrist.

I imagined that she would even praise me about the work that I did in therapy at the completion of our therapeutic relationship.

I wasn't engaging in reality based therapy of what was happening in my therapy. That is most concerning.

The whole Cyclone Alfred, the house next door burning down, living in temporary accommodation, losing my stuff, the challenges with BS and the rest of it has been overwhelming. I haven't been managing for awhile.

My psychiatrist just kept demanding that I just get the house fixed. And she kept getting angry that it wasn't happening. But it was not that easy. The wide spread damage across the region meant getting hold of tradies was difficult. The Insurance Company dragged things out.

I was in an (5) The Untenable Situation from the article.

 

[ms spock]

I did a really good and brave thing.

I questioned my psychiatrist and I called out what she was saying and doing.

This brought things to a head.

It meant I took all types of action.

I found a range of resources and information that I didn't have knowledge about.

There's an organisation, an hour away, that assists you in safety tapering off your medications. I can access that next year.

I was motivated to reassess a lot of what I am doing. And there are changes I want to make.

It did get me to think through all the things that I am doing. It was not easy but very important to do. So my mindset is beginning tiny steps to change my life.

 

[ms spock]

I am angry. How dare she behave like this to me.

I will do some raging.
I will find a place to do shouting, yelling and keening.
Physical activity to get the anger out.
I will whinge, whine and complain.
Some grieving and sulking.

In about 30 days it will be finished. I will still process but that is okay.