Dissociation after a long break

[lawi]

I was thinking about something I think I used to control through detachment or dissociation. I was thinking about a way to handle it without dissociating. I then felt the old feeling again. For me I think it's a distancing from myself I guess, and so on. What I seem to have lost is a connection to other people and things related to that, but I'm not really sure. Like I block things away, rather than feel them, whereas recently I have felt a lot of things I thought were sort of unavailable to me. Not sure if this means anything to anyone else.

I looked around and found that "relapses" like this are normal, which helped with the worry a little but, though for me it has been a really long time the last time I felt like this I think. I thought this had become completely unavailable to me.

I am looking for peer support and the experiences of other people. I really feel like speaking to a human being who knows what I mean, as I am sort of new to all of this. Experiences are one of those things where you can't really describe them accurately, so maybe some of you know what I mean. It would be great.

I would love to know what I should do? I feel "fine", where fine means faniliar but still very different from what I have felt recently. I feel like if I was now with another person, something would be missing which just yesterday was available, like real interactions. In a way I feel much better, but in a way I feel like I just lost some senses.

Any dialogue on this would be nice, as I am about to prepare for bed and I could use some authenticity and comfort from that. Thank you.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

What I seem to have lost is a connection to other people and things related to that, but I'm not really sure. Like I block things away, rather than feel them, whereas recently I have felt a lot of things I thought were sort of unavailable to me. Not sure if this means anything to anyone else.

I feel like if I was now with another person, something would be missing which just yesterday was available, like real interactions. In a way I feel much better, but in a way I feel like I just lost some senses.

It's normal for it to fluctuate, living life without high levels of dissociation is good, but you can't get rid of it all at once... it serves/served a purpose.
If all my dissociation went away today, I wouldn't survive it.

The stress/change/adjustment of re-associating and regaining access to a lot of things could be putting up some walls; it's tiring even if it's a good thing, reassociating is exhausting and a hard process, even if you feel "fine"; I get it a lot... feeling OK but unavailable in areas.

Progress definitely isn't linear. You gain and lose stuff as things adjust. Every time I feel better/more able in some areas, other things have down time for a while.
Feeling decent doesn't mean stuff isn't hard on the nervous system.


At the moment I've got access to being able to take care of myself physically (at least better than normal), awareness of trauma/my actual mental state, and I am "there" enough to try n sort stuff out. Socially I've become a rock, and some more stuff is being kept in the back/out of bounds.
Previously I had none of those skills but was happy to socialise.