Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

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I emailed my psychiatrist that I had received my scripts.

This lets her know that I have received them.

This is a standard communication for us.

 

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My psychiatrist got into my head.

I am feeling fearful of being judged as not good enough or that I am not trying hard enough.

She was exhausting to deal with.

Hopefully it will be only another few emails.

 

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I have a trauma informed counsellor who has been discussing my relationship with my psychiatrist for 5-6 years now.

And I have this thread so I can vent about this and this forum to read. People who understand. Or if they don't understand are kind.

I can never express how important this has been for me.

I can't imagine the impact on a client for what a psychiatrist behaving, like my psychiatrist has behaved like towards me, without these types of support.

My trauma informed counsellor says that I am giving my psychiatrist too much power. That she's not as aware as I think she is.

But she attacked me and my vulnerabilities. So it is confusing. I will probably never know what is happening with my psychiatrist.

It is possible that my trauma somehow hooked into her trauma. That, she, herself has attachment issues. I probably will never know.

 

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I was looking at all this research and there would be some of it that I would send to my psychiatrist. That is a change. I know her interests.

 

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If I perhaps kept my intellect dampened down, maybe if I hadn't had as many intellectual conversations, that could have prevented this?

Did I offend her ego?

That was part of the fawning so probably not. I don't have much control over the fawning.

She didn't understand how dissociated and fragmenting I was/am.

 

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It's not a lot to transition someone. It is just a copy and pasting a few documents.

 

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Feic the air fryer. It won't work.

I feel frustrated about not having a kitchen (and the caravan kitchen is not working out either) and not having a laundry and not being able to live in your house is a pain in the arse. Feic Climate Change and extreme weather events.

 

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The walk was good. I saw a a thin snake, a koel, a bush turkey, a hare, so many birds and insects, butterflies of all types and more besides.

 

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I am tired and weary.

 

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There's no ritual or process for grieving the loss of a mental health professional.

There's no ritual or process for grieving a psychiatrist who has attacked you in your most vulnerable places. Who was meant to help you heal in those places, and who knows, in great detail, that you have had considerable attached SI attached to those places.

There's no way to describe this to folks.

I had a big sob/cry yesterday afternoon and I was feeling some big emotions this morning and had a big sob.

 

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I don't want to be alive anymore.

It hurts too much.

I tried hard and I still have to struggle so much.

I feel can't trust BS. In the middle of all this he feiced with the caravan when he had absolutely promised not to do this, unless he has discussed it with me. I told him without the caravan as a safe place I was brutally honest with BS that I would have a breakdown if there was any uncertainty about the caravan. Because I can't live in the house. I don't have any furniture. And the tradie attacked me in the house. I am not up for exposure therapy at the moment.

There's still the Insurance Company to deal with.

I can't trust my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist promised me that she would take good care of me. She absolutely lied to me. She ridiculed me and mocked me when I expressed fear, concern and doub around transitioning. If I hadn't believed her I could have been searching for a psychiatrist for the last couple of years. I could be more informed.

I didn't know if I was going to have enough medications. It was very stressful. It would potentially take a couple of years to wean off the medications. I am not stable now but as soon as I can I want to go down on the medications. Just a maintenance dose of 50-100 mg of the Endep.

I never want to be dependent on a doctor for medications ever again. It was too much her saying she would withhold them from me. Then confusingly sent me more scripts that she's ever sent than she's ever sent me before.

Then she lied to me again, telling me she couldn't send repeats for one script that she has now sent five repeats of. She is so inconsistent.

I just wanted a couple of positive comments. I wanted her to feel a bit proud of me because I tried so hard.

I feel so alone. I lived with so much pain as a child. I looked after my sisters and brothers and I saved their lives. If I stayed at home at 15 years old he would have killed us all and then the pain would have ended.

In 2013 my father moved 10-12 blocks away from me and he was stalking me again. I fled the state. He was escalating and he would have killed me. If I had stayed then the pain would have ended.

I feel so unhappy and trapped.

I don't want to be alive anymore.

I can't find anywhere else to live because I don't have enough money. And I can't manage much at the moment.

I need to learn Radical Self Compassion so I listen to myself and not get cut off and told to do something else. I just wanted deep listening. I didn't need to be told that I need to do more. Feic I have known that for years. I just want to be listened to and belong some where.

I can't do what I can't do. I was profoundly dissociated, fragmenting and in so many parts. That has to heal a bit before you can make progress.

And for me right now I can't even do basic things. I am so burnt out. I can wash a few cups, lie down with an ice pack on my neck/skull and then get up again or not depending.

I don't have a kitchen, laundry or the house fixed enough to live in. I was maxed out

I had a big sob this morning. I really needed all that to come out.

I don't have the energy to deal with BS at the moment.