Six Years In Hell

[Marie E.]

I am not good at communicating well, but I will give it a try. I got into a abusive relationship starting when I left my parents home. I met a guy online who was from Canada. I wanted to escape living with my parents at age 18. It didn't help that I already had my share of mental issues. I will call my abusive ex N. N was older than me by 15 yrs or so and I didn't know at the time that he targeted young adult women over the internet. We talked back and forth for a year. My parents didn't know him, but knew we spoke. My mother was actually ok to drive me all the way to Vancouver B.C. My dad didn't get to have a say in it, but bought me luggage.

God I was so stupid when I was young! So, my mother drove me and along came my step father and younger brother. We stayed in a few motels along the way as the journey was from Colorado to Vancouver B.C. final destination. Upon crossing the border my step father had to stay in Washington cause of his background (criminal record). I was 18 going on 19. So, than my mother, brother and I met N face to face. He acted decent at the time. We went to the Spaghetti Factory, a restaurant. Sorry, this is hard. I'm finally at a place in my life where I am truly safe to start feeling again and am aware of the memories surfacing. My mother and brother left the next day.

Everything was fine for a week, than the abuse really started physically. In the chat site we met through, a friend asked N how I was as I told my friend where I was going to be. N leaped from his computer and came around the bed I was laying on and choked me with rage on his face. I couldn't breath and I was scared. Afterwards, as I caught my breath, he called me a bitch and said how dare I tell anyone where he lives. (Break).

(If I didn't get this off my chest below, I would of exploded, kinda already did.)

Everything seemed ok at first. How was I to know he would be so cruel to me? I have trouble feeling safe when I am even alone in the present. This man got away with everything in the end, including my kids. And I was treated as the bad person. Not even my older child's forensic interview was considered evidence. Why? Cause it was evidence obtained in America when the crime was supposed to of happened in Canada and the Canadian judge said he couldn't see the video clearly and oh I was "coaching my kids".

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Marie

I'm so glad you posted. Just noticed your post while walking out the door. Hope to catch you over the weekend.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Welcome to the forum, Marie! I am so sorry to hear what you went through, and especially sorry to hear that you were unable to hold on to your kids. It would absolutely tear me up inside if my child was with my ex, and I know it must be agonizing to think about. :(

Court must have been so difficult for you! :( Is it possible to do some kind of appeal to revisit the custody arrangements? I'm not certain how this is handled in Canada - I know their system is not at all the same as America. It might be possible to ask for a second judge's review/opinion? I know in America, you can turn down a judge and request another, if you think the one you are given has some sort of bias. Even if you're court proceedings are completely over, this might be worth looking into - because you might be able to get a "second opinion" of some sort.

 

[JustBe]

Welcome Marie:smile:

 

[Marie E.]

Thank you all for the greetings!!

I had lost faith in the system. Both in Canada and here in the States. I was afraid to appeal in Canada as I was feeling hopeless. N had everyone eating out of his hand and his mom was likely the one in control, manipulative as she was. I was out numbered and almost all alone, except the shelter was with me. I had tried to appeal the decision in America supreme court to reconsider why they agreed to allow the Canadian courts to continue with the child custody case. They flatly denied and said the Canadian court did the right thing. I'm innocent, I did not coach my kids.

Who would tell their older child who told you about horrible things that happened to them. The judge in Canada even threw out the therapy progress that is from America. I miss my kids, but I am scared that my ex N and his mom can legally do anything they want. Everyone believes that stupid lie N tells about me and how I am such a liar. He says that because my father molested me when I was young, that I am shifting the blame on him and making things up and guess what? Everyone believes him, except the shelters.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Welcome Marie! It is so sad that you do not have more support! Have you tried now even after it is over to go to a domestic violence center? There is all kind of help both legally and emotional support for little or no cost. They are helping me after 5 years. I understand the manipulation and brainwashing for the children.

I was estranged from my adult children for 6 years. They were not seeing the truth. Partially my fault because I protected them from the abuse. I stayed for my children for 23 years. I left when my youngest child was in his last year of college They figured it out and know we have a relationship again. The abuser can be very cunning and charismatic.

It makes me sick just thinking about it. I hope you find healing here. Your kids will see through it . Do you have phone contact? A couple of good books are Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. When Dad Hurts Mom also by Lundy Bancroft. I got them for a few dollars used on Amazon.

tb

 

[Marie E.]

I do have support as I see a therapist and psych. I also go to groups. I am in a better place in my life now. I just moved again into housing, but this is a more stable place I am in now. I choose to live with elders as it is a much better community. I just do the best I can. I am in a safe enough spot to work on more memories, reevaluating etc. I just got back from deciding to get my bus pass next month and choose to make sure I had enough food.

Something I am patting myself on the back for is buying something with peppermint in it. My ex N used to love the tea and I bought the coffee mocha. I also bought a cross stitch for self soothing, oh how I love to do that and I know for a fact I can sell my work as so many are interested in the ones I made. I have my own program to make my own as well. Maybe I will put pictures of my finished work. I am rambling on, but this is rare opportunity where I feel open enough to be myself without the critic.

I hope all goes well for you as well.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm so sorry that he is getting away with it. You are one brave lady and I commend you for getting yourself up and taking care of yourself.

I'd love to see the pictures of your cross-stitch. I can't do it, but I love pictures of the intricate cross-stitching that women in olden times did. Also, in those days, women did cross stitch because men dominated and allowed them little else - so for me, those beautifully delicate designs represents women showing how amazing they can be despite the crap men gave them.

 

[Marie E.]

It was hard at first to continue cross stitch as I lost custody of my kids, but I finished the one they picked out. A poster size of snow tigers. I decided to finish it and gave as a gift to my step mom and she loved it. It hangs on her wall. I also cross stitch cause I used to when I was with my ex N, it was one of the few things that gave me piece of mind. So, I have learned to enjoy it more. The next step I will eventually take is getting in the habit of cooking really well as I have before. It just really hard as I did everything for that jerk N and he only cared about his self etc. So, cooking is a big trigger for me.

 

[Nicolette]

It was hard at first to continue cross stitch as I lost custody of my kids, but I finished the one they picked out

I loved long stitch and cross stitch Marie. I started as a teenager at home. My first major attempt, being a single mum, was to spend my time creating a 'Precious Moments' scene where I changed the baby blanket colour from pink to blue.

View attachment 9

I used to do long stitch as a child and recently just gave all my cottons, hoops and patterns to charity - it reminds me of being poor, lonely and my childhood. I have a few framed artworks but I no longer see the beauty in them other than the one I did for my son. It's funny how past situations impact on our view of things.

 

[Marie E.]

I mostly do cross stitch now to keep my piece of mind I managed to hang onto and especially cause others love my work. I think it is one of the ways I seek validation from others since it is hard to look within. I feel either numb or out of control. Or just worry thoughts.

 

[Nicolette]

I feel either numb or out of control. Or just worry thoughts.

That's sad :(