So Angry And Upset At The Moment

[sassyfras]

Not sure how to really start this...or if this is even in the right section...but right now I feel terrible.

I've been having so many flashbacks and at this point I feel so humiliated by my main and most recent abuser. I feel like everything I did was used against me. For example I secretly like looking up celebrity gossip...and my ex said he secretly wanted to be a TMZ celeb reporter. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but there are so many instances of things like this where I am just now beginning to realize all the psychological/emotional manipulation that was going on. He pretended to be a christian, and he always pretended to 'help' me, but I feel like deep down he was just using me for laughs or something. I don't even know though because he always said (and still tries to call and say) he loves me and I am now realizing that he was trying to make it look like we were meant to be together. But then he would torture me, and I just feel so hurt and upset and unable to express it at all the same time!!

I think back about having a gun held to my head, about being raped repeatedly, and especially how scared I was to be able to even think of leaving. I am so angry right now!!! I have never felt any of these emotions before so far, and I feel like my PTSD is getting worse the more I try to confront it.

Can anyone offer me any help or advice?

I am trying so hard to forgive this guy (along with other people in my life who have abused me) but I just keep getting angry. Is this part of the grieving process? Any helps appreciated....maybe I am focusing on the things aside from the trauma? I don't know, but I always hear people talk about how emotional damage is even worse a lot of times...

 

[Iam]

HI Sassyfras,

When we start to confront our trauma/s it does get tougher for awhile. All the buried emotions come spilling out and on to everything. It can skew our perceptions. Anger is most definitely part of the grieving process. For me, I tend to turn my anger onto myself and internalize it which causes depression. It is much better to get it out in a controlled way that doesn't hurt you or anyone else.

You didn't say, are you in therapy right now? I hope so. A good therapist will help you to traverse this bomb laiden field that is PTSD. I've been told it gets harder before it gets better and I am finding that statement to be true. There are good days/weeks and bad days/weeks. When it gets really overwhelming I have to take a break from the processing and focus on more positive things like working on coping skills or setting an exercise plan up. Right now my T and I are trying nutritional supplements. It seems 2 steps forward and 1 back.....but the overall is progress.

Glad you are here. Read the articles, chat with people here and ask questions. Someone invariably will have experience with what you are posting.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[sassyfras]

Thank you so much! I have read a lot of your posts and I must say I already have looked up to you from what I had read so to see you respond to my post makes me feel I have hope! :) lol...I have been in therapy about a month. My therapist is great so far, shes still in an "internship" phase, but has been a life coach for 7 years. I almost feel like the fact she's new adds to the spirit and enthusiasm of her approaches and she knows the most recent therapy strategies ( i believe anyway). I do think my perceptions are pretty skewed. It seems like anything and everything triggers me right now (like even a doorstop, remembering that there was doorstop in the same room at the time of the rape brings on mild dissociation ughhhhhh) hopefully its VERY temporary because at others times I've done quite well. I sometimes am afraid I'm rushing the process of healing to get it over with, but I guess all things take time...thank you so much for your words :)

 

[Iam]

You are very welcome ;o) Your comments are very uplifting to me as well!

 

[sassyfras]

definitely! At the moment I am having trouble with dissociation...how do you deal with bring yourself back to earth?? I am just beginning to tell when I dissociate and am starting to somewhat identify my triggers. How do you overcome the sense of hope/helplessness? I just want to feel again. I was also told during my rapes to "just go somewhere else in your head..." and it makes me so resentful, how do I overcome that?? ahh I wish I would just wake up one day and everything would be but a dream

 

[Iam]

OH how I know that feeling of wishing it would all just not be true. I don't dissociate very often. I have read that putting a rubberband around your wrist and snapping it when you feel yourself dissociating can help ground you. Or holding something frozen in your hand. I know that when it happens to me I am so freaking exhausted afterwards and totally caved in. I try to remember when I am in that dark hole that this too shall pass and the light will shine again. Sometimes it is so bad that I have to reach out to someone so they can help me. That, for me is almost impossible to do. Typing things out helps me to process thru tough times as well.

There are articles on dissociation here. Take a look at them, you may find some helpful hints there.

I'm off to bed. Going for a nice ride on my horses with friends tomorrow!

 

[sassyfras]

Thank you again!

Good luck with the horses, I love riding :) it reminds me of being a carefree kid and is absolutely breathtaking! Are you going to do any barrel racing? Have a good time, and again, thanks for your help, it is much appreciated.

J

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sassyfras,

I can relate to what you and Iam were writing and it is really hard to deal with the emotions associated with the abuse. But the good news is, it can be done and it takes time.

You post indicated your abuser still tries to contact you. Do you have all of the necessary safety measures in place? Please be careful as they can seem so charming, sorry and "willing to change"; but it is just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

There is a lot of good information here and so many people you can relate to. It is just nice not to be alone and have some support.

Look forward to "hearing" from you.

ITL

 

[sassyfras]

Hey ITL,

Yes it is pretty tough indeed, when the sensory overloading kicks in and a flashback starts up I just feel so powerless against it. I am REALLY trying to make sure I face everything and not completely hold it inside of me, but it's so hard to do when there's people around (even close friends) because of the strong emotions tied to everything.

My abuser doesn't live in the same city as me, he's about 300 miles away, so I take some relief in the fact that 'barrier' is there. You hit the nail on the head with the whole 'charming' bit. Since my last therapy session though, I have felt nothing but ANGER like I want to rip his face off!!! I feel like the more I learn about myself, the more I also learn about the abuse, and vice versa. It's ridiculously painful.

At this point I have basically realized I am dealing with someone who is delusional, obsessive and I think if I lived in the same city, this borderline stalking would be so much worse. He thinks inside of his head that one day we'll be together again, and he just doesn't understand its OVER and has been OVER. My T said to have absolutely no contact whatsoever, which is what I am doing, and sticking with. There's been an email or 2, but even that is now ending. Deep down, I really am terrified he will come back and "get me." My T said that is probably unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely, and if I don't talk to him, he can't threaten me now can he? lol. My new found anger seems to be kicking in to rid myself of this monster, so right now I am learning to accept it and attempt to scream into some pillows or rip up useless things or do something to not let the anger out on myself or family/friends.

This forum is great :) I feel like I'm not crazy! I feel like I'm not the only one dealing with this!! My T says that this forum is a great resource and can/will be very helpful =)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sassyfras,

It is really good that he lives a distance away and your T is absolutely correct about the "no contact". Contact only fuels obsessive behavior.

Sounds like your dealing with the anger and it is good that you are aware of not turning it against yourself or others. It's a tough emotion to deal with and in the case of abuse, it builds over a period of time.

You're definitely not alone and this site is a great resource and support.

ITL

 

[sassyfras]

I appreciate all the help :) I looked at one of your posts and saw you had a similar post that was about ending unhealthy relationships...and it is hard. Thankfully I saw your post at just the right time! I had gotten a call from my ex, and was tempted to call him back (could I be any STUPIDER!!??) but when I saw your reply, I immediately checked myself back down to earth and was able to realize what's best for ME.

I am starting to realize a lot of this is about CONTROL. Not just an abuser trying to still control me, but about me being able to control myself, to realize and become aware of my symptoms (which have been in full force all weekend aside from just about 20 minutes ago, and I'm still feeling good=D hope it lasts!)

Then i can hopefully, one day, be better!

 

[sassyfras]

Well this is pretty opposite of my last post. I just had my abuser text me and I am now in utter hysterics crying and screaming, alone in my house. This is sucky.