So Confused!

[GWhizz]

So I have been diagnosed with dissociation.

In trying to wrap my head around it and actually accept it, I sought some clarification from my T recently.

A few weeks ago I disclosed a lot of trauma details to her. Last week we discussed the impact that may have had. She was saying how her opinion of me hasn't changed etc except she's not so sure on the dissociation now. I was too anxious in therapy last week to speak much so I didn't question her. But now I'm left really confused.

I mean I blank out and lose huge chunks of time, cut while dissociated, even "shoplifted" while zoned out, amongst many other embarrassing things. My partner knows I regress and act out like a child etc and when triggered eg. during intimacy etc, I totally cut off.

Now I'm wondering whether I made a huge mistake disclosing. I mean, how can me telling her about my major traumas change her opinion on dissociation? Or is it that I questioned it recently?

I'm not particularly seeking answers here. I know I need to discuss it with her next week. I guess I'm just venting here a little as it's really weighing on me the past few days. I mean, I was finally getting to a place of greater self understanding and working on strategies to decrease episodes and cope with it when it happens. But now I feel as if I'm back to just feeling plain crazy.

 

[Justmehere]

Could it be that she's simply unsure about the degree of dissociation that you experience? Rather than that you dissociate or not? Everyone dissociates to some degree, even those without PTSD. Did you ask her why she is unsure now?

You are not crazy. :hug: If what you have been doing is working that's a huge positive sign to keep at it.

 

[Kintsugi]

When you sought clarification, what did she say?

When I first met my T, I was extremely touchy about feeling like I had to "prove" my PTSD to her. Now, where dissociation is concerned, she's so good at catching me in the act, it's infuriating. She cuts through my dissociation in seconds these days (I think? ;)), suddenly quipping, "And you're gone." She notices it before I do, and it's scary.

I think what I'm trying to say is that sometimes our Ts can see things that we don't think are obvious but might be obvious to them. Even people who have known me for years sometimes can't tell when I dissociate. And I'm glad. I tend to do it whenever I reach what I call my "emotional ceiling," which means pretty much any confrontation in addition to any really emotionally charged subject, which can be hurtful if a friend is expressing displeasure with one of my qualities or they're talking about something really emotional. My T, though? She sees straight through me.

 

[GWhizz]

I'm honestly not sure what she was thinking. We have talked about levels of dissociation. Normal dissociative daydreaming that everyone experiences at points in their lives and dissociative disorders.

When I asked her to clarify she talked about my zoning out. But I don't think she is too sure on it herself. I have dissociative amnesia but I'm not sure she believes that's a real thing. My problem was that I felt like saying I dissociate was a bit of a cop-out, ie blaming bad behaviour on dissociation. But I understand it's involuntary. I was actually seeking her to explain for me how I could check out and not remember. Because it's especially problematic for me caring for my 2 young boys. She is the one who diagnosed me with PTSD and dissociation. That's why I'm so confused now. I don't understand myself and wanted her to help me with that but maybe I just raised questions for her.

 

[Kintsugi]

You know, I'm not really sure if whether your dissociating and doing stuff like shoplifting is really that important in terms of "Is this real dissociation, or is this an excuse?"

I say that because dissociation is one of if not my most prominent symptom set, and it is also the symptom set of which I am most fond. I'm quite attached to my ability to dissociate, even though it is so pervasive in my life and messes up so much for me day-to-day.

My T always reminds me that I don't have to let go of dissociation completely. I just have to work towards claiming control over it, so it doesn't happen when it's detrimental to me. I would think this would be the same for you, and it doesn't really matter so much what your dissociation looks like so much as it matters that you can target that out-of-control, broken coping mechanism and gain control over it. In that sense, whatever forms of dissociation you experience, you can work toward a goal that is nevertheless the same. Does that make sense?

 

[Justmehere]

I can see why you are feeling mixed up and seems like she didn't explain it too well. I'd suggest you talk to her more about it, including the feelings of invalidation that this has stirred up.

Dissociation is somewhat involuntary - it's a little like a panic attack being involuntary. It is a brain/body response that is somewhat out of our control, but we are responsible (legally and otherwise) for our behvaior while dissociated and responsible to do everything we can to manage it - and it sounds like you are trying to find a way to manage it. I struggle with dissociation and dissociative amnesia myself and it's hard to not feel crazy when first trying to get on top of it, but you are not crazy at all. It's not like you are choosing to dissociate.

I've been in an absent minded / dissociated state and accidentally walked out of a store with something I did pay for, so I can see how someone would walk out without paying in a manner that's totally unintentional.

I can see a possible situation where a therapist might not emphasize the diagnosis of they were a little concerned about the client not taking responsibility to manage the symptom but using it as an excuse, but that doesn't seem quite like what's happening here.

Two ways dissociation can be managed is through grounding skills and trigger planning. Something important to remember about grounding skills is to practice, practice, practice them when not dissociated/triggered. With trigger planning, sometimes people can figure out not just what brings it on and warning signs - both internal and external - that can cue us to know its time to ground in advance of the symptom (panic attack or dissociation). Mindfulness skills also help a lot of people too.

Boundary setting and containment skills can also be important. Dissociation is a way to set a boundary between us and stressful people/situations or internal emotional states. Boundaries with others and increasing distress tolerance skills with ourselves can reduce the vulnerability to spacing out or dissociating.

Being a parent of two young kiddos is super hard in and of itself - you are taking some good steps to figure it out and I hope you and your therapist are able to talk this through so you are on the same page and can find some good ways to manage it.

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you both for your help. Apologies for not replying. I honestly have been in a total fog this past week so I'm not even going to attempt one! Finding it hard to process much at all. Half of me feels like giving up bothering in therapy right now. Going to just try push on and get through the next few days.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Finding it hard to process much at all. Half of me feels like giving up bothering in therapy right now. Going to just try push on and get through the next few days.

Hang in there, G! We know how hard it is sometimes to just. process. one. more. thing. No pressure to reply here, just take it easy.

That said, I would still really encourage you to keep pushing through this in therapy. It sounds like a difficult conversation, but, ya know isn't that why we go to f*cking therapy in the first place? So, if you feel like you have a good relationship with your therapist, to me that's golden, so I say, stick with it. On the other hand, if you're just saying that you need a break from the topic, by all means, tell your T you need a break.

Either way, take special care of yourself.