Social isolation questions

[JustBe]

If I don't count being on here, I regularly go a week or more without speaking or interacting with people except for the odd phone call or hello to a neighbor while walking the dogs. That is my normal.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I've always isolated myself, as a little tike and now as a middle-aged person. I don't have children, and I'm not close to my immediate family, emotionally or geographically. I don't subscribe to any dogmatic religion, so that hampers some possibilities.

I do have a lot of hobbies, but, I'm finding now that I need to get out.

I don't think going to gym will work for me, but I've toyed with the idea of taking a dance class. A little over a week ago, a creative soul I see sometimes on my cig break mentioned that she goes to the local Unitarian church. Several times a month they do a creative activity, other times environmental groups come in to inform us of local causes. It was a huge step for me, but I went two weeks ago for a get-together to make medicine bags. Though I wasn't all together confortable, it was nice to be doing something creative with other folks who weren't related to my workplace. I'm going to keep my eye open to other events that they might host.

I consider myself a "sociable loner" -- I agree with others' comments about quality over quantity.

Best to all.

 

[Raj]

I learned other than a "safe" user name on a forum I really don't trust well any more. Between seeing people suffering as a volunteer emergency responder years ago (along with my own suffering) and seeing cruelty to children and animals as a "Dog Cop". I feel safe at home and choose to go out when absolutely "required". In a cocoon of family.

As a kid I was either running from bullies or hiding from bullies due to a birth defect and seizures. That led to an autistic like personality of talking way too much or not talking at all!
Friends are for people who want to get used and abused in my experience. I do admit having one real friend in my entire life besides my wife.

 

[aka]

This is what isolation is all about. Question did I clean my house did I do anything today and pat yourself on the back.

Thanks tb, I do need to remember all the accomplishments I make even if I am isolating myself. Though I do sometimes find isolation to be healthy for me in that it allows me to sort of "recharge". Other times I start having really negative intrusive thoughts which make me miserable. So I don't think all isolation is bad just the times I am in emotional turmoil with no one to talk to.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hugs if you accept aka. I hear what you are saying. I am learning from this thread thanks.

 

[aka]

Hug accepted tb thanks :)

 

[Grace511]

I am also very socially isolated. I am very active in my church and feel I can be myself around the people there. They know nothing about my PTSD but some of them know about the dysfunction in my family. I feel safe and comfortable around them.

Now, put me in a crowded mall or grocery store and my anxiety goes through the roof. I do not like going to places like that but I try and force myself so I can get over the fear and anxiety. I also do not like meeting new people. I have all of 2 friends my age, both of whom I see a few times a month.

I work at a dry cleaners and deal with people on a constant basis but I avoid making eye contact with the majority of them. I have gotten to know quite a few of the regulars and feel somewhat comfortable with them and make small talk sometimes, but its usually just the women I do this with. I usually avoid eye contact with men.

People always tell me I need to go out and meet new people, the idea of that scares me to death. In college I was very quiet and didn't talk to anyone nor did I make new friends.

 

[saffy]

Hi All

I like to feel now that there is no pressure on me to be part of a social group.

I realised that all my chasing and trying was all based on what I thought I should do rather than what I wanted to do.

I latched onto to people out of this need to not be seen as 'billy no mates' or to be rejected. I would fit in with what they liked and left my own needs and interests behind in case they rejected me. I would sit and worry about if they liked me and what I could do to be always nice and accommodating, but again this was to avoid rejection.

I found that I had no identity. What did I like? What were my views and opinions on things? Why do I feel I have to please everyone all the time only to find that the people I was worried about where not the people I thought they were.

Because I had no identity or the assertiveness to disagree or look after my own needs I only attracted people who were controlling, selfish and manipulative. Of course they were quite happy with a quiet yes girl with no demands or personal interests.

What was I thinking. In my quest to feel like I should fit in with something I forgot about my own needs and integrity.

I also started to wonder why I was so worried about getting rejected by people like that? Actually if I am honest with myself I like to have my own space and I like to do a lot of things on my own. It is nice to share, but I have realised that I must attract people who respects my own interests. This is what makes us compatible.

So, If I like rock blues music, I would look for those who liked the same, at least it would give us something in common to talk about. But I also had to realise that not everyone is going to like me and that I should not expect to like everyone either.

I had to slow down and discover what type of person I like and do not like. I had to listen to my feelings instead of worrying about theirs. I had to state my own needs instead of only looking after theirs. I had to start expecting them to treat me well and to be considerate and not to make me feel bad about myself.

With these basic standards of care I could go out with less inner dialogue of worry and more of a present feeling of what I want and need. If the person I met did not make me feel happy and safe they just were not the kind of person I was compatible with and visa versa.

I also had to realise that just because we were not compatible it was because they had their own needs to feel and They can make the same choice as me. That does not make me unworthy or that something is wrong with me or that I had done something wrong, that would be turning my feelings against myself.

I even started to think in a way to boost myself esteem that actually there is something wrong with them because I know I am a good person to know and would treat them with respect and dignity and consideration as an individual.

I found that by taking of the pressure I could slow down and found myself more at peace with myself and the world.

Best wishes
Saffy :)