Childhood Sold

[Casey_03]

I'm so sorry @Stickler I don't have any words that will be of much comfort, and I don't even know what to say. Except that reading this has made me cry and I feel deeply for you, so you must not be worthless. If it's any consolation, you don't have to be strong, you already are strong. You just don't see it right now.

 

[corvidae]

i've read all this as well. and what can really be said? you are cared for and about here...and, more importantly, heard.

take gentle care.

 

[void]

Back again...

I am really disgusted at myself for being poor...for making horrible life decisions. Fo...

I am dissin' big time reading this thread....not quite sure why???...hmmmmm
Will have to explore that.(starts navel-gazing*:laugh:)
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@Stickler

The reason you(all) hate yourself is because of your style of attachment(which was forced upon you(all))

As a child you could not hate/reject your Dad because doing so would have destroyed you(all)......AND SO to survive at all, you(all) HAD NO CHOICE but to hate/reject yourself.

Do you see?

The self-loathing/hatred has enormous emotional energy(it is Fight energy) and it has been re-directed away from Dad toward You(all).
This is why it is so intense.

I face(d) the same.:(
It is sooooo awful.:(

The energy of self-hatred is trapped within and it needs to be dissipated...discharged. Imagine the relief when it's gone.
This is what I'm trying to address.
It's slow but effective.

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

I can't for a second imagine what it's like to have gone through what you went through as a child. As a vulnerable, innocent child.

But I am worthless? I am ashamed of myself? I hate myself? That's stuff I do know about. It's toxic all-consuming residue from what was done to us. What should never have been done to us.

But we keep working at it. One day, we get to a point where we are able to hate the right people, our abusers, instead of ourselves. One day, we figure out what the rest of the world can already see: you are a courageous survivor, with nothing to be ashamed of. You were an innocent child, and you survived the unthinkable - that's something to be immensely proud of.

 

[Stickler]

@Casey_03 sorry to upset you, hon.
Did not mean to.

Mom told me I really needed to get a job when i was driving her to her gastro appointment and I had a panic attack. Shook for a while. Got a bit dissociated.

More stupid shit I am irrationally afraid of to add to the long list of other stupid shit I am irrationally afraid of.

The top of the head is sore. I have been hitting it a lot. I think I am growing calculi on the top of the head. I got pecked in the forehead by an injured heron and grew a calculus, a little boney lump.
The whole top of the head feels sore and lumpy now.

I hate myself.

Regarding the party...I just feel cold.
It didn't matter.
It does not matter.
There is nothing I can change about it.
Getting upset about what happened does not help me get a job. It doesn't matter. Feelings don't matter.
I can feel my feelings and not make my deadline...( dead line ) or I can suck it up and deal.

Hmm...I could just hand over the house and my animals to my brother and go be homeless. Let the bank take my car back.
I could do that...
Maybe I should?
I will consider it.

 

[corvidae]

homelessness presents its own unique set of obstacles (speaking as one who has been there). intending no shame with that statement, OK?

surely, with the help of the good people here, we could help you brainstorm a few other solutions?

 

[KeepingTime]

I was worth more as a prepubescent body.

I can relate more than I care to. My dad "rented" me out too. Probably from the age of 5. I don't know if there was monetary exchange but I know I was "exchanged" many times.

"And tomorrow I will suck it up and not feel this..." Oh yeah...everyday.
I can tell myself it didn't happen...it doesn't matter and will function as required. T says this is how I tuck it all back in and put my armor back on before I leave a session.

This thread was really hard for me to read...took me a couple of days. So much pain and too close to my front door.