but I know I'm not going to go out and get it. It's taken me 8 years to completely isolate myself. There's no one in my life that can ever hurt me again, except myself. Left alone with my own self-hatred, I can only sink further into this hole. I go outside for two reasons, food and alcohol. The rest of the time I just try to idly fill my time with not thinking or highly fantasized day dreaming. Sleeping is so hard, I don't even know if blacking out counts as sleep. I woke up this morning and the glass panel in my shower is smashed, I have a huge gash on one of my legs, and a few bruises on the other. I wish I had some iodine just to feel that burn, but all I have is that ouch-free stuff to disinfect the gash. I don't really feel human anymore, and I think I'm just bothering everyone by posting, I don't even have confidence that my problems are worthy of being problems...so ya I'll probably just lurk around.
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Some Days I Realize I Need Help...
- Post starter punch
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Hi Punch and welcome to the forum. You are bothering anyone by posting. We're all here to support each other in healing our traumas. Obviously I don't know what caused you to isolate yourself so completely. From what you've posted I assume that you are not currently seeing a therapist? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? If so you are in the right place. If you haven't been diagnosed the information here might help you, but only a qualified therapist can dx you.
Look ( or lurk ;)) around a bit and share as you start to feel comfortable. The only way any of us can offer you support is if we know a little about what happened to you and what symptoms you struggle with. Many here struggle with using alcohol or drugs to numb themselves. While ultimately it is an ineffective coping strategy, you won't be judged here. You will however receive honest feedback which you can choose to receive or not ;o)
Welcome, I wish you the best!
Look ( or lurk ;)) around a bit and share as you start to feel comfortable. The only way any of us can offer you support is if we know a little about what happened to you and what symptoms you struggle with. Many here struggle with using alcohol or drugs to numb themselves. While ultimately it is an ineffective coping strategy, you won't be judged here. You will however receive honest feedback which you can choose to receive or not ;o)
Welcome, I wish you the best!
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- #3
I was diagnosed, medicated, and put into therapy for a year. I was married to a guy who'd threaten to kill himself every time I tried to get out of the relationship, and eventually he did kill himself, right in front of me. Therapy doesn't do me much good, I just can't open up. The drugs were even worse. I'm such an addict, and I couldn't control that. I was being given Seroquel because I was having night terrors and horrible insomnia. When I felt it wasn't working it soon went to Seroquel, and coke. I've given both those things up, but I can't seem to quit substance abuse, so I've just replaced that with alcohol. Sometimes I'll have panic attacks if I can't get something to alter my state of mind, just thinking about having to feel like this all the time is scary.
Wow Punch....what you've been through sounds horrible. You are very strong to have survived it. You're story sounds very much like some of the other members here on the forum. Panic attacks and anxiety are hallmarks of PTSD as you well know. I understand what you meant about opening up in therapy (in fact I would bet almost everyone here struggles with it). Part of it is lack of trust and I know for me much of that inability to open up came from fear. I've been in intense therapy 2x a week for over 2 years now. It took my primary T over 6 months before he determined and I accepted that I had PTSD. Even so, I couldn't access my emotions or discuss the things that had happened to me over my life. He is not a trauma therapist and suggested I try EMDR. I found a therapist who specializes in trauma and does EMDR and started with her over a year ago and still see my primary T.
Just 2 weeks ago my trauma T did a formal evaluation and we found that I no longer fit the criteria for PTSD! Not that I won't always have to be aware of my triggers, thoughts and emotions, but I am virtually symptom free now! These last 2 years in therapy has been the hardest thing I have ever done. There were many times, more than I care to count, that I wanted to just give up. The struggle has been worth it though. There is no way my primary T could have led me through this himself. For me, EMDR was the key to being able to access emotions as well as memories that I had completely suppressed. Not fun at all, but for the first time in my life I feel whole. I still have work to do, but I know now that I will be able to complete it.
You may have had the wrong therapist either because you didn't fully trust and connect with him/her or because your T was using a therapy technique that didn't work for you. CBT is widely thought to be the most effective therapy for PTSD, but most of us need more than that. Talk therapy and CBT in conjunction with EMDR made the difference for me. Others have said tapping or DBT along with CBT have helped them. In all cases.....therapy takes the right connection between client and T and takes time, lots of time. Guess all that is to say don't give up on therapy. You won't really be able to start to deal with your PTSD until you get sober though. A good therapist can help you do that as well and maybe a 12 step group? I guess the main question is.......do you really want to get better and have a life again? If you do....with lots and lots of work you can do it.
Just 2 weeks ago my trauma T did a formal evaluation and we found that I no longer fit the criteria for PTSD! Not that I won't always have to be aware of my triggers, thoughts and emotions, but I am virtually symptom free now! These last 2 years in therapy has been the hardest thing I have ever done. There were many times, more than I care to count, that I wanted to just give up. The struggle has been worth it though. There is no way my primary T could have led me through this himself. For me, EMDR was the key to being able to access emotions as well as memories that I had completely suppressed. Not fun at all, but for the first time in my life I feel whole. I still have work to do, but I know now that I will be able to complete it.
You may have had the wrong therapist either because you didn't fully trust and connect with him/her or because your T was using a therapy technique that didn't work for you. CBT is widely thought to be the most effective therapy for PTSD, but most of us need more than that. Talk therapy and CBT in conjunction with EMDR made the difference for me. Others have said tapping or DBT along with CBT have helped them. In all cases.....therapy takes the right connection between client and T and takes time, lots of time. Guess all that is to say don't give up on therapy. You won't really be able to start to deal with your PTSD until you get sober though. A good therapist can help you do that as well and maybe a 12 step group? I guess the main question is.......do you really want to get better and have a life again? If you do....with lots and lots of work you can do it.
Lady of Longbourn
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Welcome to the forum, Punch. :)
Sorry to hear your story. It's terrible what you have been through. I know right now you feel like being alone. I do think it's hard to trust people. It would be nice as others suggested if you could find someone to help you. However, when you are ready.
Although, you are managing your life right now, if you do decide to make a change you might find it will help. As lam suggested by her story that it was painful going through what she did--but she found it very beneficial. Sometimes no pain no gain.
Trust is a hard thing, but as humans we do tend to need other people oddly enough for emotional well being. However, when a person has been hurt as much as you have it may not seem like that.
I don't have PTSD I'm a carer, but I sort of have found my own way to cope with my own trust issues. I have what I call level relationships. For instance, people that I'm friendly with say "hi" to are on Level 1. People that I can talk a little about myself are Level 2. Very few people get to Level 4 which is me being able to be my true self around them. In order for someone to get up the levels I have to know them for a long time. I will say something personal and see if they repeat it to someone else etc in Level 1 stage.
I have gotten hurt, but it's not that bad to lose a Level 1 person. It really has helped me to still be able to trust just a handful of people. This takes time. Friendship takes lots of time to really watch and observe that person. Maybe that would work with a Therapist as well.
In your situation you may not be ready to take that leap of faith right now.
Although, you are managing your life right now, if you do decide to make a change you might find it will help. As lam suggested by her story that it was painful going through what she did--but she found it very beneficial. Sometimes no pain no gain.
Trust is a hard thing, but as humans we do tend to need other people oddly enough for emotional well being. However, when a person has been hurt as much as you have it may not seem like that.
I don't have PTSD I'm a carer, but I sort of have found my own way to cope with my own trust issues. I have what I call level relationships. For instance, people that I'm friendly with say "hi" to are on Level 1. People that I can talk a little about myself are Level 2. Very few people get to Level 4 which is me being able to be my true self around them. In order for someone to get up the levels I have to know them for a long time. I will say something personal and see if they repeat it to someone else etc in Level 1 stage.
I have gotten hurt, but it's not that bad to lose a Level 1 person. It really has helped me to still be able to trust just a handful of people. This takes time. Friendship takes lots of time to really watch and observe that person. Maybe that would work with a Therapist as well.
In your situation you may not be ready to take that leap of faith right now.
- Post starter
- #7
Thank you for the responses! I just really don't think I want any help right now, sometimes I don't feel like I don't deserve it. Like I said, I just don't feel like I'll open up and that just makes me feel bad for wasting an hour or so that someone else could be getting help. I do think I need to socialize a bit, so I have socialized for the day, yay me :P
I understand Punch. It does take work to open up.Therapy isn't going to do much until you are at the point that you're willing to put in the work it requires. You will get there eventually. Most of us don't feel we deserve help or to be happy. I for one freak out about asking for help......makes me feel way too vulnerable. YOU DO DESERVE IT though. You are special and meant to have a happy fulfilling life. I'm glad that you are reaching out here and btw, that takes courage and you wouldn't do it if you didn't want some help :p heehee!
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
- Post starter
- #9
It's funny, you are right in a way, I just don't want anything interferring with my self-medicating, I looooooooove self medicating its so much fun! All relationships I have are horror stories of misunderstandings that self medicating seems like the ultimate way to get away with everything!!! Don't have to open up, don't have to do anything, other than convince yourself that the other party involved is out to get you....which they are. I spent 7 years in the stupidest relationship ever and after him it just seems pointless to interact with other people. I don't know whose more of a victim, the people who will otherwise end up with me or the people I'll just delegate to stupid errand person that gets in a relationship with me.
Welcome!! I hope you hang out here long enough to get to know that some of us are oh so similar :) And feel free to lurk in the chat room as well, where we support eachother, argue with eachother, and generally discuss ridiculous things (and sometimes our trauma). I lurked here for a long time too, before joining in. And the best thing ever is that you get to see that most of us are a little nuts, we're quite terrified of "opening up", we feel like we're not worthy...of anything, and sometimes we like to just grumble, or cry or laugh or swear or do all four together because, hey, emotional regulation isn't one of the strong suits of PTSDers. And it's anonymous, so what better way is there to start socializing and testing the waters? Anyway, welcome aboard. We love getting to know new people, if and when you're ready :)
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