My husband is an Iraq Vet with PTSD. I myself have symptoms but have been diagnosed with other things so far.
I'm writing here to share how things have improved since I joined this forum, and would love it if some others can share the same. This is more a short term success story so that's why I didn't put it in the actual success stories thread.
I wrote an introduction here, when I was at wits end not long ago. I was waiting to see if anything would change. It had only been 2 months since we started couples counseling at the VA, and he started going to the VA hospital, got on different medications, and quit drinking.
Counseling only seemed to make both of us want to nit pick what is wrong in the marriage. Which only caused more stress and trust issues. Until it came to a head recently. It got worse before it got ANY better.
I had finally broken down and told him I was giving serious thought to leaving him. I had actually started looking for an apartment I could afford on my own. That I couldn't take much more of the same without some effort on his behalf to change. I accepted he would never be the man I married, but that while I am supportive of him, and have always been supportive, I too needed something in return. Of all the things he has done I could've/should've left him over, I stuck by him. I never threatened to leave him. I explained that I ask very little of him, to help ME deal with his PTSD. I had to explain just how difficult it can be to be the carer, one with her own issues I might add.
I told him how I felt about the idea of us ending. How I would be devastated. But I felt, and KNEW he'd move on, go back to the life he had before our family. Easily. That he'd be happier without the stress of our marriage and family on his back.
I had to tell him all of this because it had come to the point where every single time conversations turned into arguments he'd rush to "it's over" almost effortlessly. I understood why he did it after joining this forum, but it didn't stop the restriction I began to feel when I wanted to even talk to him. Fearing it'd be another threat of it being over. I couldn't handle having to brace myself every time things got heated.
I had to tell him I was having a hard time figuring out if I truly am still in love or if I'm just codependent myself. That maybe we didn't realize that marriage counseling doesn't magically make us better, that it gets worse, it brings a lot of the negative out in the open, and forces us to deal, while still trying to hold on to the love.
And since I had this talk with him, things have actually changed so much.
He's taking notice of when I need affection. He asks me if I want a hug, randomly. He's getting better at a lot of the difficult issues we've had in the last few months. There's been minor frustrations on both our parts, but for once it wasn't really with each other.
I've also been better with boundaries. learning how to pick my battles.
In the past, when I wouldn't hesitate to argue when he'd say something offensive, I'm learning how to tell him right away when he's doing something that hurts my feelings so he can realize it and stop.
He's still doing well with not drinking, and is still attending meetings at the VA, and making sure he's taking his meds. His anger has subsided a lot since they changed his meds.
Again, it's only been noticably different since I had that talk with him, so it's barely been 2 weeks. But it's been a great 2 weeks. So I wanted to share, and maybe hear about others and when you remember seeing a turn around in the positive direction.
I realize this is an UP, and there will continue to be more downs, but after months and months of just downs I feel like I can relax a little, like we can finally help each other, and not just me helping him.
I'm writing here to share how things have improved since I joined this forum, and would love it if some others can share the same. This is more a short term success story so that's why I didn't put it in the actual success stories thread.
I wrote an introduction here, when I was at wits end not long ago. I was waiting to see if anything would change. It had only been 2 months since we started couples counseling at the VA, and he started going to the VA hospital, got on different medications, and quit drinking.
Counseling only seemed to make both of us want to nit pick what is wrong in the marriage. Which only caused more stress and trust issues. Until it came to a head recently. It got worse before it got ANY better.
I had finally broken down and told him I was giving serious thought to leaving him. I had actually started looking for an apartment I could afford on my own. That I couldn't take much more of the same without some effort on his behalf to change. I accepted he would never be the man I married, but that while I am supportive of him, and have always been supportive, I too needed something in return. Of all the things he has done I could've/should've left him over, I stuck by him. I never threatened to leave him. I explained that I ask very little of him, to help ME deal with his PTSD. I had to explain just how difficult it can be to be the carer, one with her own issues I might add.
I told him how I felt about the idea of us ending. How I would be devastated. But I felt, and KNEW he'd move on, go back to the life he had before our family. Easily. That he'd be happier without the stress of our marriage and family on his back.
I had to tell him all of this because it had come to the point where every single time conversations turned into arguments he'd rush to "it's over" almost effortlessly. I understood why he did it after joining this forum, but it didn't stop the restriction I began to feel when I wanted to even talk to him. Fearing it'd be another threat of it being over. I couldn't handle having to brace myself every time things got heated.
I had to tell him I was having a hard time figuring out if I truly am still in love or if I'm just codependent myself. That maybe we didn't realize that marriage counseling doesn't magically make us better, that it gets worse, it brings a lot of the negative out in the open, and forces us to deal, while still trying to hold on to the love.
And since I had this talk with him, things have actually changed so much.
He's taking notice of when I need affection. He asks me if I want a hug, randomly. He's getting better at a lot of the difficult issues we've had in the last few months. There's been minor frustrations on both our parts, but for once it wasn't really with each other.
I've also been better with boundaries. learning how to pick my battles.
In the past, when I wouldn't hesitate to argue when he'd say something offensive, I'm learning how to tell him right away when he's doing something that hurts my feelings so he can realize it and stop.
He's still doing well with not drinking, and is still attending meetings at the VA, and making sure he's taking his meds. His anger has subsided a lot since they changed his meds.
Again, it's only been noticably different since I had that talk with him, so it's barely been 2 weeks. But it's been a great 2 weeks. So I wanted to share, and maybe hear about others and when you remember seeing a turn around in the positive direction.
I realize this is an UP, and there will continue to be more downs, but after months and months of just downs I feel like I can relax a little, like we can finally help each other, and not just me helping him.
