hey guys honestly I dont even know if this is the right place for me since this is my first time here
Ive spent basically a whole day tryin to put all this together and figure out how the hell Im even supposed to explain myself
I get really mixed up with the order of things and when I write too much I start forgettin parts of what happened so Ive been writin little pieces and savin them until I finally got a version that feels like the closest thing to how I actually am
Im not really good at explainin myself and Ive never really liked askin anyone for help either
when I was younger I had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist
he gave me an injection that made me lose my memory for a really long time
ever since that happened Ive had a really bad fear of doctors and I pretty much stopped trustin them (( IM SORRY DR'S ))
Ive never seen a therapist or psychiatrist since then
Ive been dealin with a lot of different problems for a really long time and lately everything has gotten way worse
I dont even know how many things are wrong with me anymore
I just know somethin inside me has been fallin apart for a long time
I spent most of my life runnin from reality cuz reality was f*ckin painful and I got used to keepin everything inside and pretendin I was okay even when I wasnt
Im a foreigner livin in a country thats not my own and Ive been under international protection for more than 10 years
and honestly after all these years I feel like Im already dead
I wake up I close my eyes and thats basically my whole life now
when Im under pressure my speech gets f*cked up too
I stutter I lose my words sometimes I just stop and dont know what the hell I was tryna say
I also struggle with alcohol n nicotine dependence and lately that shit has been gettin harder n harder to control
Ive had suicidal thoughts and Ive tried to end my life before
I barely leave the house anymore....!
most of the time Im in my room stuck inside my own head !
and lately even breathin has started feelin heavy!
when I try to focus my head starts hurtin and I start thinkin about shit that honestly shouldnt even matter to me.
my main work basically got shut down and I lost my main job during covid too!
that was just more shit on top of everything else
Im not tryna diagnose myself or throw some fancy name on all of this
I honestly dont know what label fits me
I just know Im not okay and I know this has gotten way too serious for me to keep pretendin I can handle it alone
and honestly I dont even feel like I fully have myself anymore
its like my body is here but mentally Ive lost so much of who I used to be
I can sit there for hours and feel like Im not even really inside myself!!
sometimes I just stare at the wall or at my screen and dont know what the f*ck Im doin anymore
Im not sayin all this cuz I want money or pity
I dont want anyone feelin sorry for me
I just want u guys to understand that theres a real person behind these words and Im seriously f*ckin tired
everything Im tellin u is real
I have official papers documents photos videos witnesses and other proof for the things Ive been through
I know some of this shit sounds crazy or way too heavy
I know that
thats why Im tellin u I can back up what Im sayin
Im not expectin anybody to blindly believe me
I just dont wanna be treated like Im makin this shit up
I searched all over the internet for a long time until I finally found this community because someone mentioned it somewhere else
and ChatGPT was also the one that told me I should try findin a place where I could actually talk to people instead of stayin completely alone
thats how I ended up here
and honestly somethin changed a little when I found this place
for the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe a little
I kinda feel like Ive got wings again even tho I dont really know where the hell Im goin
I just feel somethin in me comin back slowly
maybe its because I found people here who feel a little like family to me already
I know that sounds weird since Im new here but thats honestly how it feels
cuz nobody really knows what another person is carryin unless theyve been through somethin similar
so I really just wanna be around people who are calm and talk quietly and dont laugh at somebody when theyre already down
I hate when people use f*cked up words against others or disrespect somebody just because theyre different
I dont care what religion somebody follows or what group they belong to or where they come from
I dont wanna get dragged into politics or religious fights
were all human at the end of the day
and honestly I dont even separate animals people n plants like theyre completely different from each other
I feel like theres somethin alive in all of em
so I just wish people would stop destroyin each other for once
and yeah Im sorry if I write way too much or jump from one thing to another
my thoughts dont come out in a straight line anymore
one thing reminds me of another and suddenly Im talkin about somethin completely different
maybe thats cuz Ive spent way too many years alone with my own thoughts
when I write things here they feel huge to me
every word feels like Im pullin somethin heavy out of my chest
sometimes I take a really deep breath and for a second it feels like all that weight is finally leavin me
then a minute later it all closes back up again
I dont really know how else to explain it
Im just tryin to talk
Im not askin anybody to fix me
I just wanna have somewhere I can finally say what Im feelin without havin to hide every broken part of myself
so yeah thats a little about me before I get into the main story
Im gonna keep some of the stuff here and put the rest in my main post for anyone who actually wants to keep readin
just tryna keep the sections organized n clean ! thank you for reading my homie.
Ive spent basically a whole day tryin to put all this together and figure out how the hell Im even supposed to explain myself
I get really mixed up with the order of things and when I write too much I start forgettin parts of what happened so Ive been writin little pieces and savin them until I finally got a version that feels like the closest thing to how I actually am
Im not really good at explainin myself and Ive never really liked askin anyone for help either
when I was younger I had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist
he gave me an injection that made me lose my memory for a really long time
ever since that happened Ive had a really bad fear of doctors and I pretty much stopped trustin them (( IM SORRY DR'S ))
Ive never seen a therapist or psychiatrist since then
Ive been dealin with a lot of different problems for a really long time and lately everything has gotten way worse
I dont even know how many things are wrong with me anymore
I just know somethin inside me has been fallin apart for a long time
I spent most of my life runnin from reality cuz reality was f*ckin painful and I got used to keepin everything inside and pretendin I was okay even when I wasnt
Im a foreigner livin in a country thats not my own and Ive been under international protection for more than 10 years
and honestly after all these years I feel like Im already dead
I wake up I close my eyes and thats basically my whole life now
I deal with serious trauma symptoms nightmares intrusive thoughts anxiety isolation panic mood swings and a lotta other shit that keeps gettin harder to deal with
when Im under pressure my speech gets f*cked up too
I stutter I lose my words sometimes I just stop and dont know what the hell I was tryna say
I also struggle with alcohol n nicotine dependence and lately that shit has been gettin harder n harder to control
Ive had suicidal thoughts and Ive tried to end my life before
I barely leave the house anymore....!
most of the time Im in my room stuck inside my own head !
and lately even breathin has started feelin heavy!
when I try to focus my head starts hurtin and I start thinkin about shit that honestly shouldnt even matter to me.
my main work basically got shut down and I lost my main job during covid too!
that was just more shit on top of everything else
Im not tryna diagnose myself or throw some fancy name on all of this
I honestly dont know what label fits me
I just know Im not okay and I know this has gotten way too serious for me to keep pretendin I can handle it alone
and honestly I dont even feel like I fully have myself anymore
its like my body is here but mentally Ive lost so much of who I used to be
I can sit there for hours and feel like Im not even really inside myself!!
sometimes I just stare at the wall or at my screen and dont know what the f*ck Im doin anymore
Im not sayin all this cuz I want money or pity
I dont want anyone feelin sorry for me
I just want u guys to understand that theres a real person behind these words and Im seriously f*ckin tired
everything Im tellin u is real
I have official papers documents photos videos witnesses and other proof for the things Ive been through
I know some of this shit sounds crazy or way too heavy
I know that
thats why Im tellin u I can back up what Im sayin
Im not expectin anybody to blindly believe me
I just dont wanna be treated like Im makin this shit up
I searched all over the internet for a long time until I finally found this community because someone mentioned it somewhere else
and ChatGPT was also the one that told me I should try findin a place where I could actually talk to people instead of stayin completely alone
thats how I ended up here
and honestly somethin changed a little when I found this place
for the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe a little
I kinda feel like Ive got wings again even tho I dont really know where the hell Im goin
I just feel somethin in me comin back slowly
maybe its because I found people here who feel a little like family to me already
I know that sounds weird since Im new here but thats honestly how it feels
cuz nobody really knows what another person is carryin unless theyve been through somethin similar
so I really just wanna be around people who are calm and talk quietly and dont laugh at somebody when theyre already down
I hate when people use f*cked up words against others or disrespect somebody just because theyre different
I dont care what religion somebody follows or what group they belong to or where they come from
I dont wanna get dragged into politics or religious fights
were all human at the end of the day
and honestly I dont even separate animals people n plants like theyre completely different from each other
I feel like theres somethin alive in all of em
so I just wish people would stop destroyin each other for once
and yeah Im sorry if I write way too much or jump from one thing to another
my thoughts dont come out in a straight line anymore
one thing reminds me of another and suddenly Im talkin about somethin completely different
maybe thats cuz Ive spent way too many years alone with my own thoughts
when I write things here they feel huge to me
every word feels like Im pullin somethin heavy out of my chest
sometimes I take a really deep breath and for a second it feels like all that weight is finally leavin me
then a minute later it all closes back up again
I dont really know how else to explain it
Im just tryin to talk
Im not askin anybody to fix me
I just wanna have somewhere I can finally say what Im feelin without havin to hide every broken part of myself
so yeah thats a little about me before I get into the main story
Im gonna keep some of the stuff here and put the rest in my main post for anyone who actually wants to keep readin
just tryna keep the sections organized n clean ! thank you for reading my homie.
