Somewhere In Here Is The Root Of My Ptsd...

[falling]

Not sure if this is a good idea or just another form of self harm but I'll write in hopes of making myself realize I have been through these traumas and am still here-even if it's a messed up version of myself.

He smells of alcohol but he laughs and sings happily....One for Tanya, one for Lillian, one for Jerry....I stand holding my breath trying to avoid eye contact. Trying not to shake or cry. Trying to go somewhere else within myself.

He lines up the bullets on the table making sure to slam each one to scare me more and it works. His smile grows. One for Tanya...Picks up my bullet and loads the shot gun. The sounds of the gun snapping shut makes me jump. Don't cry. Don't make a sound. Just pretend to be here. Go somewhere else. Focus on the clock behind him. Listen to your heartbeat and zone out.

He laughs and takes a drink. Slams the glass down. Turns up the music. Points the gun at me. Smiles. Pretends to shoot. Bamp. Bamp. I turn and walk towards my room. Holding my breath I can hear him walking after me but my heart beat is so loud. Just concentrate on the heart beat sound and stay inside. He pretends to shoot me again. Bamp. Bamp. His laughter gets louder when I slam my bedroom door. Tonight I will sleep in my closet.

If only I could go back now and know that I could have called the police. If only I could go back and yell at him. Take the gun and shoot him. If only my Mom had done something when I told her. If only I could go back I would have done it so different. I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GO BACK.

 

[franciemarnie]

Somewhere in here is the root of your trauma? I'd say!! Good God, what indescribable terror you must have felt. What torture he put you thru. What suffering. I'd like to go back myself, grab the gun and shoot him!!

I'm so so sorry for what you went thru.

 

[falling]

This is the "homework" portion of my last post.

point form of all your traumas:
-Child physical abuse-Mother
-Child emotional abuse-Mother,Step-father
-Child sexual abuse-Babysitter, Step father friends
-Rape-college
-Physical/emotional abuse-adult

--I guess I am suppose to write about the worst one? I won't do that as I still find it too hard. So I will just chose a different one to start with.



-Emotional abuse-Step-father:

He smells of alcohol but he laughs and sings happily....Tonight I will sleep in my closet.

MOOD Management:

• Monitor mood

What am I feeling?Anger. Sadness. Ashamed. Self-hatred. Suicidal. Anxiety. Panic. Regret.
What Mood am I in?COLD. NUMB.
What effect is my mood having on others?Makes them worried.

• Observe thinking

What have I been saying to myself to feel the way I do?I should have done something different. I hate him. I hate that I allowed it. i hate that my Mother allowed it. I don't want others to know this happened. I can't go on feeling this way. I could find a way to end it by taking pills and going to sleep for hrs or forever. I wish I could go back. I can't end my life cause I have a daughter that it would hurt. I can stop the hurt feelings by doing what I did then and go numb. Go inside.

• Objective thinking

How true is it?I know I cannot go back. I know that if I knew THEN what I know NOW I would have acted differently and protected myself. I know that it is just a memory and it will never happen again. I know that it was wrong. I know I am safe now. I know my daughter is safe. I know there is no real danger right now so there is no reason for the anxiety. I know there is no need to take pills, to end my life. I know I why I go numb but I also know there is no real reason to do it. I know I go numb to stop the negative feelings of the memory.

How useful is this way of thinking?It is no longer useful. I can no longer control when I go numb and I am having trouble feeling the 'good' feelings.

Would others be looking at this in a different way?I didn't ask but I assume some would say NO, cause they would realize it is just a memory and there is no real danger now.

• Decide what to do

What actions should I do to help not to think this way?I DON'T KNOW!
Self-care, relaxation actions, remind myself it is just a memory, anti-d's, I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM.

 

[franciemarnie]

For me - and this is just what helped me - I hit a punching bag over and over and over. I had understandable rage and it felt lodged in my body. That let out some of the steam and that helped my thinking. It was letting my limbic brain know I'm not trapped back there anymore, and it's what I'd have liked to have done at the time - only not with a punching bag! I know you are not asking what to do, but I identify.

I took an hour and a half walk after I read your post. I am so angry (in a good way - not a triggered way) that this happened to you. You were just a kid. How I wish I could be a caped crusader who could slip back thru a wrinkle in time, swoop in and make things "right". What a sick blankety blank.

I'm signing off for the night but I surrounded you with healing light. I don't know if that ever helps anyone, but it's worth a try.

 

[Flyaway]

You and I have been through absolute hell- yet we've survived! I think that says something about the kind of people we are.

FOOK the ASSWIPES that chose to feed their sick, demented appetites to destroy so much good.

I'm on a mission to take their power away. I will educate people. I will fight for the vulnerable. I will fight for my rights, and live my life the best I can... I'm not sure what you've got planned for the rest of your life? But all that strength you've cultivated surviving your nightmare can be used for good.

I hope this perspective gives you a bit of comfort!!!

 

[falling]

Thank you both very much. I feel anything but strong right now. I feel like giving up. I'm just so tired all the time.

But I do appreciate both your kind words and I am comforted knowing there are people like you in this world.

 

[Flyaway]

I know that feeling!!! It just means you need to take time to self care and get LOTS of rest- indulge yourself!!! You WILL heal and move forward!!!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Not sure if this is a good idea or just another form of self harm but I'll write in hopes of making myself realize I have been through these traumas and am still here-even if it's a messed up version of myself.

I recognise that feeling. Like you've lost yourself and you're messed up and the real you is just buried under all the bad memories. But I too believe that the real you is still in there. In fact, I think the real you is right here, writing in this trauma diary. I think that is a great step. Writing about it can be hard and confronting, but it can also really help to clear your head. Getting things straightened out for yourself helps you realise that nothing that happened to you is your fault and that it is not weak, but completely logical that you feel this way. You are fighting back right now, and that is very strong of you.

Please don't give up on yourself, it is hard and painful and extremely tiring, but you can do this. I wish you the best on your journey.

 

[RussH]

You are right, somewhere in there is your trauma, but I would also suggest you will find the road to healing somewhere in there also.

 

[falling]

It takes little bits of happiness away, it makes it so others seem to live in a different world where nail polish color matters and jokes make real laughs, where tmw is hoped for and life isn't a movie...I've been woken up and now I know the truth...and I can't go back to bliss where ignorance keeps us asleep. If I am ever to be me again I'm gonna have to start seeing some daily f*cking miracles because after 20 years of poison...Normal just isn't f*cking normal anymore.

How am I suppose to convince those around me that life is worth it if I can't even convince myself? How am I suppose to sit and make small talk when I really do give a f*ck about what's in the news or the newest show or the reason you had a bad day? How am I suppose to be a friend?Mother?Lover?Sister?Aunt? How am I suppose to keep the energy going to continue the facade? And who am I really trying to convince-them or me?

WHAT is the f*cking point?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

We all wear masks to hide how we really feel every once in a while. The thing that a lot of people are struggling with, however, is where to draw the line between who we are and who we pretend to be. I have a LOT of trouble with that one myself.

But just sometimes I bump into something small that makes me smile for real. Something that inspires me, like people who just do good things for others, without expecting anything in return. For me, those moments are that little push I sometimes need to keep on fighting. Because there still is true beauty in the world and I want to be a part of that. Screw the shallowness, I want to be one of the people who show the world what's truly important in life.

So I guess I'm saying that "convincing" yourself that life is worth it isn't something you accomplish by forcing it on yourself and ignoring the root of the problem. It's something we have to work hard for. And we'll hopefully get increasingly convinced of the beautiful yet tough reality of life on our journey to kick PTSD's butt.

 

[falling]

Thanks for that. I like how you explained it-don't force it but simply keep an eye open for it I guess. Christ this is hard.