Son & daughter question - did I do the right thing?

[somerandomguy]

I almost put this in the Parenting group but I'd rather have opinions from everyone, not just parents.

My son is 12. My daughter is 3. Recently my son expressed an interest in occasionally sleeping in the same bed with my daughter, and my wife was non-committal. When I heard about it, I said no quite forcefully and put my foot down.

My daughter had a history of co-sleeping with her birthmom, and until a few months ago my kids slept in the same room (but not the same bed). Honestly, my main objection is that I don't want my daughter's sleep schedule to get messed up. But of course I also feel like, considering their ages, it's inappropriate.

I feel bad about this - like I'm accusing my son of potentially being a predator. There's absolutely NO reason to think that he'd do anything wrong whatsoever. He's never, ever done anything even close to that. But I'm still going to say no.

Am I overthinking this? Help me, MyPTSD hivemind.

 

[Sideways]

Am I overthinking this?

Nup.

There comes an age when it's not appropriate anymore. Not because he'a a potential child abuser, but because as we shift from being a child, to being an adult (which is a long process, but he's at the start of it), boundaries change. Behaviours need to change.

Opinions will vary on this I reckon, but I think you've made a good call. Clear boundaries are so much easier than, "This isn't okay, except I trust you so in your case it is".

A kid going through the hormonal and psychological mindfk that is puberty and 'what the hell is going on with my body, and why's it different to yours, and why does this feel good'? Sleeps in a different room to the very young, still learning a concept of self kid, where those seperate rooms are available.

Nice and clear. This is where child A is at. This is where child B is at. Kindergarten is different to high school.

 

[Mee]

You did the right thing.

There are ways for them to experience bonding ( once sleep schedule is established) And they are things like camping and watching stars in own sleeping bags, Family sofa snuggles watching movies. Physical closeness is great ! But you are right that it’s disruptive to her sleep cycle and probably to both their emotional well being.


FWIW - my T has mooted my ( non abusive) childhood bed sharing in western society was unhealthy for various reasons - none of which were sexual abuse.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I agree. When I was little, my mom farmed me out to her friends for babysitting. I regularly took baths with a male child who was my age. At some point, I remember asking the mom to let me take a shower by myself. I was still pretty young, but I guess my little self felt weird in the bathtub with the boy. Go with your gut, I guess I did.

 

[Freida]

I think you made the right decision. To much of an age gap and way to risky for her sleep routinr.

I'm wondering tho..why is he asking? It seems an odd request and it makes me wonder if it's a way for him to help her feel safe?

 

[Whirlwind]

He's never, ever done anything even close to that. But I'm still going to say no.

Count me for you did the right thing.

I'm wondering tho..why is he asking?

Good point.

Could just be the two of them can play etc. Another argument for the likelihood of sleep disruption.

However in big pic the age gap is too large, time for him to sleep in his own room/bed.

Maybe get him some new sheets or something special for his "boys" room? Also I would be clear with him why you are saying no so its not a forbidden topic and seems "bad" or weird. They can have future camp outs but day to day is separate sleeping.

Best,

Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

I have a couple of children around ten years apart. You did it right. Good on you for putting your foot down. Start the way you intend to proceed imo.

If the toddler isn't in a strong sleep routine there's no way you want a older child waking her up etc and vice versa.

He's probably into reading books at bed time and has a whole different routine? Mine did.

Btw you don't need to justify it SRG - you're dad and what you say goes. No ptsd stuff here. Just plain common parental common sense.

 

[grit]

You are doing the right thing. Your thinking about the word predator means this about you and your past not about the child. The child just activated your protector side by asking.
Another great is thing the kid is expressing a need and just you jumped to your past, his request is expressed as I want sleep with my sister...it is not about her.
It sounds and I could so wrong, the boy is resisting to grow into teen and become responsible and is looking for parental guidance....it is a moment of learning you cannot always get what u ask gir. But good for asking.

You can process your triggers and you can see his request as a missing need and deal with it like you would any other maturity challenge for your child.

Good for you being a conscious father.

 

[The Albatross]

Concur with the group... eldest being male or female... not appropriate. No need to reinforce the sleeping in bed together instead of independently with the youngest and though it was a thought... No, it has nothing to do with predatory behaviors. It's just straight up good parenting.

 

[Mytime]

No your not over thinking. I agree with everyone above. You stated your daughter had a co-sleeping history with her birth mom , which I’m sure was hard to break. It would be a step back for her and could be confusing for her also. You made the right choice.

 

[Deanna]

In my state, there would be a law for each child to sleep in seperate bedrooms. So, if you have a girl and a boy, you'd have to have, a three bedroom house.