Ava Jarvis
Gold Member
So I'm currently living off my savings. I'm fairly well set up—paid the mortgage off, paid the car off, no long-term debt—but the cost of living where I'm at is a bit ow. I ran numbers, and while I can shave off a hundred more dollars, after a lot of pain it's still about $1500 per month to live here. That's HOA fees, property taxes, and utilities. (Water bill is $130 a month because sewage is $100 a month.) It is not ... Terrible for where I am, but I know it could be better.
Some experimentation has led me to conclude that eating expenses amount to $500 a month if I cook all my food. This is without resorting to ramen and mac & cheese, so not horrible. I guess. $2000 a month is not terrible for the Pacific Midwest in a very gentrified community, but I know I could do cheaper...
At the same time, where I am gives me a lot of peace of mind because of the whole history with the stalking business, and living somewhere gentrified with a terrible commute puts anybody who would ally themselves with my abusive, murderous parents at a huge disadvantage.
The savings will not last forever, of course. I'm putting a lot of effort into making them last. They'll carry me for a year from this date, or maybe a month less.
In the meantime, I need to concentrate on healing, but it's not like I know how to do that all that well. I've bought a book about C-PTSD in particular, and a workbook about DBT. Hopefully they will help.
It's just that ... My case worker doesn't really believe me when I say that I can't work a job consistently right now, which makes me unemployable. This is mostly due to me having worked at one of the most demanding high tech places and unforgiving-of-disabilities companies, Amazon, for almost 11 years. So of course I must be able to keep working.
I miss the Amazon money, I don't miss the stress and ostracism. The talk of the office was always how Ava was "sick again and maybe shouldn't be part of this department or even this company." Thing is, Amazon wouldn't have given me that much stock if I was that worthless, but nevertheless the talk continued and destroyed all chances at moving forwards in my career. The few managers who went to bat for me ended up leaving under mysterious circumstances. The company environment got worse and worse. So it goes.
It's funny, really. A lot of those same colleagues who stabbed me in the back (my teammates never did. They worked with me. They knew I delivered) were really envious of me leaving. One of them predicted loudly that I'd be crawling back to Amazon within the year and really regret quitting. That was 2014, and it never did happen, and I would never go back.
So anyways, here I am. Not sure how to do stuff, like apply for disability. It sounds scary. I don't know how to apply for SNAP, which would knock down the food costs a little bit. It also sounds scary. I need to figure that all out, but I just don't know how...
I'm just so... Used to not being believed about how sick I am, because I put on an awful face of competence. I'm convinced no one will help me because I've just survived so much and done so many incredible things that it's just inconceivable how I'm so down and out right now.
I know that healing means that I will get worse before I get better. It just all feels kind of hopeless. I worry a lot about the future, you see. It was how I got out of my situation with my parents. Gods, it was around eight years of planning. I never thought about that. Most people wouldn't do that, but I did, because desperation breeds ... Something in me. Still, that plan had a lot of ad-lib in it. It's impossible to make a perfect plan on the get-go, especially the longer it is.
Also that thing that got me money? The coding? It triggers me. People don't really believe me when I say that it does. It hurts me so much. I try every once in a while. It leaves me a mess.
Right now I've found that digital art is something I can learn to do and not hate, and I seem to have, at least, an early good grip on it, beginner that I am. No idea how to make money off of that when I can't play most video games, meaning that the most fertile fields of the concept art profession are out of my league.
I write pretty well. If I were going to write fiction, which I can do somewhat, I need to get better at it, and all that. Writing well and visual arts aren't always present together, and I'm lucky they are for me. But it's not like web comics turn a profit for sure, and even if they do, it takes years for that to happen.
I can edit video. Too bad I have no idea how to go forwards with that, plus I'm still learning anyways.
Like, I have no experience at how to make an art career work. It was easy with computer science and coding.
I gotta get so good they can't ignore me, as the book title says, but ... But how?
Some experimentation has led me to conclude that eating expenses amount to $500 a month if I cook all my food. This is without resorting to ramen and mac & cheese, so not horrible. I guess. $2000 a month is not terrible for the Pacific Midwest in a very gentrified community, but I know I could do cheaper...
At the same time, where I am gives me a lot of peace of mind because of the whole history with the stalking business, and living somewhere gentrified with a terrible commute puts anybody who would ally themselves with my abusive, murderous parents at a huge disadvantage.
The savings will not last forever, of course. I'm putting a lot of effort into making them last. They'll carry me for a year from this date, or maybe a month less.
In the meantime, I need to concentrate on healing, but it's not like I know how to do that all that well. I've bought a book about C-PTSD in particular, and a workbook about DBT. Hopefully they will help.
It's just that ... My case worker doesn't really believe me when I say that I can't work a job consistently right now, which makes me unemployable. This is mostly due to me having worked at one of the most demanding high tech places and unforgiving-of-disabilities companies, Amazon, for almost 11 years. So of course I must be able to keep working.
I miss the Amazon money, I don't miss the stress and ostracism. The talk of the office was always how Ava was "sick again and maybe shouldn't be part of this department or even this company." Thing is, Amazon wouldn't have given me that much stock if I was that worthless, but nevertheless the talk continued and destroyed all chances at moving forwards in my career. The few managers who went to bat for me ended up leaving under mysterious circumstances. The company environment got worse and worse. So it goes.
It's funny, really. A lot of those same colleagues who stabbed me in the back (my teammates never did. They worked with me. They knew I delivered) were really envious of me leaving. One of them predicted loudly that I'd be crawling back to Amazon within the year and really regret quitting. That was 2014, and it never did happen, and I would never go back.
So anyways, here I am. Not sure how to do stuff, like apply for disability. It sounds scary. I don't know how to apply for SNAP, which would knock down the food costs a little bit. It also sounds scary. I need to figure that all out, but I just don't know how...
I'm just so... Used to not being believed about how sick I am, because I put on an awful face of competence. I'm convinced no one will help me because I've just survived so much and done so many incredible things that it's just inconceivable how I'm so down and out right now.
I know that healing means that I will get worse before I get better. It just all feels kind of hopeless. I worry a lot about the future, you see. It was how I got out of my situation with my parents. Gods, it was around eight years of planning. I never thought about that. Most people wouldn't do that, but I did, because desperation breeds ... Something in me. Still, that plan had a lot of ad-lib in it. It's impossible to make a perfect plan on the get-go, especially the longer it is.
Also that thing that got me money? The coding? It triggers me. People don't really believe me when I say that it does. It hurts me so much. I try every once in a while. It leaves me a mess.
Right now I've found that digital art is something I can learn to do and not hate, and I seem to have, at least, an early good grip on it, beginner that I am. No idea how to make money off of that when I can't play most video games, meaning that the most fertile fields of the concept art profession are out of my league.
I write pretty well. If I were going to write fiction, which I can do somewhat, I need to get better at it, and all that. Writing well and visual arts aren't always present together, and I'm lucky they are for me. But it's not like web comics turn a profit for sure, and even if they do, it takes years for that to happen.
I can edit video. Too bad I have no idea how to go forwards with that, plus I'm still learning anyways.
Like, I have no experience at how to make an art career work. It was easy with computer science and coding.
I gotta get so good they can't ignore me, as the book title says, but ... But how?
