Weedflower
Learning
Wednesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a little over two years. I thought I had finally reached this place where I could manage my symptoms. But over this past year, my PTSD changed on me. I didn't even know that could happen. Apparently it's completely normal.
When I went to my session, a huge part of me was hoping that she would tell me I'm fine, that I'm just second guessing myself too much. I tend to do that. But after telling her my night terrors had started coming back, she immediately said I should start regular sessions again. I didn't even tell her everything else and she already knew that was a bad sign.
Then I started getting into everything else that's started happening like grinding my teeth, having more intense flashbacks, and having nearly daily panic attacks. She said I should have come back months ago.
I have never felt like more of a failure. She says that I shouldn't feel this way, that it's completely normal. But now I'm just angry with myself. I'm angry all of the time. That's another reason I'm going back. I haven't been this angry since I was stuck under the same roof with my abuser.
My dad says I shouldn't be mad at myself either, that he's proud of my for accomplishing so much. That just makes me feel like more of a failure. I have the best father in the world, but here I am draining his pocket with expensive ass therapy on top of him paying for my school and car and apartment.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask here. I guess I'm just hoping to find a way to stop being so damned angry.
When I went to my session, a huge part of me was hoping that she would tell me I'm fine, that I'm just second guessing myself too much. I tend to do that. But after telling her my night terrors had started coming back, she immediately said I should start regular sessions again. I didn't even tell her everything else and she already knew that was a bad sign.
Then I started getting into everything else that's started happening like grinding my teeth, having more intense flashbacks, and having nearly daily panic attacks. She said I should have come back months ago.
I have never felt like more of a failure. She says that I shouldn't feel this way, that it's completely normal. But now I'm just angry with myself. I'm angry all of the time. That's another reason I'm going back. I haven't been this angry since I was stuck under the same roof with my abuser.
My dad says I shouldn't be mad at myself either, that he's proud of my for accomplishing so much. That just makes me feel like more of a failure. I have the best father in the world, but here I am draining his pocket with expensive ass therapy on top of him paying for my school and car and apartment.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask here. I guess I'm just hoping to find a way to stop being so damned angry.