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Starting Over

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Weedflower

Learning
Wednesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a little over two years. I thought I had finally reached this place where I could manage my symptoms. But over this past year, my PTSD changed on me. I didn't even know that could happen. Apparently it's completely normal.

When I went to my session, a huge part of me was hoping that she would tell me I'm fine, that I'm just second guessing myself too much. I tend to do that. But after telling her my night terrors had started coming back, she immediately said I should start regular sessions again. I didn't even tell her everything else and she already knew that was a bad sign.

Then I started getting into everything else that's started happening like grinding my teeth, having more intense flashbacks, and having nearly daily panic attacks. She said I should have come back months ago.

I have never felt like more of a failure. She says that I shouldn't feel this way, that it's completely normal. But now I'm just angry with myself. I'm angry all of the time. That's another reason I'm going back. I haven't been this angry since I was stuck under the same roof with my abuser.

My dad says I shouldn't be mad at myself either, that he's proud of my for accomplishing so much. That just makes me feel like more of a failure. I have the best father in the world, but here I am draining his pocket with expensive ass therapy on top of him paying for my school and car and apartment.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask here. I guess I'm just hoping to find a way to stop being so damned angry.
 
You are not failing. I agree with your therapist. You are simply in a place where you are ready to feel these feelings and process them.

Her recommendation that she wished you had come back sooner is not because you made an error, but because she wanted to help you get out of this place of suffering sooner.

You are going back now, and kudos to you for having the courage to do so.

It may seem like a set back, but it's more of a flare-up of symptoms and an opportunity to do some deeper work. It is par for the course. I personally hate symptom flare ups, and they make me feel frustrated and like a failure as well - but that kind of thinking is distorted and unhelpful.

Let your dad be proud of you and support you through this - it's probably his way of feeling good to be able to support you through this recovery. You have been through enough crap, try not to add self judgement on top of it. You deserve kindness. PTSD sucks. It just does.

Anger is a hard emotion to endure, but it can also be a fuel for change. Be sure to try to redirect the anger at the right things: your abuser, the unfairness of trauma, of PTSD, of all that has happened to you. Try to counter any self directed anger with positive statements about you. Or at least neutral ones. Because, again, you have been through much more than your fair share of crap in this life and you deserve a break.
 
But over this past year, my PTSD changed on me. I didn't even know that could happen. Apparently it's completely normal.

Is this so? Changed, or returned? Because something is different for me too, and I can't understand it or find words for it.

You are not a failure you are brave and wise to face it head on early. Welcome to you. You are not a weed in my eyes. :)
 
You are not failing. I agree with your therapist. You are simply in a place where you are ready to f...
Thank you so much. I know you are right. It's so hard to make my brain think the way it should.

The anger, however, isn't quite so simple. Yes, I've lashed out at others when I shouldn't. But I don't even like being angry at all. I'm angry about being angry. And I can direct it at my abuser and PTSD and the unfairness of life and all this...but that doesn't do anything. It doesn't solve anything. It just makes me go in dizzying circles and I want it to end. I'll be happier when I can stop being so angry.
 
Is this so? Changed, or returned? Because something is different for me too, and I can't understand it o...
Thank you.

I've had symptoms both change and return. My night terrors came back. My flashbacks became more frequent and worse. I started grinding my teeth, then stopped. And so on. I have a long list of things going on.
 
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