Yeah, me too. Did you realize that it felt like resting meant dying before he said it? Hm... I'm wondering. Not sure what the problem with resting is for some of my parts (though by the sounds of it this is a much bigger problem for you than it is for me). Resting does not equal dying. Hm.
So I did rest today. At least I think I did. Well, some. And I didn't die, although a bunch of parts were pretty insistent on keeping me awake. After the morning carpool bit, I wrote in my journal for a while, then I forced myself to stay in bed with parts watching, and I did actually fall asleep for several hours. Then I got onto the couch and binge-watched a BBC mystery series while I finished knitting a hat for my daughter. Then I did a 45 minute meditation, lying down. Then I made chicken soup. Then I picked up my daughter early and took her out for dinner. Then I binge-watched another episode of the drama. Then listened to daughter's prep for her final term exams. And made cookies. It's now 8:15.
Does this count as resting enough? I really don't know. Somehow I think not really enough. I will ask Wag tomorrow. I can't believe they seriously want me to stay in bed ALL DAY and do nothing. I just can't make that happen. But I will try again tomorrow I guess.
Okay, so maybe there is something to this bipolar theory. I'm now on 400 mg of seroquel, and I'm still not sleeping soundly at night, nor am I able to rest much during the day. It is definitely doing something to my brain--which feels like sludge. Wag says it is meant to help my mind slow down from superspeed to life speed. That has definitely not happened yet, but it is decelerating and it freaks me out.
Today I had an extended period of blending up with a baby part who is very cold. I was freezing for several hours in spite of layers and blankets and cranking the heat to 70 degrees! Then for the rest of the afternoon and evening, I've been coming in and out of this weird soup of derealization and depersonalization. Driving is quite a trip when there are different parts zooming around in my consciousness. But I've sorted it mostly and all is good.
I am doing my best to trust that this medication will help me. Wag says I need to give it three months. It has been around a month, and we're still titrating up.
It is very scary and upsetting to continue to do something that feels all wrong to me, yet I do trust that Wag and Yoda have my best interests for health and well-being in mind. So part of the freakout is that I am having to trust them and try my best to do what they suggest which includes taking the medication. I'm doing it because I feel that I have tried everything else.
I think maybe I need to sort out checking in with one of them every day. I think that may help me stay this course to see what happens and not end the med trial or run away to the mountains or do any of the crazy things that my freaked out parts are lobbying for.
Hi @shimmerz, thank you for thinking of me. I've had a rough week with pain and exhaustion and a lot of the need to "be on" due to the Thanksgiving holiday. Def a connection for me between too much social stuff and my need to rest. It stinks because so many of the social things are things I WANT to do...but still I am realizing more and more how very little I can do without crashing out. Being "on" takes so much energy from me.
How are you doing? I haven't been much on the forum lately. Sending you love and many :hug:s
"direct access" in therapy is exhausting and confusing.
Yoda is doing this thing where he talks to my parts directly. And they talk back. Some of it I remember vaguely, but obviously not all. On Friday he read to me what my major protector part had to say. I remembered maybe 20%. The rest surprised me. But it also felt right and true somehow. But interactions with this part are fraught with danger. After the first time, on Monday, I went home and slept for hours. Same thing on Friday. Also did some work on Wednesday with an energy healer (for lack of a better term for this very gifted woman). I slept for eleven hours. It seems my system is reorganizing itself again. But on Thursday, after a two hour rest in which it seems I was doing some kind of rapid switching, I snapped out of it to find myself punching myself in the eye. Got up, went about my business...made pumpkin pie and chicken soup, wrapped some Christmas presents, knitted for a while. Then, I went into the bathroom and caught sight of my face in the mirror. Major black eye. Yikes.
So the problem is that as Yoda works with this one exhausted but terrorizing part of me that is pretty much in charge of my whole system, it is beginning to step back a little. And when that happens, young parts with their needs and their stories start coming out. And other parts do NOT like that and get violent. Mostly on the inside, but sometimes on the outside as in the black eye. Not good. Hideous really...and I have to fly to Washington tomorrow to visit my uncle. Yikes. And the suicidal stuff comes in waves. But I am learning to tolerate that. To notice it but not act. It does fade in and out. I would like it to be gone. I really don't like having to negotiate for my own friggin' life with parts of my own system. I mean, seriously? This stuff is crazy.
Yoda and Wag keep talking to me about surrender. Stop fighting so hard. Stop pushing yourself so hard. Rest. Sleep. Nurture yourself. It is very, very hard for me to do that. I sleep when my body collapses, but it is restless and fraught with images and dreams. I make myself rest, but as soon as I lie down, the young parts come out and then other parts get very angry. As for nurturing myself? I really don't know how to do it. I mean I know what I am supposed to do...it's just that it is a battle to do it. I don't enjoy it because I have these parts that insist I am not allowed to feel good, I am not allowed to experience joy. That I should be ashamed of myself.
I am so goddamned caught between rocks and hard places. The experts call it "polarization of parts." UGH. I am impatient to resolve some of this, but they say there's work to be done before we can even begin to do the deeper healing work. I have been in this place for three years now, and with the chronic pain for four years.
How is it possible to WANT to heal so much. To understand what is going on in the system intellectually, but to be unable to do what needs to be done. ??? Head and heart polarization I guess along with everything else. I wish I could learn to let go and relax, but my whole system lives in a state of fear and shame. Not much gets through those walls. Sigh.
This is probably no comfort whatsoever, but I have to say there is a lot in what you are going through that I can relate to and read with much interest. I'm really sorry it is such a struggle for you, just wanted to wave hello and say you have company in your misery.
So I'm in Washington DC now. I am glad I've made this trip to see my uncle. The last time I saw him was at my mother's funeral about a year ago. He and I have always been close, but as he's aged he's become so grumpy and opinionated. Funny that I see in my relationship with him my old patterns of doing anything possible to keep the peace. So I let him talk and I don't bother arguing because it will always be I who loses. I am not a good arguer. I'm feeling very sad, though, to see him in a rapid decline. He is on medication for Parkinson's Disease. He who used to be so active and full of good humor and energy is now a bent and shuffling 83 year old man. He is my last remaining family (aside from my husband and kids and in-laws).
But even with his health issues, he was out and about with me today. In spite of his grumpiness, it is still good to see him in person, and he can no longer make the trip north to see me. I do not do well with telephone and text relationships. I need the real live person in front of me. We went to see the film Manchester by the Sea. Yikes was that depressing. Fun to watch in some ways though because it was all filmed in places I know well.
And, just in case I wasn't already flirting with depression, we're going to the Holocaust Museum tomorrow. I have never visited. I didn't think I could handle it. But I want to go. Feel I need to go for many current political reasons I ought not describe here on this forum. Then we'll go to the Hirshorn (I love that museum). On Tuesday I want to revisit the National Museum of the American Indian (they have a really cool new exhibit called Our Universes), and if I can score tickets, the new National Museum of African American History and Culture.
Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be taking it easy and slow. But how can I be right here and NOT go to museums?!
Probably won't make it to all of them, but oh well. Maybe will be back again in the spring. It is very weird to be in a big city after having been living in a cottage in a mostly deserted beach community for the past three months. I definitely prefer the beach to this great metropolis. I'm on the 11th floor of a hotel and it's really aggravating my claustrophobia. I like sleeping in places where I can walk out the door and have my feet on the ground.
Overall it has been a decent day. I do have those every now and again, and I'm grateful. Busy is good for me to keep me from cogitating on my hapless fate, but it does exhaust me.