"direct access" in therapy is exhausting and confusing.
Yoda is doing this thing where he talks to my parts directly. And they talk back. Some of it I remember vaguely, but obviously not all. On Friday he read to me what my major protector part had to say. I remembered maybe 20%. The rest surprised me. But it also felt right and true somehow. But interactions with this part are fraught with danger. After the first time, on Monday, I went home and slept for hours. Same thing on Friday. Also did some work on Wednesday with an energy healer (for lack of a better term for this very gifted woman). I slept for eleven hours. It seems my system is reorganizing itself again. But on Thursday, after a two hour rest in which it seems I was doing some kind of rapid switching, I snapped out of it to find myself punching myself in the eye. Got up, went about my business...made pumpkin pie and chicken soup, wrapped some Christmas presents, knitted for a while. Then, I went into the bathroom and caught sight of my face in the mirror. Major black eye. Yikes.
So the problem is that as Yoda works with this one exhausted but terrorizing part of me that is pretty much in charge of my whole system, it is beginning to step back a little. And when that happens, young parts with their needs and their stories start coming out. And other parts do NOT like that and get violent. Mostly on the inside, but sometimes on the outside as in the black eye. Not good. Hideous really...and I have to fly to Washington tomorrow to visit my uncle. Yikes. And the suicidal stuff comes in waves. But I am learning to tolerate that. To notice it but not act. It does fade in and out. I would like it to be gone. I really don't like having to negotiate for my own friggin' life with parts of my own system. I mean, seriously? This stuff is crazy.
Yoda and Wag keep talking to me about surrender. Stop fighting so hard. Stop pushing yourself so hard. Rest. Sleep. Nurture yourself. It is very, very hard for me to do that. I sleep when my body collapses, but it is restless and fraught with images and dreams. I make myself rest, but as soon as I lie down, the young parts come out and then other parts get very angry. As for nurturing myself? I really don't know how to do it. I mean I know what I am supposed to do...it's just that it is a battle to do it. I don't enjoy it because I have these parts that insist I am not allowed to feel good, I am not allowed to experience joy. That I should be ashamed of myself.
I am so goddamned caught between rocks and hard places. The experts call it "polarization of parts." UGH. I am impatient to resolve some of this, but they say there's work to be done before we can even begin to do the deeper healing work. I have been in this place for three years now, and with the chronic pain for four years.
How is it possible to WANT to heal so much. To understand what is going on in the system intellectually, but to be unable to do what needs to be done. ??? Head and heart polarization I guess along with everything else. I wish I could learn to let go and relax, but my whole system lives in a state of fear and shame. Not much gets through those walls. Sigh.
