Strange Star

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
OMG I have been struggling with this for the past 10 years.
I am not certain if this is helpful or not, but I went to bed, after spending all weekend trying to write. And I tried to make sense of the storyline. There is so much. And then I realized that as I tap into different parts of me that were involved in my life; driving it, if you will, at the time, that each one of them tells the story differently.

One sees it in pictures, the other feels its' part, another has words. I am not used to tapping into anything but words and typing and I think that writing on this board has me fooled into believing that words are my main way of telling my story.

No.

The parts of me that type on this board tell the story in words. The parts that need to write the book need to be heard in different ways. So for now, I am tapping into the visual parts and I will go from there.

Much love to you my friend.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
@shimmerz this:
And then I realized that as I tap into different parts of me that were involved in my life; driving it, if you will, at the time, that each one of them tells the story differently.

One sees it in pictures, the other feels its' part, another has words. I am not used to tapping into anything but words and typing and I think that writing on this board has me fooled into believing that words are my main way of telling my story.

this is exactly the problem. You get it totally. If you find a solution, please let me know!
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, it's interesting. I have been bringing my focus during the daytime into how I would tell the story. I mean I know the core of it - which even that took a long time - but anyway, since I know that what I am realizing is that I am in better communication with my parts you know? Because I will build the story of a certain scenario and get ready to put it into words - and the words come out just - idk, disjointed? With holes in it? Punctuated by certain really vivid things.

So then I try to remember it as a movie in my head. That comes much more easily. Can actually see myself but I can't describe it in words in a way that is meaningful.

So then I try to talk into a voice recorder. I hop from thing to thing. Sequencing is a problem. I mean, I can keep with the area of interest, but I can't keep the flow of the words in a meaningful (to others) sequence.

I go back and look at my thousands of typed pages and I dissociate so heavily that I am out before I am done a page.

Short form on this topic is I don't know yet.

Like I said, I am trying to carry the movie image with me and build it during my waking hours and then again at nighttime before I sleep. Problem with that is that I am starting to nightmare again. I am going to keep trying.

Have you tried anything? What has your experience been like? Do you mind my asking?
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Have you tried anything? What has your experience been like? Do you mind my asking?
What you describe is similar in many ways to my attempts.
I keep a daily journal. I have kept journals off and on since I was around 13. But I burned the one from ages 13-14 when I set out to remake myself. And I think I either shredded or burned the one from ages 14-18 when I set out to remake myself again. The journals from most of my adult life are scattered across various books and in various files here and there. I come across random ripped out pages now and again as I sort through my stuff, but most of them are gone. However, for the past 3 years or so I have faithfully kept a journal of what has been happening to me. I now have 14 of them. OMG. I have managed to read 1.5 of them, but it sends me into a tailspin.

Last year, when I was working with a mentor at the healing program I attended, I decided with her encouragement that perhaps I could be of help to myself and others if I wrote my story. Some of the writing exercises we were given to do channeled my focus enough that I was able to write what some of my parts "say" to me in my inside world. These were the mean parts. It was grueling to translate their communications in my internal world into sentences an outsider could understand. But I did it. And it was very helpful to me. It left my mentor/reader reeling and wondering how I managed to get through the day. That whole experience of writing some of the chaos I hold inside me is what set me on this quest to write this totally fragmented memoir. Because it felt really good to share some of this stuff. I have written an introduction, and I have lots of bits and pieces, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to put them together into any kind of narrative that anybody but me would understand, much less find helpful. And there is so much. I spoke with a writer friend about the work and she said that perhaps it would be more than one book. She's probably right, but that sent me into despair and overwhelm.

The one thing I've glammed onto is to write the scenes of one part talking to another. The challenge with this is that the literary/writer part of me wants to create a scene that "works." But I refuse to do that. Refuse to add in or edit. Insist only on writing what is real in terms of the parts and what they have to say. So it comes very slowly, and when it does, it often sends me spinning off into a bad place because so many of my parts are deeply invested in silence.

So right now, I have to decide a) whether to continue plugging along at this project, b) if I decide to continue, I have to sort out my purpose for it and clarify just exactly what it is I want to communicate by writing the book(s), and c) get over the crippling belief that I have nothing at all to say that anyone else would want to read.

So then I try to remember it as a movie in my head. That comes much more easily. Can actually see myself but I can't describe it in words in a way that is meaningful.
Sequencing is a problem
I have sort disjointed movie clips. A bit like some maniac took the film of my life from several different film cameras then went at them with shears and left a gigantic disorganized and disjointed pile on the floor.

I think that one of the biggest challenges with writing is how to get the non-verbal experience into verbal form. This is what I struggle with most, at least. I can write the "story" of one of the movie clips, but it still doesn't feel like it conveys what I want and need it to convey.

I am starting to nightmare again. I am going to keep trying.
This happens to me too when I work on writing scenes. On the one hand, I think it may be a signal to take a rest from the work. But on the other hand, sometimes it is parts communicating in dreams...they are so excited that I'm paying attention and wanting to listen and witness them that they're tumbling over one another trying to get my attention.

So, after this whole long diatribe, I don't have any solutions really, other than wanting to give up the writing plan. But I keep nudging back at it. I just can't seem to leave it alone. No easy answers. Dammit. I want easy answers.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Total bed rest. That is what Yoda and Wag are asking of me. To pretend my home is a hospital, and that I am ill and have to stay in bed, or that I'm a pregnant person required to do bedrest to save the pregnancy. The seroquel is meant to help me do this. It is VERY hard for me to keep myself in bed--my mind is running wild even though my body is exhausted. But I'm trying. Trying to keep my trust in them that what they're urging is actually going to help me. The point is to calm down the wild nervous system in whatever ways possible. I've told them for a while that if they want this, they ought to shoot me with a horse tranquilizer because my system seems able to fight off a lot of the effects of medication. So even at 300 mg of seroquel, I'm still up and about. But Yoda says I have to CHOOSE to stay in bed. Sometimes I can. But a lot of times I can't. I just can't.

But they say it is a life and death situation. It's real. It's not a game. That I have to stop pretending I'm fine. Stop acting "as if." I don't really know how to do this. It scares me to give in to the sedative. To letting parts talk to the therapists. I am just wired to keep going "normally" until I drop.

Yoda says I have to choose to want to be alive. And that if I do, I need to rest. Period. Nothing else. Not even therapy for a while if that gets to be too much.

Blech.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Yoda says I have to choose to want to be alive.
This is actually really serious my dear friend. I went through something very similar to this in a different way. I can't stress enough. Critical.

I can only make a couple of suggestions to you as far as managing what happens in your head while your body is resting.

I use my visualization techniques to:
I create my safe place
I cut all attachments - to everything and everybody
I call my spirit animals to help me (drape me, show me realms that only they can
I try to find my spirit (where it is - is it in my body or outside of my body) and practice bringing it close to my heart
I work with my chakras (clear them open them close them reinitialize them)

There are more things but just wondering if these would help you stay put at all.

Much, Much Much love to you my dear friend.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for this @shimmerz. I'm sorry you've had to go through this dark night of the soul as well. Choosing to be alive is fraught with challenge, and my parts are in pitched battle regarding the issue if what I'm witnessing as I rest is any indication.

I really appreciate these suggestions. All are things I do, but not consistently enough these days. The move to this little cottage really turned my life upside down and I've had a hard time maintaining or creating a new routine that includes the spiritual work/exercises that are essential to me. Sometimes I just forget that they are part of my repertoire of healing practices and I just get carried away by other things. Today I did my chakra meditation though, and it did help me feel better.

I am still trying to sort out the meaning/what possessed me. In the past three weeks, I have come across three dead hawks (one of my major power animals). One each week. Two of them I scooped up and deposited in the woods. The first I couldn't get to safely. I had to overcome my fear and disgust at actually doing this. And then overcome my disappointment that they did not offer me a single feather in spite of my providing a suitable shamanic burial for them. Probably because I wanted it too much. There is some lesson in this dead animal thing, especially when its happened three times in close succession, but I can't figure it out for the life of me. Even in journeys. Although I did have a powerful vision in one of my journeys of a "rainbow hawk" rising up and calling me to go with it. But I haven't sorted out yet what that means for me either. This is not the first time I've encountered a dead version of one of my power animals. And even in journeys I regularly get what are called "disembodiment journeys" which are quite frightening as they take you through the destruction of the body...although shamans tell me these are important journeys that indicate not actual death, but metaphorical death necessary to rebirth. Probably all of this is far too woo-woo to write at any length about in this venue, so I will stop there. Suffice to say, I am torn between being open to the idea of being some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes of my life, or taking the message that it's time to just give up and let myself die. So the jury's still out. Sigh.
 

sun seeker

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry if you said this and I missed it, but is there anyone there with you while you are resting? I'm worried about you. Does your husband know how serious this is? Is there anyone who could stay with you? It really sounds like you should not be alone.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I regularly get what are called "disembodiment journeys"
I just went through this. Not with disembodiment but rather of the psyche. It is terrifying but doable. Perhaps the symbolism of the power animals that you are finding is to help you come to terms that your power animals are shifting as is necessary when one goes through this type of rebirth. Mine have all shifted and adjusted.

Keep the faith.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
is there anyone there with you while you are resting
No, except for the dog. But it's okay actually--easier for me to rest when nobody is around because when people are around me my hypervigilance goes into overdrive, and I feel even more deeply ashamed to be "wasting" my time in bed. If I get too weird in terms of flashbacks or parts coming out, the dog does react and often can bring me out of it.
Perhaps the symbolism of the power animals that you are finding is to help you come to terms that your power animals are shifting as is necessary
This is interesting. I'll keep this in mind. Thanks Shimmerz.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Today met with Yoda. What a good guy he is. Very patient and kind. Even I am frustrated by myself! We talked yet again about rest and meds. Seems like all I can talk about these days in spite of my best efforts, and even a small burst of shouting, "I don't want to talk about this anymore!" But I seem to keep coming back to it.

"How much rest actually?
"A lot. A lot."
"But what about ________?"
"Maybe later when you're stronger."
"I hate resting."
"Says a part."
"Yeah, says a lot of parts! What are my parts supposed to do while I'm doing all this body resting?"
"Watch. That's all. Just watch and see that resting doesn't mean dying."
"Oh."

Now there's a twist. Oh, Yoda, you Captain Obvious, I need you so much. So parts are supposed to watch! I've got to believe that's going to get boring for them really, really fast, but we shall see.

My brain feels like sludge.
 
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