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When I reflect through my intellect on this knotty problem I have, I think the vicious cycle goes something like this:
The pain is my body's way of making me lie down. When I lie down, the pain mostly recedes.
I lie down to rest, and I am assaulted by flashbacks of various sorts--mostly body and visuals.
I try to stay present when this happens, reminding myself that I am safe now, but often I fail and get hijacked by young parts.
When I get hijacked by young parts, other parts of the system kick in to make it stop, and they are quite effective. Occasionally, I just go to sleep--check out completely. More often I go into some bizarre state like catalepsy where my body does not move without profound motivation and effort on my part--and when I'm in that state I am totally not myself. Or, occasionally (and much more appealingly) I am driven from bed to DO something. Write, draw, paint, clean the kitchen, do laundry...whatever it is just do it and keep doing it until...
the pain and exhaustion shut me down again and the whole cycle begins all over again.
This shit happens several times a day. Every day.
So I guess I can see why Wags wants me to sedate myself with seroquel. She says I have too much energy and it is getting in the way of my healing.
I have decided to trust her. And have decided to go on starvation diet along with the pills. Because I cannot cannot cannot gain any more weight or I will be rolled back to the self-destructive mire because much of my trauma is connected with my body and my weight in really complicated ways that I am not even close to sorting out yet. Can't even put words to it.
Wag asked, I think, that I take the med for two weeks and see how I feel. I suppose I am willing to do this. Maybe this will be the magic pill that helps me heal. It did nothing when I was on it around 1.5 years ago, but I think that was a very low dose. This one is pretty significant. I'm scared.
The pain is my body's way of making me lie down. When I lie down, the pain mostly recedes.
I lie down to rest, and I am assaulted by flashbacks of various sorts--mostly body and visuals.
I try to stay present when this happens, reminding myself that I am safe now, but often I fail and get hijacked by young parts.
When I get hijacked by young parts, other parts of the system kick in to make it stop, and they are quite effective. Occasionally, I just go to sleep--check out completely. More often I go into some bizarre state like catalepsy where my body does not move without profound motivation and effort on my part--and when I'm in that state I am totally not myself. Or, occasionally (and much more appealingly) I am driven from bed to DO something. Write, draw, paint, clean the kitchen, do laundry...whatever it is just do it and keep doing it until...
the pain and exhaustion shut me down again and the whole cycle begins all over again.
This shit happens several times a day. Every day.
So I guess I can see why Wags wants me to sedate myself with seroquel. She says I have too much energy and it is getting in the way of my healing.
I have decided to trust her. And have decided to go on starvation diet along with the pills. Because I cannot cannot cannot gain any more weight or I will be rolled back to the self-destructive mire because much of my trauma is connected with my body and my weight in really complicated ways that I am not even close to sorting out yet. Can't even put words to it.
Wag asked, I think, that I take the med for two weeks and see how I feel. I suppose I am willing to do this. Maybe this will be the magic pill that helps me heal. It did nothing when I was on it around 1.5 years ago, but I think that was a very low dose. This one is pretty significant. I'm scared.